Tuesday and So Slow

I'm cold and it's lonely and all I want is for you to hold me. You left when I asked but you should have stayed to console me. Now it's been days since I've seen you last and my heart is miserable and sad. I want to reach out to you but there is nothing to say and all I feel is shame; just makes me want you to stay away. Why did you leave me alone when you know we both have a hard time on our own? You used the excuse that I needed space when it seems to me that excuse went both ways. What happens when we get to this place? Why can't we ever stay on the same page? You say you want what's best for me. You say that you'd do anything. You know what I want but you just won't budge. What's best for me is You. If you'd do ANYTHING for me then make your move. I need to be rescued. Isn't that your favorite thing to do? I am confused by you. You say one thing but your choices show another. You say you want to be with me forever but you won't even start the timer. I know what you're going through but that is no excuse to put our lives on hold. God's plan is the only one that makes sense but you just keep trying to make changes to it. The truth is you have no real good reason or excuse not to want exactly what I do. If it's something you can't or won't say to me out loud, then maybe we should just chill out. I need to be with you, every day for the rest of my life. I want someday to be your wife. I want our kids to be happy and set them up for success. I want what's best for us all. You want what's best for yourself. I am having a very hard time right now. You wanted to give me space so I'm going to take as much as I think I need and I know this isn't just bothering me. Hopefully you'll figure it out and see for yourself that being apart is not where it's at. I can't force you to react but I can stay back. So take all the time and space you think you need. When you're ready to actually move forward with OUR lives, and turn what's mine into yours and what's yours into mine, you should know where to find me. I'll be in this sad and lonely place, right where you left me. All I want is to be yours, if only you'd let me. 

Fallen petals

Ruthless beginnings lead to tragic love failed endings. Every gambler's fate. Always running out of time to collect their winnings. There is not one safe place. Everything is out on the table. Everyone is being exposed through their fables. Fear has swept us all. The future is hard to call. Where to go from here? Up, up, and away or stay still and fade. No one enjoys feeling afraid. They don't choose to be left behind. However, when the train whistle blows, you've got to get up and go. You can't run and hide. In order to stay ahead of the pack, you've got to be quick to react. This does not mean attack. Patience and gentleness are something we lack. 

Stay Woke

Been feeling all outta sorts lately. Like I could do more maybe. Feeling like you aren't enough is always kinda rough. I find myself often questioning how I got here. Like the days of my life aren't real. When I couldn't have it, this life had so much appeal. Now it's mine and it doesn't seem real and most days I don't even know what I feel. How is it possible to feel happy but sadly? Like her loss was my win but did I really want it that badly? How is that supposed to make me feel content? I got what I got but did I earn it? It's crazy how we can want for things but the manner in which we obtain them can make a difference in how we feel when we finally get them. Like winning a race because the guy in first place trips and falls on his face. Yea, you still won, but that poor guy you left back there in the dust. You ain't even stop to help him up but you're up there claiming "your" Gold cup. Why are we so inclined to go after what is forbidden from us? Like being burned by the fire after being told, "Don't touch!". Why are the things we should steer clear from the same things that captivate and intrigue us so much? Like staring into the sun or down the barrel of a loaded gun. Why is bad so much fun? If you could have a conversation with Satan would you choose to do so or let the opportunity pass? What types of questions would you ask? I'd want to know what in the hell is his plan? Like, "Why you mad?". I would say to him, "You had your chance to spend time with your dad and instead you chose to be bad. I am not afraid of you and neither should anyone else be. You are literally nothing. Go back to where you came from and loosen your grip some. Let us make our own choices of where we want to spend eternity from now on." Satan has such a tight hold on the World's souls and for me it's getting old. People are so mad, mean, and angry these days. It makes no sense to me. How people can so easily be so mean and ugly. We are obviously all hurting. I propose that until the trumpets sound we all just need to chill out. Take a chill pill. Relax. Only listen to the facts. Think before you speak. Think before you react. Before you jump to mad, look at the entire situation at hand. Sometimes things don't always appear as they seem. Sometimes it takes a little digging. It's a well known fact that nobody likes an ass. Be kind. Unwind. Call your mom and thank her for giving you life. Be what you want to be. Do what you want to do. Your life wasn't created to be lived by others, your life was meant to be lived by you. 

