People Hurt

War. Drugs. Murder. Rape. Suicide. Deceit. Infidelity. These things wouldn't exist without people. We are leeches for pain. Just like a stubbed toe or a paper cut. People hurt. I wasn't ready to face the truth yet. I needed a few days to process shit. I wasn't ready to deal with you yet. Us. This entire situation sucks. I can't believe we ended up breaking up. Dumb luck! Just so you all know, I have completely given up on love. I'm done. To you, my friend I have this to say. I got played. You and your brother handled me like a wet mop. He used me then passed me off. And you, well you were the biggest con. You studied me before we ever spoke. You learned me so you could turn me. I can't believe I fell for it. Toon was fool me once, shame on me. But you fooled me twice, so shame on you. None of it was true was it? You pulled the wool so tightly over my eyes that I turned into your fool. I lost sight of who I am to please you. You cast me in your play and I took the role. You were playing me like guitar strings for 11 months. Just to turn around and punch me in the gut. I don't even know where to start. I am trying to lay out my thoughts and feelings like a map but I can't keep anything straight in my head long enough to even put the pen to the page. I'm not even sad. I'm hurt first. Embarrassed last. And for the last. I have put my guard all the way back up, and this time no one is ever getting close again. 3rd time's not a charm, more like a sham. It's all good though. It was a good lesson learned. Now I can give up without feeling like I did something wrong. Now I can move on without obligations to anyone. Now I can move forward and never look back. I'm glad you pointed the spot light on my flaws. Thanks! You're right, I need to focus on MY relationship with God. The moment I let my guard down was the moment I fucked up. I should've trusted my instincts and NEVER let you or anyone else in. I am destined to roam alone. I've accepted my fate and I will live with it. My soul is not your concern. My salvation is not your  mission. My happiness is not on your to-do list. Let me go. You're free! That's that bitch life and her perfect timing. I'm bitter now but I'll get over it someday. I don't believe in "meant to be", there is no such thing. The reason I don't want to be around you is because I don't want to be ugly and mean. I hope you will understand. I told you from the beginning you deserve better than me. You lied so good for so long. You actually had me thinking that I had an actual shot at a happy ending waiting for me. What a whole crock of horse shit! Ha. I'll be laughing all the way to grave for this one. If there is one thing I've learned from you, it's that people hurt. You hurt me but I'll never say exactly how much. I wish you the best of luck. I'll just be here, stuck, picking all the pieces back up. I know this isn't the last time I'll be left to clean up my own mess because as long as humans exist, people will suck.  

Happily Numb

As if I wasn't already in enough pain, you had to come along and plant a seedling of hope. I should've known my damage would eventually poison the ground. I flied all of my red flags from the beginning. I guess I just thought this time would be different. I should probably stop guessin' then. I'm emotionally wrecked, it was never a secret. I can't wrap my head around why anyone would want to give it a go with me anyway. He messed me up beyond repair so I glued the pieces of my shattered soul back together. Then the next one came along and with just one blow, I lay in pieces on the floor. I can understand coming back to life after the first time your heart ceases to beat, but twice? After that I figured I was done. My chance at love had come and gone. I convinced myself to give up on love. Then you came along. You're an amazing person. I appreciate the time you spent with me. In the end it would be my sharp edges to spring the leak that would cause us to sink. I can't say I'm surprised. I'm also not in shock. I'm happily numb to be back at square one. At this point the only person I really need to learn to love is me. I'm not equipped to love anybody else gracefully. I am a mess. My only regret is trying to pretend like I actually believed this would turn into something real. Life is happening today. Not tomorrow. Not two years from now. I have to live in the now. There is no pausing or fast forwarding or rewinding life. It will happen on it's own time, at it's own pace. There is no altering your perception or mine. You're not around to convince me otherwise. So instead I will move on knowing I'm grateful for what could've been but never happened. The moment I felt my heart cracking I had to take a step back. I have to protect what tiny supply of love I've got left. I'm saving it so I can sprinkle it over a seed that I've planted myself. Someday, at another time and in another place. 

