More than 3 wishes

I really wish things didn't have to be like this. I can't go one day without thinking about it. You cross my mind more than I'd like to admit and I don't know how to deal with it. Maybe there are still traces of you inside my heart and when the blood starts to pump from my heart to my brain I think therein your presence remains. I still have so many things I'd like to say to you. I have a lot of questions that I'd still like answers to. I still feel in some ways the same. The stinging from the pain has subsided for the most part. I've accepted that we both had to move on to a new start. If that statement is true than I have to wonder why the majority of my thoughts still include you. Why is it so hard for me to go one day without reminiscing on our history? If I feel like you utterly disrespected me and never truly cared for or loved me then why would I have so many thoughts of you running through my mind all of the time? Is it possibly because not enough time has passed yet? Is it possible that I have regrets? I didn't prepare myself for feeling this way. I thought once I was gone I'd never feel the same. I thought leaving you in the rear view was the right thing to do. I knew you'd never try to understand my motives, I wasn't expecting you to. I wish we could start over. I wish we could have a do over. I wish we could erase it all and start again. But would I really want to go through all of that again? I also wasn't expecting to miss you this much. I hate that I do. I hate that it's true. I hate that even upon convincing myself I'm perfectly fine with out you I begin to doubt that's how I really feel. I guess I'm still waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I really wish I'd never met you. I really wish I never fell for all the bullshit you spewed. I really wish none of this was true. I predicted it all which is why it's so hard for me to let it go. Nothing I ever did for you matters now, it means nothing to you or I. You're happy now. That's all that counts. Me, I'm still feeling it out. Being alone is no fun. Everyone wants to find true love. But being alone is safe and that works for now. I just really wish I could get you out of my head somehow. If you should ever come across a genie in a bottle will you tell him to give me a holler?

Happiness Coming Soon

She digs her heels in the sand. Runs her fingertips along the tiny grains and pushes her indention into the moist ground. The sun is on the horizon now and the dewy air stings as it whips across her clammy cheek. She wants to stay but she knows she has to leave. There are better opportunities for her if she walks away but she has to go now. She tries to convince herself to stay as if somehow it's the better route. She's torn in the worst way. Stay and risk happiness or leave and risk his. She has already been through this. She made the mistake once before and doesn't want to make the same mistake again. So this time she is hesitant before she jumps in. She doesn't want to take ownership of another irreversible mess up. Some mess ups are impossible to clean up and she knows because she is still wiping away dust from the last one. She wonders to herself, "How in the World will I know if I'm choosing right?" She listens closely to the howling wind as if some distant friend is whispering answers to her insightful questions. She wipes the sand from her hands as she stands to her soggy feet. There is no helpful friend whispering to her in the wind. She was not fortunate enough to stumble upon a message in a bottle hiding in the sand. There is no one around her to offer up a helpful hand. She is left with facing the oncoming waves while carefully maneuvering through the choppy wake her past has made. She has her doubts but ultimately decides she's better off alone. As she drives off leaving the ocean view behind her, she smiles and thinks to herself, I've definitely made the right move. Happiness coming soon. 

