Snake Eyes

Woke up in tears this morning. 
I couldn't even get out of bed. 
The dreams are horrific.
I just laid there and wept.
I swear every day is different.
I promise myself I'm ok.
I'm moving forward.
Then the next thing you know thoughts are creeping in. 
I can't get you out of my head or from under my skin?
You're there when I wake and when I go to bed.
You're in the songs I can't get out of my head.
I can't go one day yet.
Without thinking about it. 
I feel so pathetic for feeling this way.
I just keep going over things.
I catch myself wondering what you're doing?
Having time to reflect is crippling my movement.
Tears well when I picture your face.
I think about all kinds of things.
From the ramp up to those last few days.
Things I might have done different.
Words I could've said in another way. 
Now it's dead air what we share.
After everything and I'm just here. 
I can't make up my mind.
Whether or not I was right. 
I'm so sick. I'm crushed. I'm stunned.
You did everything to me you sought to do.
I hope you're proud of yourself for going through with what you did.
I hope it makes you feel like a better person for hurting me.
You hurt me worse than anyone I've ever known.
I keep thinking about all I put up with for you.
Everything you put me through.
How I went through hell for you.
I didn't even get any quality time.
It was never just you and I.
I just keep telling myself it's alright. 
Better luck next time.
The question now is how do I get you out of my head?
How do I get a good night's sleep?
Put it all to rest?
What is the trick to wake up not wanting to hear from you? 
Do I pretend that you're not important?
How did you just turn it off? 
Some days I think you were pretending the whole time. 
I was never important to you. Was I?
I was never anyone in your life.
You rolled my life like a pair of dice. 
Snake eyes.

December

He knew something was up. The phone was turned off, he couldn't make his call. I'll never forget how he glared at me. He fixed his things getting ready to leave for work that morning. December 23rd we stood there in the doorway. I looked up into his brown eyes for the last time. In my mind I was saying my goodbyes but I couldn't leave on bad terms. I kissed his soft lips, kissed them again then let go of his hand and said, "see you later". He got in the truck. I watched as he pulled out of the driveway, felt the first tear drop fall away. It all came flooding to the surface. All the reasons why I was leaving. The cheating. The deceiving. The total betrayal. You didn't hit my jaw, you hit my heart and I knew it was time to go. I wish those last two weeks were how things would've been from the beginning. A ring. It confused me how amazing he was treating me after everything. How could things go from good to bad so quick? How could they end like this? I could feel his eyes trace my face. His big strong hands wrapped completely around my waist. I remember the smell of his kiss on my small lips. The sound of his voice beneath my face as I lay on his naked chest. It's the little noises and his way of speaking. Watching his face wake up from his dreaming. His warm embrace in the cold air of the mornings. Listening to him singing. Friday nights. His real smile. Watching him shave. His name. Him. Never saw him again. He moved on to bigger and better things. No one ever heard from her again.