Envy

You never really hated me; it was just what you were taught. Given the opportunity to get to know one another, we may have actually gotten along. You based your ideas about who I was on someone else's words. You never once tried to figure me out or what I was about on your own terms. All you knew and believed about me were the things you were told. You never inquired about my role. My responsibilities. My feelings. You just based your opinion off of someone else's experiences. You didn't want to speak with me or get my side of things. You didn't ask my friends or family questions about my life or my past. You assumed what you wanted to in order to make your own story true. I never hated you, either. I never hated anyone. I hated evil actions. I hated deceit. I hated people hating me just because of what they would believe. I was truly hurt by many things, but I kept them to myself and didn't say anything. I never defended myself against the lies being told. I never tried to clear my name against the shame. I just kept being me and going along with what was necessary. I never swayed from my own truth. I never based my own opinions on some shit I heard from someone else. I always based my own opinions of people on the experiences I had with them myself. I am sad that you allowed the poison in the air to get into your head. We could've been friends. We could've at the very least had an understanding. You shouldn't have judged a stranger unless you knew their pain. You shouldn't have said the things you did without knowing the entire truth. You shouldn't have talked so much shit without walking in my shoes. You never hated me; you only hated me for what I had. The funny thing is once you made it yours, you were still sad. Envy is an emptiness that will never be done. It's a hole full of despair and loneliness. A hunger that is never won. 

Scary Places

It's quiet here, in this place I cannot bear. 

Imprisoned by four walls is all I've ever known. 

Always and forever prohibited from growth.

No place ever truly feeling like home. 

Sun dripping in like honey. 

Breeze sweeping in through the trees, past my knees. 

Kissing my hot cheeks, whispering at the sweat behind my neck. 

Playing, laughing, swimming around in daydreams like a child.

Thunderclouds, instead, inside of my head are knocking around. 

Never a path worth taking, so I'd stop short.

Divert. 

Never taking the fearful leap from the diving board. 

Clenching to the rope of eternal youth. 

I've landed in the cold, stagnant pool of never could. 

All because I never would. 

Say, "Yes." 

Say, "No." 

Just let go.  

Now I find myself here. 

In this scary place of, "What now?", and "How?". 

Where to go from here. 

It's good to know where you are. 

It's sad to be afraid of reaching too far. 

Facing the fear of failure. 

Always afraid to start or try because I am afraid of failing. 

Fearful of rejection. 

Not from any other human. 

Rejection from life. 

An ejection from my life purpose. 

A black hole. 

Worthless.