Flying Kites

This life of mine has lost it's mind. I've taken a turn for a destination unknown. A midst something I've wanted for so long I can't help but to feel like this song has been sung. It never crossed a single thought that one day I would wake up and want something else. I'm beginning to doubt everything I've ever felt. I see some of the same red flags that were there before. There is no infallible way to know this thing we have is real. Is there anything wrong with me for feeling how I feel? Why now am I having these feelings? I am on the brink of getting everything I thought I ever wanted and now I don't know if I want it at all. I want to be 100% sure or more and I want the same in return. I want to have the same end goal with who I am planning on sharing my soul. I want all of the focus in our relationship to be on God. Why is it so hard for people to trust and understand that without God in their life nothing will ever be right? I've tried doing things my own way, plotted my own course and decided my own fate. I made mistakes. I turned right when I should have turned left. I looked down when I should have looked up instead. No matter how hard I worked or believed that I was doing my best still I wasn't happy with my life or my choices. Since then I still haven't given myself a break yet. I moved from one horrendous situation to another, maybe even worse. Why would anyone torture themselves? Why do I feel like I don't deserve anything but the best? Why do I always catch myself settling for less? What is in this for me? Will I get my happy ending? But right now I don't even know what that looks like or what that is. I am still searching for a way to harness my purpose, I have plenty of time for mine. I know the things I need to do. I am responsible for more than any one person can chew. My main focus is building up to God and I can't bring myself to want to give that up. I've come so far from where I was and loving someone who can't love God is taking 10 steps back. I refuse to do that. I need to know that the person I want is also on their own personal journey towards God. I want a man who understands what love between two human beings truly looks like and truly means. I can't have another impostor wasting another precious year of what little time we all have left. I am so completely over being so completely fake. I can own up and admit when I've made a mistake. I'd rather live with a clear conscience than a muddy slate. Someone once told me to build the foundation of your relationship on solid ground and be careful not to build it in the sand. I used to take that saying so seriously until I realized that absolutely nothing in this life is built on solid ground. There is no such thing. One minute the ground you're walking on can disappear from beneath your feet. Then where will you be? Instead I will construct two pair of everlasting wings that will carry us through any and everything because who wants to be bound to the ground when the real secret to a lasting relationship is to be free. God is the only one who can grant you that one luxury. He can wipe your past away and give you everything. I want a husband who believes the same as me. If I haven't found him yet I know as long as my focus is on the lord God will allow us to cross paths and meet. Until that fateful day comes I will remain true to me and all I believe and all that I will continue to learn about how life should be. I give up chasing my life like a flying kite so instead I'll just hold the string.