Full Circle

I could never say that life has been easy on me. I grew up way too quick. I've always been mature for my age, even at age 6. I thought I was a grown up when I should have been being a kid. I cared about things that others my age didn't. I saw things that maybe I shouldn't. I listened in on conversations had that should have been kept private. I wanted things I couldn't have. I developed an interest in love while others played games and developed a crush. I didn't look at things in a normal way, I had a broader vision of the role I'd play. Fast forward to 17 and I was with child before I even knew what I wanted to be in my life. There I was caught in between the greatest love I was experiencing and the one I had yet to meet. It would have been easy to disguise my 1st child as a mistake but 2, 3, 4 and 5 later what can be said for them? In my only defense I thought I was in love with him, I thought we'd share our forever, I thought he felt the same and I so badly wanted us to be saved. Unfortunately it wasn't love and now we live in separate forevers, he never felt the way I did and there was nothing that could've ever saved us. We demolished our chances of being happy because Pride got in our way. The lies overcame the love we thought we shared and instead sealed our own fate. Over the years, the heartache and pain I've learned that in a relationship two people must both want the same things. Where I wanted to be safe and live inside of a warm forever together, he wanted to roam alone outside in the unpredictable weather. Now once again I find myself delving too far in, alone in a sense, forced out in the cold to roam until I find my next destination. The night I lost my light I wanted to die right next to him, just lay down beside him close my teary eyelids and never wake up again. Losing everything can make you feel like nothing. I spiraled downward into a black empty nothingness that I couldn't break free from. That fateful night turned out to be the answer to my whole life. Sometimes the thing you want the most is right in front of your eyes but the things you think you need become their disguise. I'm almost grateful now that he didn't answer my calls because now I know that he wasn't the one I wanted to comfort me at all. The person I needed that night turned out to distract me from an even brighter light that slept soundly just in the next room. It's funny how things you think you know can be so wrong until you can begin to decipher a scrambled picture as a whole. This entire time I've had another man on my mind, inside my heart but vacant from my life. It wasn't until recently that I found what I was looking for. He was the only one there for me the night that changed my life and he's still on my mind and inside of my heart but now he is the biggest part of my life. I stood there with my head buried deep into his chest and he stroked my head as I wiped my tears and he said to me without certainty that everything would be awright. I never imagined it'd be he and I. This person who played such an integral part of just one night has become my one and only true light. He shines from within so bright that I can't imagine how I was ever able to ignore his light. Now I feel like I can't even breathe until the day he is once again embracing me. I crave to share that moment once again where I bury my face back in his chest. The next time I see his face, instead of looking away I will kiss it so hard it will take both of our breaths away. I am in the most undeniable love I have ever felt in my entire life. The way he makes me feel completely annihilated anything else I ever considered to be real. He has opened my eyes, pulled me from my darkest pit and now my eternal path is lit. Our love won't ever quit, we both felt it before we even knew it exist. If this is what love is supposed to be then I've come full circle from where I used to be.

DNA

DNA = Do Not Assume

I had to laugh when I read that. You thought I'd get pissed right? DNA. Do Not Assume. Your position is a direct impact of you. You should know better by now not to bring up the dead. I am ashamed of you for linking the two. My pops was NOTHING like you. Love is unconditional, something you know nothing about. Why don't you discuss the situation with someone who knows what it's all about? Instead you sit there and think the opinion of certain people hold weight??? Is that correct? You assume the most ridiculous things when actually you don't know a single fact. You're on a daily diet of bullshit being fed to you by that thing of yours. You know very well what will happen if you try and play victim to those around you who know the reality of the situation. You refuse to review the facts with folks who know the whole story. Maybe because you already know that they know you're full of shit! Did you really think that would break me? You're pathetic comparing yourself to a man who did nothing but live for his kids. You live for yourself. A well rounded father is a good man all the way around. He is brave, smart, fun and loving. He always pays his dues but still comes out of pocket if necessary without complaining about it. He picks up his kids when he can. He'd never leave the State they were in, not even to better himself. Those are not the actions of a man but a kid. He holds a job longer than 6 months to a year, he has his own place and treats those around him nicely and with respect. He is respectful, responsible and caring. So far, this sounds NOTHING like you. Get out of your delusional head and figure it out because you could never be in the same category as my Pops. Please stop. You're in the position you are because of your own fault. Stop blaming everyone else for what you yourself have done. It's already done.

Lighthouse

Woke up clearer today. I haven't slept that well in a while. Everything is covered so I've discovered. I'm happy to say the days are melting away. I love when plans go the way they were planned. Slowly but surely I am being redeemed. It feels so good to stand beside a man and not a little boy. I get to put my hand in his and not the other way around. He vows to be true, mine and care for me the way a man is capable of doing. When I grow skeptic he is there to console my fears. He stifles my worries and lifts me higher than the clouds. I need his words to silence the roars of the negative world and he does just that. He is my weapon in combat. His influence has manned my ship. I am no longer captain on this rig. I'm taking a rest while he navigates through the night. I can trust that when I close my eyes he'll always be there when I wake. Carrying me through the wake. I'm awake.