Poker Face

I've been having this feeling lately that I'm not allowed to say what I'm really thinking. Not that I believe my opinion has ever made much of a difference. If writing is my way of expressing then why do I feel like I'm hesitating? Why am I procrastinating? Why am I not saying the things I planned on saying? I've been using my job as an excuse that lack of time was the reason why I didn't write. Now, there are no excuses but I can't get back to basics. I can't focus on one main idea long enough for it to turn into something that I can build upon. I'm tired of wasting precious days without moving to the next phase. I have all of the tools and time I need to create the ultimate masterpiece. The only thing that is stopping me now is me. I will be the one thing that prevents me from getting what I am aiming for. I've been here before. I've sat at this very computer thinking of ways to decipher my own future, creating nothing out of thin air, putting down feelings into words I didn't know were there. Now, once again, I sit here with everything to gain and absolutely nothing to lose. So now I have to ask myself, what is stopping you? What stands between you and your goal this time? Which excuse will you use? How will you refuse more opportunities? Will you sit there and wallow in self pity? Will you leave the lock on the floodgates of your inner workings? Why now has it become so hard to put a few feelings into a few words? I've always known the darkness is where my best work derives from. It's not something I'm proud of it's a fact I've learned to accept about my style of writing. So maybe that's what's been bothering me. Am I just too happy to think of anything? I'll admit that I'm happy but that shouldn't be any reason to stop me from writing. The stories I wish to share still exist in the vast libraries of my history and past I'm just not ready to look back. I don't feel like I've come far enough away from the blast yet. I can only work on one thing at a time so I'm going to open up my heart and my mind to the one thing I can't stop thinking about. I'll tell our story 1st since it has the happy ending we've both been dreaming about. Then I'll work my way up from the beginning. I have my work cut out for me and I don't know if I'm full of the feelings or words I'll need to make things happen but I know procrastinating will never find out for me. If you want something done you've got to do it yourself. I need no help in being who I am or thinking of things to write. God gave me this gift and I will let it serve it's purpose. I'm all in. God's got my hand.

I rest my case

I never could have imagined ever feeling this way. Since the day I first saw your face I knew you'd be in my life, I didn't know how nor why. I went from being everything in your life to dead in a matter of just a few words exchanged. Boy isn't it something when your whole life is up in the air? Someone once whispered this advice in my ear, he said to me then, "When your whole life is up in the air, that means you've got to aim high!" and I've not forgotten it since he uttered those genius words into my life. If I knew what I knew now type of reminisce. What's been done is part of the past now and what's been said, well now that will linger on a while, but what's been said has really already been done. There is no more platform under the sun, if wading in the deepest waters won't have you won well then I'm done. I give up trying to please the displeased. There will be no more attempting to build any type of bridge to walk upon. I can no longer formulate plans without your input but I've been over run, put out, tossed to the wayside in a sense. When the direct path is not leading you where you want you've got to figure out some sort of detour that will take you that far. Until then it's useless to continue giving in. I've foregone the instructions on how to forget the countless beatings which have ensued. During this time of self preservation I've neglected to seek salvation and do what I had initially set out to do. Leaving that building naked was the worst thing to do. Instead of using God as my guide and shield I let the devil walk with me and blind me from my primary mission. So I failed. Now I will pick up where God left off and continue on with my mission. I fell hard but I can get back up with conviction. Now I am unstoppable. Now I am uncompromisable. Now I am determined and with force will move through any obstacle. You made a mistake in thinking I would sink when you so violently threw me overboard and drove away watching my fate bob in the water. Now the ghost of my prior falter will come and haunt you and you will have sleepless nights and you will not enjoy the numbered days of the rest of your life and you will constantly have the feeling of defeat deep within the chest you hold out and your soul will constantly cry out and your satisfactions will never be satisfied and you will forever be surrounded by your spawn but will feel nothing but loneliness the rest of your life. Meanwhile, I swam to shore, washed off the dirt. God says I'm pure. So I move on from here with a brand new lease on my life. God has given me another chance to walk right by his side. No more will I allow the devil to walk into my life. I have severed that tie from this day forward and the rest of my God given life. I am new. I am adopted. I belong to the Lord and he gets the last word on where my ship will sink. You my friend will be watching from the depths all of my success. For now I rest my case.