Crossed paths - Had to get this off my chest

I can't say I'm surprised by any of this. It was all lies from the jump. I was never meant to be the one. I just wish you had spoken up. It's tough to accept that an entire year has already passed and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. Except embarrassment. What is harder to accept is that you have completely moved forward and don't plan on ever looking back. All that mess about missing me was just pretend, like everything else you ever said or did. You say I should've never left but what good would it have done to stay? Why won't you just admit that you were never happy with me? Not even one moment. Now you have a kid on the way. What a slap in the face. As if the wound wasn't already painful or deep enough, you just had to open it up and drench it with salt huh. Definitely true to who you are and your style. Hurting people just for the phuck of it is a pass time for guys like you. I'm used to it, just another one of your lies to add to the pit. You were never in it as deep as I was. You never truly believed in our love. You never fully opened yourself up. I've had to just accept so many things to move on from all of this but the one thing I wish you could admit was that we were a mistake from the get. I awready know that you never actually loved me, that's not something you ever had to say, it was written in all the things you did and your ways. What is it besides pride that prevents you from being honest with how you truly felt inside? All I want is for you to admit that I was not what you expected and you weren't ever going to be happy with me. Instead of being honest about it, you took it out on me and my kids. We both had our trust issues from the beginning, it was no secret. Oh well, life will go on, just like you said. We will both move on to experience great things. I guess what I am most upset about still is the fact that I will never get credit for how willing I was to please you. I did so much just for you, wasted 5 years of my life. All for nothing. I can't even call you an acquaintance. No one will ever know what we went through. All the stupid shit I did for you. The sacrifice. Rearranging my entire life. Our story goes to the grave with just you and I. It stings but to help ease the pain I do need to get this off my chest. I was always in communication with my baby dad. You should've known that. He's always going to be a part of my life and no one can ever change that. We have kids together and there is no other reason why we speak other than them. You were just too childish to accept it for what it is. So instead you created a bunch of shit in your head and acted on it. You're some piece of work but for that matter I am too. For the record, we never did anything foul while he was in town but he was in the hotel room with us for a while. The one you payed for! Laugh out loud. Oh yea, and my uncle hooked me up with a few hundred bucks while I was still staying with your folks. You never knew about that either. Hmmm, what else, let's see. I never slept with my kids dad though, not even when we went to court together even though you accused me of that too, that's not true. Honestly, none if this even matters but it makes me feel better to have it all out there. I have to move on too and this is just the process I use. I guess I wasn't really serious about you either or else I would've  just stayed and tried to work shit out. Some part of me feels like I was just doing it to get back at what's her face, Bugsy. Yep, I wanted her to know and now she does so I guess that's all it ever was. You used me and I used you. I never really cared that much about you neither. In reality you were just a rebound. I wasn't even over my ex yet when we started to date. I never stopped seeing guys while I was out here by the way, you were just the dumb ass who listened to all my problems and you bought every lie I ever spoke. An admittance from us both that what we shared was fake, none of it was real is what needs to happen here. We used each other to the bitter end. Now I can't even call you a friend but looking back at all you did I can honestly say today that I wouldn't even want to call you that. You deserve what ever you get and so do I. Neither one of is perfect or right, I know I messed up but at least I can admit it. You will never admit to the shit that you did. I just have to live with it. I will continue to pray for you because that's all I can do. As for me, I'm a distant memory, a face you will soon forget, a name you will hate to say or hear and the only girl who can say she was ever brave enough to walk away and leave you hangin. I didn't lose anything by losing you. From now on you will stay hidden in my past. God used you to teach me a valuable lesson and I'm grateful for that. I truly wish you all the best, even though you're a total ass. Life is finally looking good to me again and that my friend is how the cookie crumbled. My jumble once again has been un-jumbled. Take care. God bless. I pray we never cross paths again. 

You only love me when you're drunk!

I received a text about 3 am. It was you again. The text read something like this, "I miss you. I hate you. You suck. I love you." Immediately I knew you were drunk. I only cross your mind when you're holding a cup. You showed up at my house, unannounced. You were ready to pounce. You grabbed me up and pulled me close. I could smell the courage on your clothes. You kissed me hard then we made our way through a maze to my bed where we laid tangled up but then your buzz started to wear off so you took off. Just as quickly as you came, just like that you were gone again. You're always leaving me to go get drunk. When ever I get sad or lonely I like to look at our old pictures, it always cheers me up. When ever you get sad and lonely you like to fill pitchers up. You only love me when you're drunk. I never see you when you're sober. I can never pin you down. You never agree to come over. You're always moving around. You never call or text me anymore. When there is no alcohol involved I feel like you'll be bored. Some days I wish my blood was made of rum. Then maybe my love would fill/warm you up. I wish my lips tasted of cinnamon whiskey, maybe then you'd crave my kisses. I wish my words were vodka scented, maybe then I'd grab your attention. Maybe you'd actually listen. It's too bad you only love me when you're drunk. Hanging out together would be fun. All I've ever wanted is your love. A little bit of your time, some of your attention and a few of your hugs. What you fail to realize is that YOU are my drug. I wish you loved me as much as you love to drink but I guess I have to take what I can get. Maybe someday I'll get my shot. For now, go take a few shots for me and get nice and drunk. Loving me must be tough because you only love me when you're drunk. I still love you punk! 

Dedication: For my Pork Chop aka MAD. I will love you until we are both dead. You will always belong to me and I will always belong to you. Nothing and no one will ever change that truth. Love you. xoxo