Stop Lying

Love is a lie, unless you can get it to show you the truth. I don't want to love anymore unless I know it's real. I'm tired of giving my all and getting nothing in return. I don't care how selfish that sounds. Show me something worth fighting for. Give me something to live for. I need a love that wants to be here. Show me a love that never fails. Show me a love that wants to stick around. When you take the word away what does it all mean? Love is not a word, it's a feeling. I want to feel your love when you're not around. I want it to be strong enough to knock me down. Smother me and don't let me up. Just love. Fuck. It's not that hard but somehow it eludes me at every pass. I am tired of the short-term love, I want something to last. If love was really love, I wouldn't have to ask.

IMYSM

I turned to grab your hand but you were nowhere to be seen. I yelled your name but you never came. Was it me? That made you leave. Did you have somewhere more important to be? Why did you leave me? An explanation would've been nice. Instead you just disappeared into the night. I would ask you to come back but I know you won't. Wherever you've gone to, the life you have now is what you want. Some things just weren't meant to be. Now that you're gone you're all I ever think about. I want to call but I know I won't. Do you ever think of me? I wonder if you ever think about calling knowing you don't. I try all the time to pin point when things went wrong. At what point did I go left when you went right. You were there one moment, then you weren't. It's crazy how we don't see what someone means to us until they're gone. Your presence, your existence, your acceptance, your attention. You. I don't know where you are, or why you'd go but you're gone now. I don't anticipate your return. I will live missing you. I will block the cavern you left so no one can ever visit it again. That place in my heart no longer exists. Like you in my life, it's a myth. It's pointless to ask questions that will go answerless. It's pointless to care whether or not you know this but the truth is and will always remain, that I miss you so much. I just ignore the pain.  

Water Rings

I once read an article that talked about friendship and how it's similar to the rings that form in water when it's disturbed. Friendship is very much like water. The rings closest to the center are your best friends. These friends can only be one or two and are the closest to you. From there, every ring outside the center are distant friends and acquaintances. The difference between the rings in the water and your ring of friends is that friends are interchangeable. This means that the friends closest to you may not always be in that 1st ring. Sometimes they move away, or sometimes the distant friends or acquaintances become your closest friends. There is no way to ever know or predict how these rings will shift. Some of us have had friends since kids that remain in the 1st ring to this day. In my case, the friends I had as a child aren't in any of my rings today. Sometimes, we have friends in our 1st ring but meet new people who take their place. Friendship isn't always easily navigated. It's a journey filled with peaks and valleys much like any other relationship. We have ups and downs, and sometimes blow ups even lead to break ups. Can you name the few friends in your 1st ring? How do you categorize your friendships? How do you know when the shifts occur? How do you know when it's time to call it quits on a friendship? What happens when one person wants to move on and the other does not? What are some of the qualities you look for in a best friend? Are they your friend because of convenience? Do they bring anything to your life or you to theirs? Do your friends come and go? If so, why do you think that is? Do you even have any best friends? What defines friendship for you? What turns a complete stranger into a friend? Friendship to me means that an unspoken bond has been formed. A bond between two people that can only be broken by those two people. Friendship means to trust someone with your truths. Friendship is enjoying someone's presence without any conditions. Friendship means being there, being available. Having a friend means I have someone to just listen when I need to speak and vice-versa. It means trust and honesty in any situation. It's give and take, a gentle balance of the two. Friendship is important, like water. We need it for nourishment, growth, change, and reflection. We need water to live but we need friendship to love. Everyone wants to feel loved, special, and important to someone. Be the friend you need to those who are proud to call you a friend. Take pride in your friendships. Stick up for them, protect them. Serve your friends and love them through the peaks and valleys. Friends shouldn't weigh you down, or bring toxic energy to your life. Friendship should be a lovely rapport between you and another person that enriches both of your lives. Sometimes it hurts to watch friendships crumble. It sucks to see close friends move to the outer rings. Just know that no matter if you have one friend, no friends, or 100 friends. People are just that; human. Don't take your friends for granted nor let them take advantage of you, and always treat them kindly and don't allow them to mistreat you. Friends don't have to always agree with each other or be on the same page but a friend will know the boundaries and respect them. In a world full of evil and hate, we need to spread love and joy. Reach out to your outer rings every now and then, you never know when someone loses a close friend and could use your friendship. I know I may not be the best friend but I love anyone and everyone who has ever graced my rings. It was/is a pleasure to call you my friend.