P.S. I'm not fat!

So. I have so many things I'd love to say to your face but we both know that will never happen. Instead, I'll place them here because they are weighing heavy on my heart and I don't want to carry them around with me anymore. First of all, I know in my heart and holy spirit that Satan is after me and wants so badly for me to come at you the way my flesh is calling me to. Well, guess what? I love God and Jesus Christ and neither one of them want me to be mean or hateful to you. So I am trying everything in my power to trust God and listen to Jesus and not come at you BRO. I can't speak for you but I refuse to allow Satan to control my emotions and he's certainly not going to control or influence my actions or reactions. Now, that being said, this doesn't mean I can't say how I feel about you or the situation. And yes, some of it is very ugly but it's my truth and I won't pretend to feel any type of way when I truly don't. I whole heartedly believe in honesty and transparency but I also believe in humans and I know that as humans, we all fail and fall short sometimes. Just because I believe in God and Jesus doesn't make me perfect. I still get angry. I still want to fight. I still curse. I still make all kinds of dumb mistakes. I can absolutely still be mean and all of those things Christ calls us not to be. No one likes a mean person. From my personal experience though, I can 100% guarantee to you that acting out because you've been hurt by someone or something is not the right thing to do. It causes you to become this person that God has not called you to be and to whom Satan wants to be best buds with. It makes you treat the people around you and the people you love poorly, which in turn will only make you feel worse. You will make yourself ill treating others poorly ma'am. You will also single handedly push everyone you love and who love you out of your life for good. That's a promise. We as humans are generally good. We don't enjoy conflict. We don't like to be wrong or have our mistakes pointed out to us. We don't normally like to see others hurting or in pain. So, if that's the case, you need to sit down and really think about what it is you're trying to accomplish in your life going forward. You have the most beautiful family and the way you are acting out and treating them is going to cause you to lose them all. No one wants to be around someone who is always so negative and hurtful. From the beginning of all of this, I never intended to hurt you. Now from a scorned woman who has also been cheated on, I understand that you will never accept that statement to be true nor will you ever give me the benefit of believing it. But Honey, I didn't fall into Brandon's life, I was purposely placed there. Now this shit is about to get super real because this is the ONE and ONLY place I get to be super real without life's repercussions knocking at my back door. I can say everything I feel like my little heart needs to say to you and you probably won't ever see this. You need to grow the fuck up bro!!! Your kids are suffering more than you know. And if you do know then you're showing them you don't give a shit about their feelings. Everyone goes through tough things in life, some worse than others, and yes some people are stronger than others. Some people rely on God, others have found meditation or other outlets to help them cope. No one gets a free pass to neglect their kids or be an asshole to their loved ones. If you're having a hard time, then take a time out, and figure your shit out. Don't ever allow yourself to bring everyone down with your sinking ship. You are not entitled to a thing dear. You aren't owed anything, financial or otherwise. You were handed a Golden key on a silver fuckin platter to a life that was going to provide you everything you could have ever wanted or needed out of life. At some point you swallowed it, shit it out, and flushed it down the drain. Welp, sorry to hand it to you but I was left for dead in a sewer and it floated past me so I grabbed it, wiped it off, and God lead me straight to the life it was meant to unlock. You fucked up chick! You fucked up majorly and now the only ones you want to blame are everyone else and not yourself. This is not all your fault but a lot of it is and you aren't willing to be held accountable for your actions. You cheated on your husband with his best friend and then, to take it one step further, withheld that information from him for 10 whole ass years!!!!! bruh. And you paint me to be the bad guy!!???? Hahahahahaha. Ok. You're a liar, a manipulator, a cheater, and you were a horrible wife. Being a wife is a privilege, not an obligation. You are so selfish that you never once stopped to give God any glory for all of the bountiful blessings he laid at your feet woman. Don't even get me started on the way you've treated Ms. Angie for all of these years either. It's no wonder she's on the verge of losing her stomach. All of the separation, tension, and worry you've caused that wonderful woman over the years, it is a wonder she isn't dead. Who ever told you that treating