109 days and counting..

Finally ya'll. The countdown is finally winding down!! After almost 5 years of being in communication Toon is finally coming home. My man will walk out of that hell hole he's been in now for 8 years in 109 days and counting. May 13th 2015 will be the day he walks free. We will finally get to share a real embrace, kiss each other's lips without an audience, talk without time constraints or restrictions on what can be said. I'll be there when they open the gates and I'll be the first person he sees. I'll be there when he sheds his first happy tear, when he eats his first bucket of fried chicken and when he sees his family for the first time in the free world after 8 whole years. Words don't really express the feelings, emotions, anxiety that I'm experiencing with such a momentous occasion looming. Each day that passes is one day closer to the beginning of a brand new life for me and my family. My daughters don't shut up about seeing their Papi and visiting the Midwest this summer. My kids will finally have the daddy they've always dreamed of and deserve. A real man who will stand up and be there for them when they need their daddy the most. He'll be there to give them advice, kiss their foreheads before bed and make them feel safe when they need to be protected. Toon will be the man my children consider a father. We deserve our happily ever after. For now we will continue doin what we're doin, hope and pray that in 109 short days we can turn the last page on this horror story and begin a new book. We will be given a new life. God has brought us this far and I put every ounce of my faith in God that he will take us where we need to be. There is no way but up from here. It doesn't matter what happens now there is no stopping us. 109 days to freedom. 109 days to love. 109 days to the end. 109 days to the beginning. 109 days and counting.. 16 burgers to go baby!! Hahaha. Te Amo mi mor. TNT Cartoon n Cachetz I'm comin for you bayB! 

Tidal Wave

When someone rips your heart out and tears it into bitty pieces, how long does it take to get it back to beating? How long will it remain torn and tattered, bruised and battered and bleeding before it heals completely? How much pain and hurt does a person have to endure before they become numb and dead to the world? What all does a person have to go through until they're broken beyond repair? What would it take to bring them back from that type of despair? Does the amount of turmoil a person has been through directly correlate to their strength? Will it ever change? Will the pain ever fade? Is it right to feel shame? I'm ashamed I allowed it to continue for as long as it did. I feel like I wasted precious time that I can never get back again. I trusted when I shouldn't have. I learned to lean on a broken fence and in the end lost sight of what it meant to mend. I permitted another to tear me a part from limb to limb and leave me for dead in a puddle of sin. I gave in when I should have held my ground. I stayed quiet when I should have made a sound. I lost the war against myself and in turn lost someone I cared about. Now we live on opposite ends of this desolate battlefield and there is no common ground to be found. Once you've been knocked down how long will it be before you can get back to your feet? How much time is enough to mourn a death? How much time do you need to get over a failed relationship? You make me feel like I'm not allowed to take some time for myself. You make me feel like I've been easily replaced by someone else. You make me feel like it's not alright to want an explanation of why. You make me feel guilty because I still cry. I can't explain why the pain is real. I don't have the answers for why the hurt is true. Am I still in love with you? No. Nothing is further from the truth. Do I wish we would have tried harder to make it work? Nope. Do I regret letting you walk away? Not one bit. Our logic conflict and our stories don't fit. Correct me if I'm wrong but at one point in space and time we did think alike and share the same goal. Which is what led me to believe that we could revive some sort of rapport. Now it's just battles all the time. What went so wrong that prevents us from getting along? Why can't we agree that we are better people for separating? Why do the things we do and say reflect the pain? Why won't the wedge in between us just go away? For a while I thought that maybe one day we would find a middle ground but now I know that was just wishful thinking. We are on exchanging planes. It has to be a give and take. Pain is the common denominator. God is the only solution to all of our problems. I have to pray and ask him how to solve them. For now it's best to keep our distance and focus on God's mission. This way it is not my nor your decision. Let's leave things in God's hands and continue maintaining our own positions. Moving forward is what we can agree with. As long as moving forward means there is no looking back, no revisiting the past or trying to revive subjects that are dead. Moving forward looks like being nice and civilized. Thinking about the other. Caring for one another. Showing gratitude and respect. It's been a long road and it's still a long path ahead. Pace yourself and prepare yourself with God's steadfast word for what comes next. Arm yourself with his protective love and faith. The future is coming upon us like a tidal wave.