Reflection

 

I've picked up and put down my phone at least a thousand times since the start of all of this. It's so easy for our words and actions to contradict our real feelings. You can say one thing but your eyes will tell me different. When it comes to you and I, we can talk a thousand times and still feel like things were still left unsaid. I suppose I'm waiting for a missed call or text that you won't ever make or send. One saying you love me and can't live without me, and that I'm your soulmate, and we'll be together forever no matter what happens. Some days I wish you would just throw all of your inhibitions to the wind, drop everything you've ever known to come explore and roam the unknown with me. Instead, I guess I need to stop living in that fantasy. I'm always looking for a new place to call home, finding myself lost, roaming alone. Just when I think I have stumbled upon what I'm looking for, I get shown the door. I know I don't belong in your life nor you in mine. I know I can't stay in your heart nor let you stay in mine. I know you could never give me what I want or need just the same as I'll never replace your family. I know I can't be the one to quench your thirst every time you need a drink and I can't depend on you when I need to breathe. The only word to describe you and me is, tragedy. It's a tragic story where our reality supersedes our wants and needs. Wrongs and rights make absolutely no sense when you and I agree but no one else is allowed to see. I am so fucking tired of hiding what's important to me. I hate not being able to tell you what I want to say because I'm afraid of what will or won't happen next. We're holding back and it's not fair for you or me. Why would you ever say you think you love me? Did you not think about how that might change things? Sometimes things are better left unsaid. You should've never let that thought out of the confines of your own head. It's one thing for me to fall in love with someone I know I can't have but it's another to be told he loves me back. Don't you see that nothing will ever come of this? I may as well be as good as dead to you and I don't hold enough weight in your life to change that fact. The damage has been done. You have my poison coursing through your blood. This isn't an easy situation to be undone but we can't exactly just go back to how things were before. I think it's selfish of you to say you need me in your life too. I have no purpose in your life. Why express your true feelings to me when in the grand scheme of things, they mean nothing. You're never going to leave your life behind and I'll never be good enough to make the cut. I can't sort through all of the emotions I've been running through, the pressure is too much. I'm not an idiot and neither are you. You can say whatever you feel like you need to but I'll always know the truth. We're both lying to each other, to ourselves. There is no us. Keep telling yourself that what we both want is not even a possibility. Maybe lying to yourself will make things easy. Whenever you wake up and look at your reflection in the mirror every morning, when you feel your heart pulling, when you want to see me, hear me, love me, touch me, be with me but you know you can't. I want you to know that I'm feeling exactly the same. What a tragic end to something that never even began. 

Pluto is too far anyway

I've been gone for so long now I don't know how to find my way back. Regrets don't always stay in the past. They say to learn from your mistakes and not make the same ones twice. I've learned from mine alright but I always pay a hefty fine. I've heard that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but this is not what I was taught. I've been desperately trying to find my way but it seems my way is lost. I took a wrong turn back there somewhere because I was distracted by his eyes. It only took a second before we met our demise. It all happened so fast, in the blinking of an eye, we spiraled out of control and died. Now the lives we knew we had are dead and gone. The next question I have is how to move on? I know I can't stay but the thought of leaving makes me ache. I'm already in love with you and I know it will prove to be troublesome for us all. Now I don't what to do. I'm stuck between me and you. Either way one of us will be hurt. I'm putting my money on me. So I reached out to the one person who I thought might be able to help. I was deeply in love with him once upon a time and he's been collecting dust on a shelf. He was once all I ever wanted, he was all I could think about. Though our time was short, I never lost hope for something more. It's been almost a year since I've seen him last. We went out last night and I thought I'd be fine. I knew going in that I still care deeply for him. As the night grew from young to old, I realized that the spark has long since gone out. But then again, there is still that glimmer of hope. I know the more time we spend together will positively stoke the fire. I figure I was hoping he could make me feel what I used to feel so I could stop focusing so  much on you and start focusing on someone else. That didn't go over so well. Now I see I have to distance myself. He's a welcome distraction but I'm already losing traction on this slippery slope. How do I keep myself from loving you? How do I stay away? How the fuck am I supposed to convince myself that I'm ok? I guess my only option now is to play my part and play it well. I have to say goodbye to you because this won't end well. You know it and so do I. I have no real chance to be in your life and I see that now. We will just have to come up with creative ways to keep each other out. I'm really good at ruining things and sucking life from what is good. Nothing in my head or heart will ever be understood. Stay away from me, I'm begging you. I know it's gonna suck but it's the right thing to do. I guess I just wish I could take it all back because I'm not strong enough to push you out yet. My one and only defense is to be mean and ugly to you. I don't want that to be true. I wish there was another way out of this fate. But the truth is, I will never be yours and you will never be mine. It's the same fucking situation I find myself in every time. This is what I get for not being careful with my own heart. It's not your fault. Don't beat yourself up. Just keep your distance and we should be fine. I'm nowhere near ok right now but I will be. I just need some time and more late nights with my unicorn. Should we ever change our minds though, I'll be busy drawing up a map to Pluto. We can meet there and live happily ever after. Just say the word and we can leave this world behind. I'd give anything to live the rest of my life in those blue eyes.   

