On the Bench

Im not too sure where this will end up, I knew it should begin but I can't help to feel like I've been saying the same things over and over again. I have a valid point of view or maybe even a few I can share. I guess I'd have to get going if I'm ever going to make any of them clear. It's a Friday night and I'm at home. I'm not all alone but I still feel alone. Even if I had somewhere to go I couldn't find anyone I'd want to go with. If I had found someone to go somewhere with chances are they would have wanted to have been somewhere else with someone else than who they came with. I find myself always coming in second place even when I'm confident that I'm going to win. I guess that's the script when you're 26 with 5 kids. Who the hell is asking? I'm not really sure. I do know this that I've been putting in the work, I've studied and practiced and have mastered skills that I can beat the master with. Yet I'm the one left standing outside because I was trying to be nice and stood there holding the door open for all you assholes that looked right over my head and didn't even say a thing. A simple "Thanks" or nod your head, give me a wink. No I didn't get one fucking blink. Now I'm the only one without a seat?? But since I like to laugh at defeat I pick up my heavy feet and step inside anyway as the door closes behind me. Now I'm just standing there in front of all you guys and people have the nerve to come up to me and say "Oh, I don't know how you do it?" and it is the same reaction I always get, accompanied by the long stares and unjust judgements. In some cases I'd rather just get a drink thrown in my face because at least I'd know they weren't trying to save face. I mean face it, it's what you'd really all rather do. Right? Well f*ck my life that was the vibe I got. I guess I'm more socially awkward than I thought. It's even funnier when I meet a man for the first time and everything is fine until I open up my aresenal and my '5BOMB' hits because then he splits like the horizon of a sunrise; so quick. It happens everytime. Some of them let me down easily with some miserable excuse that is more transparent than a clear glass tube but usually they just slowly retreat and disappear like fluid smoke in the air. I guess the challenge IS more rewarding than the win. I hate referring to love and relationships as a game but a game is what it is. She sees him, he sees her. He likes her and she likes him. But they both end up pretending to be somebody else in the end, mess up what probably could have been and are forced to start all over again with a new her or him. What happened to confidence in knowing you are the best and came prepared for the win? Sounds like a game to me. There are usually two or more players, someone has the spotlight and someone else is always trying to take the top spot, become MVP, it's back and forth, it usually become a physical sport and in the end someone will win and someone will probably get hurt. Let's be honest, nobody likes to lose but in the end it's not the win that a player gains the most from it's the points they've earned during their run. My Gold metal has been collecting dust because the last game I played I lost so bad that I've given up on ever being a gold metalist ever again. I am tired of playing to win. Winning is not always about some metal sitting on a mantel collecting dust or some trophy on the shelf. I've retired my belt so someone else can have a try in winning that fight. For me, winning is knowing you played fair, gave your all and did your best. The memory will not be of who won but how they made it through to the end. When it comes to comparing games and relationships and someone loses and the other wins, it ends. In the event of a tie, then you've met your match, a friend to always be there to play catch with. Another player that is on your level. Someone who likes to play but is not interested in keeping score. Someone who will play with you through to the end but would rather lose just to see you win so they could challenge you again. Someone who wants to see you do good, grow and get better. Someone to help you up that ladder or be there to catch you in case you fall. A real partner, a friend, a companion, a lover; another. Someone else other than yourself. So, the next time I stop to hold the damn door open for you, a simple "Thank you!" will do. Play on playas! Hate on Hatas!