Ghost ships

I find myself alone with my thoughts again. Some days I feel like I'm stuck in the sand. I need to slow down but I move way too fast to ever let anything sink in. On the surface I remain calm but deep down there is a raging storm. I can't help but to stay this way, wearing thick skin and not letting people in. I thought by now I'd have someone to be with. I never contemplated losing my best friend and having to start all over again. I know now that I'll never be the same again. I ruined my life for just one kiss. Now I'll die never knowing the truth, left to wonder if anything was ever true. I know I'll never fully recover from the burns I have suffered. I'll have to take pain medication each and every single day for the rest of my God given days. No body knows these pains I've felt because I've mastered bluffing the hands I've been dealt. What you see is not always what you get. After all some of the most gorgeous smelling flowers grow from Shit. I can say I've never been to this place before, I'm nervous, kind of frightened but I keep moving forward. I don't know why I'm always in a Rush! I guess I feel like I have to stay on my toes and always be ready to push. I've been searching for an unlocked door that might open up to a whole new world. I don't necessarily want things to change per say but would like to see the sun shine on my face again someday. I would like to find a place where I fit and can be comfortable and happy with who I get. There is no more wrong or right. I am criticized for living my daily life. I don't know why but I'm used to it. People are so judgmental and sensitive to every little thing done or said. Everyone is the same you know? We were all born and raised, taught what's wrong from right, grew up and live a life every day and all the time. So why look so closely at mine? Am I really that interesting or are my life's failures just really that amusing? Let's see. I had five kids by the age of 26, I lost my mind when my father died, I lost the trust my best friend gave to me and now we don't even speak, I thought I'd be married and living happily but my fiance was cheating on me. What else do you people want from me? You want me tell you about how I fucked a bunch of guys when I found out the father of my children was feeding me lies while eating some other bitches pie? Ok. Yea that's true too. If he didn't want me what was I supposed to do? Just sit there and die? Every time he'd go and break my heart I went and found someone else to fix my broken parts. So go ahead call me a stupid name it will never change a thing he nor I have done. He says I should have been honest in telling him that I did my dirt but why should I tell you anything when you cheated first? You say you would have never come back to me time and again if I would have just told you about this guy or that but you never thought to ask. You didn't come clean to me about who you would go see or fuck so why was I going to just give that information up? You made the fatal mistake of not inquiring about my days and always just assumed that I'd take you back. All those times we broke up and got back, you never considered that maybe I had someone else in my sack? You really thought you had me locked but in the end you can see that you were wrong which actually turned out to be right because there was never ever even ever a You and I. It was a false relationship from the start and all I ever was was just another tally mark. I blame myself for giving you that 1st kiss because without it we both may have had a chance at real love and happiness. Now I'm preparing for this long trek ahead and hope I don't work myself to death. This life I've set up for myself would not have been easy with help so I just hope I can manage it all by myself. My children will be my legacy so it's extremely important for me to provide them the very best, give them respectable advice and sound guidance. I have to teach my girls that men will lie and tell you anything to get in your pants. They will be sweet and take you out, buy you things and make you feel proud but in an instant can turn around and tear you right back down. But a man is only interested in one thing, he doesn't mean all of those sweet things he says or does. He's a liar and deceiver and if you don't do what he wants he'll find someone who will make it easier. I ended up being that stupid little girl who fell for someone telling her he would give her the world. Instead all I got was a self-worth complex, trust issues and a bunch of kids left to raise them alone. So excuse me for being the way I am but you couldn't possibly know what goes on in my head. You can't hear the thoughts in my mind. You don't read in between the lines. You weren't there when my heart fell to pieces. You weren't holding your daddy's dead cold fingers. You didn't push out 5 human beings naturally with no meds. You haven't walked in my footsteps, not even an inch. Being you should be a blessing because you know not of my pain or transgressions. What you see is not always what you get. Like when you're reading about my life when I'm actually dead.