I want you
to know that I know I’ve messed up. I’m a human and I do phuck up. When shit
happens, we’re supposed to know how to move past it. Right? Wrong. Half the
time we’re too busy trying to pick ourselves up that we forget there are others
willing to help us. Why do we get so blinded by our own stuff? Why are we so
reluctant to accept help when it’s offered up? Is it because you yourself
wouldn’t help someone else? Is it because we have been so conditioned to do it
all by ourselves? I try to take pride in helping others where and when they
could use a hand. I try to offer up sound advice to my friends and kids. I hope
that when I’m gone people will know that I was kind hearted and a caring soul.
I’ve made my mistakes in the past and I’m sure I’m nowhere near done making
mistakes yet. I admit every wrong I ever did, I accept the fact that I’ll never
be perfect. I live with the consequences of my own actions day in and day out.
No one can ever tell me how I feel or what I know about. You never know what
another person’s struggles have been. You won’t know someone else’s story
unless they’re willing to share it. We could learn a lot from one another, just
by sharing our own trials with each other. Life is not easy, not easily
understood, but when you have good people in your life it makes it easier to
get through. I’ve made the mistake of turning my back on people who I
considered my friends. Mostly for men. I’ve allowed people, men especially, to
treat me disrespectfully. I’ve let people walk all over me to get to where they
needed to be. I’ve finally grown up enough to realize that the only thing you
can ever fully trust 100% of is our Father God above. He’s the only one who won’t
let you down. He’s the only one who can really change your life, make an
impact, and erase your strife. God’s job isn’t to make sure your life goes the
way you want it to, all he is supposed to ever do is love you. Which he does,
daily. We are the ones who turn from his love and fail him. People tend to want
to blame him but forget that there is a Satan. No one ever mentions his name
when things aren’t going their way. It’s always, “Why God?” or “God doesn’t
love us or else he wouldn’t have let this happen.”. Yet, he is still always
there just waiting for us to come back to him. How many people do you know in this World who would
allow you to repeatedly mess up but consistently be there to pick you back up? Not
many. Your mommy, maybe. There are plenty who are ready to point out your
mistakes, watch you fail and never think to help. Those same people love to
blame everyone else for their mistakes. They never own anything. They’re the
ones with the most friends because all they do is take, take, take and never
give. They feel that they are enough. For some, they might be. More and more
people are settling these days. I get it, being alone stinks. I’d rather be
honestly content than just being put up with. I don’t want anyone to ever feel
obligated to me or my kids because of what I’ve done for him. I want to be with
the guy that absolutely adores me, can’t live without me, whom I please and
make wholly happy. I promise to God, I will be patient for the love he has
planned for us. I will no longer take these matters into my own hands, his are big
enough to carry us both. My love is out there. He is waiting for me too. All I
want is to be ready for him when he finally gets here. I know he’s coming for
me soon. God knows my truth, he has seen my struggles and he knows my heart. He
will be the one to send me a counterpart. I trust you Lord. I believe you will
continue to provide for me all of my immediate needs. I’m ready to love him so you can send him when he’s ready to love me back. Here I am. Ready to love again.