Dominoes

It's sad the way you set yourself up, only to watch yourself fall. Then you have to force yourself back up. Brace for the impact. Force yourself to walk. Force yourself to go on. Will anything ever just come? Or will you always be forced to fight for what you want? You're constantly on the hunt with blanks in the gun. You aim, shoot, and miss every time. Over and over again like it's your life. You should be sorry for being so bad to yourself. Why do you stay so torn when you know the truth? You even know where to look for the answers to your questions but you just don't look. You always stay when you want to go and move when you should've stayed put. Impatient is a mood. You're of poor judgement and it almost always leads to poor decisions. Life goes on while you're stuck playing catch up. You always need extra credit on your homework. You can't ever just do shit right the first time. You're constantly scraping to make it to the ending. Aren't you so sick of spinning? You should be. Isn't is hard to keep moving when you're always dizzy? You have so much love to give but never get any. Seems like loving you takes up too much energy. It comes down to capacity. Will anyone ever be willing? Will anyone ever want to stay with you? Will anyone ever just love you? You keep making all the same mistakes and it's getting harder and harder to keep up with the pace. There is no one to blame but yourself and making changes is not your strong suit. Leaving the past in the past is the hardest test of time. You want him, and him, and him, and then none of them. You want the way he made you feel, not the feelings. You don't want to share what you had with someone else. You're selfish. Jealous. You meticulously set yourself up just to watch someone else come along and knock you down. When are you going to get tired of picking all of the pieces up? When are you going to realize that the person that treats you the worst is yourself? When will enough finally be enough? It's high time you put the dominoes on the shelf. 

Congrats!

It's so hard, not to fall back into this trap. Of all the names on the "Do Not Answer" list, his is the ONLY one I'd gladly pick up. I'd like to front like I'm strong enough to keep it moving but I know in my heart, that for him I'd take two steps back. I'd stop, pause, hit rewind a thousand times, if it meant more time with him. I always never realize how badly I miss him until he's in my IM's again. I couldn't help myself so I reached out. I said, "I graduated" and he said, "congrats". I told him I'd settle for a hug and he said yes. Here we fkn go again Linds. Not this one again. He left you for dead like dust on a shelf a long time ago. You said, you'd leave him in the past where he belongs. He's number one on the "NEVER SPEAK TO AGAIN" list, yet here we are again. What is it about this human that turns you into such a walking contradiction? What power did you give him? Why him? He's just a man. A very tall, handsome, sexy, intelligent, exquisite, accomplished, well-dressed, finessed, spectacular in bed, pristine specimen of a man. Pfttt. And??? And, now we're going to do the thing where we try and convince ourselves we can do better than him. So let the commencement of convincing begin. You may all have a seat. I am just going to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground this time around. Yes, I am curious to see if anything will come of this but I won't hold my breath. He is unattainable. I know this, but he also responded to my IM. If he hated me, or even disliked me a little bit, if he didn't want anything to do with me, if we weren't special to one another at some point, then why would he bother responding? Why would he want to coordinate a meeting just to hug me? Why wouldn't he just block me instead? I know he cares, whether he shows it or not. I know he still thinks I'm hot. Maybe I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe talking to him again is reckless. Maybe I'm going down a destructive path that will take me right back to lost. At this point, I am already so far gone. I guess I just don't give a f*ck! I guess I just want what I shouldn't want. That's always the theme of us. He's the forbidden fruit I should stay far away from. He's also the sweetest fruit I've ever had the pleasure of taking a bite of. It's just one hug. What could possibly go wrong? Congratulations!!! 

General Update 2019!!!!!!

Happy New Year!!!! Hehe. I GRADUATED Y'ALL!!!!! I AM A MASTER!!!!! =D So, yay for me. Before I get ahead of myself let me rewind a bit and take us back to the beginning of 2019, end of 2018. At the end of 2018 I thought I was losing it all. Stephen broke up with me, rent went up, I almost lost my job, I had to give up my race car, and things were just crappy. After January, everything happened so fast. It's crazy to think about what I've lost, what I've overcome, and what I've gained in these past few months. Stephen and I were still cool until we weren't. He chose a life with his bb moms (which is fine) but he made the decision to not be friends anymore. Diana and I are no longer friends. Dane is locked up until 2026 (unless he makes parole before then). Isaiah is in Houston now. :(  Mommy got a car! I got a brand new 2019 to go with my brand new 2019 Master's Degree!!! I get off paper next April!! After that I will be able to start my career and write more books. I will be able to move around. And hopefully God will put someone worthy of my heart in my path. I suppose everything has it's way of working out. I envisioned this time being different, celebrating it with different people. I thought I'd feel differently. Really, nothing has changed. I'm still grinding and hustlin for mine. I still have five mouths to feed. Rent to pay. Bills to manage. One thing that always remains constant is God. I give all the glory for my accomplishments, my trials, my triumphs, the lows, and the highs, and everything in between all to my heavenly Father above. God thank you so much for giving me a beautiful life. Thank you for my opportunities and experiences. Thank you for all of the people you have brought in and out of my life. I love them all. I pray the blessings continue to pour out over me, my children, my family, and everyone I love and care about. God bless us all. 

Happy 2019 y'all! There is no limit to greatness. I'm on mine. What are y'all doing? ;j