people like shit and manipulating others to treat people like shit is ok really steered you in the wrong direction hunny. Ms. Angie never did anything but love her son, and you were just too jealous of their relationship so you created havoc to get her away from him. Why? What did she ever really do to you? Stop blaming everyone else for your demise. Stop being angry at things you no longer have any control over. Stop projecting for the entire Northern Hemisphere to see, that you are heart broken and running wild and give no fucks. When's the last time you prayed? When is the last time you did something for someone else without there being a consolation prize for yourself or bragging rights? When is the last time you hugged your kids? But like really hugged them.. The last time you made them dinner, made them laugh, tucked them in??? You are a neglectful person. You have neglected so many of your personal relationships that now you're realizing you don't have people in your life the way you initially thought. Where there was no line in the sand, you took the biggest, ugliest, meanest stick you could find (i.e. your big dick boyfriend) and drew one. No one was ever against you. No one ever tried to intentionally hurt or attack you. No one stole your husband or your life. You chewed them up and spit them out. Now you're trying to fake making it right which is only making it so much worse. You have every right to be fucked up about your divorce, losing your house, losing the only life you've ever known, losing your best friend but again, you have ZERO right to act out because of it all. YOU ARE AN ADULT!!! Act like one ffs. Instead of rolling over and just dying and shitting all over the people who love you most, and making a blooming fool of yourself, why not embrace this entire experience as an opportunity from God to hit reset on your life. You're not dead. Stop acting like it. If you're sad, YOU have to find a way to be happy with yourself. If you're depressed, YOU have to take action and the necessary steps to combat that depression. If/when you feel lonely, it is on YOU to find and be around people who bring you joy and make you laugh and forget about the trauma you're dealing with. You are responsible for YOU. Only you can be a mother to those precious angels. I can only be a mother figure to them but I will NEVER be able to take your place. You can still be friends with your ex-husband but you can't cross the invisible boundaries that now lay between you two. You have to learn how to respect his new way of life. Stop being so disrespectful to the one person who actually gives a crap about you dude. You had a chance to even be cool with me and because of your pain, it's gone. I will never give you a second chance to be an active part of my life. I have no urge to want to get to know you. To me, you will always be that crazy bitch who attacked me in the truck. I want nothing to do with you. The damage is extensive but it's getting worse and worse. You are crippling any resemblance of a chance that you have to still have a meaningful relationship with your ex. He screwed up and cheated on you. He lied to you. He kept his true feelings from you for too long. Now we are all here. If you don't think he's paying for all of those things by having to be witness to what you're doing to yourself, you are wrong. Do you really believe he gets any type of enjoyment out of seeing you hurting? If so, then you really never knew him at all. He didn't deserve anything you did. He was a good man to you for a very long time and you gave him up for some drunk dick. How could you? How can anyone treat someone who has been so loving, caring, and supportive, so poorly for so long? I just don't get it. I will never have any sympathy for you. Your choices and actions boggle the mind girl. Take it from someone who has been physically and emotionally abused, cheated on, lied to, even punched in the face by a man. What did he ever really do to you to make you act the way you're acting now? Cheat? Really. You can't sit here and spew this bullshit about him fucking you over when you did it first, covered it up, lied about it, changed your story however many times about it, and then never made any real attempts to not only apologize for it but amend it. If you broke something in your marriage hun, it was your responsibility to at least make an effort to make it right. What do you believe in your heart to be true Jessica? What do you want? Where do you see yourself in the next year? Talk to God. Grow up. Go to church. Go back to school and maybe finish this time. Make something of yourself so your children can be proud of you. Live YOUR OWN LIFE. He doesn't want you anymore. You did it to yourself. You can't blame him and you certainly can't blame me. You can toss that shit in the can. Find some positive influences and friends who care about you instead of running around town galivanting with women who are just as low or worse off than you are. Your life isn't over and Brandon nor your kids hate you. So what the fuck are you doing?? FOR REAL. STOP. YOU LOOK FUCKIN STUPID!