Dead dreams and haunted hopes

Yep. The last time I checked my status is still wrecked. Distractions are still a must. Wake up. Open those perty eyes of yours. Get up. Shake off the dust. He decided to give you another try today. Don't waste anymore time he said. Today will be great. Better than the last. Maybe even the greatest of all. Tomorrow you'll be fine. If you are not ready to give life your all you will never know just how far you can go or how hard you can fall. In this life too many lies are acknowledged as truth. Some turn the other cheek while some step up and speak. Most people speak off of their immediate emotions and before you know it they're changing their notions. What becomes important in the matter of a moment can also become very unimportant in the glimmer of an instant. Life is a never ending mission. What we all know as our conscience constant is actual nonsense. Like gossip. Here one day and gone the next. Nothing is ever of enough importance to stick. The tiniest of things can create a buzz and then just like that it's gone. Your life holds no weight. What did the existence of my life change? Like the way I feel like I never happened. I feel like I didn't exist. The last 6 months of my life were a complete miss, I was completely dissed and dismissed. At first I was just pissed then the shock wore off and reality set in. My anger turned to resentment. The half empty boxes littering the front entrance of this house we don't belong in are the remnants of my life's sad little disaster. I hear my laughter and am disgusted with myself at how fake I sound. I don't care to wear this smile around but what choice do I have. Behind my eyes is pain but we only have one life to live. Nothing to lose and everything to give. Everybody including me keeps telling me to push past it. Even I know I can but I can't pretend I'm good when I'm not. I can't deny that I miss him. Alot. He was my all for so long then it all just stopped. My heart still aches for him. My wounds are still fresh. I can't say that I'm over it yet. I'm not at that place yet and it is driving me mad. I am still so sad and I hate it. There's nothing that's going to change it. I want to hear from him so bad. It's a constant battle not to reach out every single day. Does it make me ridiculous for still caring? What is the time frame for falling out of love? Not hurting so much? Moving on? I suppose it will come. I'm afraid to stay stuck. I wish I was like him. I wish I didn't give a phuck. I wish I could stop thinking about him. Deleting the pictures didn't do much except for maybe make me miss him more. Breaking up really brings out the pathetic in people for sure. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me but I wish there were someone else out there who understood. I'm having feelings that I don't want but I can't control what is driving them or where they keep coming from. I just want to be ok again. I pray daily for God to make the sadness and pain wash away with each passing day. Make my life make sense again. But just in case you were wondering, yes I'm still very much in pain. It hurts everyday I just have my ways of hiding my wounds. I miss you. I pray you're doing great. I still have high hopes in someday. I hope we cross paths again if not on this side then on the other side. It's all documented on the cloud now, our intimate conversations broadcast for the entire world to hear. Time standing still. Our story on pause. I apologize I didn't give life my all when I was with you. You took too much of me and I couldn't balance anything. I fell apart and now it's apparent that leaving was smart. Calling it off was the right thing to do. I'm not happy in my own life yet but I can say I'm happy for you. I still love you, I ain't gonna hate you. I understand. I completely understand. All that sh*t I said was true. Right? Isn't that what you said? I can only wonder if you still feel that way. If you ever really did. Either way, now they're just words once said. Broken promises. Pieces of my broken heart floating around in the pool of my tears flooding the ground. But tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow will be great. If given another chance I'll try and give life my all this time. I don't want to waste another minute of my time. He's given me a second chance. I can't waste it wondering what happened or why. All I have now is today. And today will be great. Better than the last. Maybe even the greatest of all. Tomorrow I'll be fine.