Icebox

My heart is on lock, frozen solid like a block. Ice cold is my soul, my life is on hold. When they hit pause I lost control. Time slipped right off track and I can't get it back. I have no voice, this was not my choice. I turned left and he went right. Half of me might as well have died that night. He took the breath right out my life. Didn't blink an eye, never thought twice about the pain he was about to inflict. I believe if he could pull the trigger, he'd aim for right between my eyes. I've been stabbed before, this is nothing new. I've walked around with my heart bleeding on my sleeve for all to see. I've been broken beyond repair for many years now. No matter how hard I've fallen or how far, I've always managed to pick myself up. This time is different, this time is tough. I don't want to give up but I'm too weak to get up. They say there is strength in numbers. My warriors are prisoners of this war. I am fighting this battle on my own. Aside from God himself I stand alone. I have no one to turn to, I have no back up plan. I should have never trusted him with my kids, not then, not now and never again. I will get them back, it's just a matter of time. Time slipped my mind but God scooped it up like sand. He poured it into an hourglass and set it in my hands. He told me all I need is faith in him. He told me I could trust again. He told me to follow his lead because he has a plan. I know that this is the toughest trial of all my life. Being away from my bones is unlike any pain I've ever known. I've been stabbed, shot, run over, lied to, cheated on and even punched in the face but I've never been through anything more excruciating than this. This is what happens when you take your focus off of God and take matters into your own hands. I have vowed time and time again to be his. So how did I end up like this? Why did I put my trust in man? Why did I ever trust him? After years of the same thing over and over again you think it'd be clear. He thinks he has power here. He thinks he will have the last say. He has never been so wrong about anything. God knows his heart and the things he did. I will prevail in the end. I know how to play by the rules and live by the truth. As hurtful as this all is I know my babies love me. I know what is in their hearts and where they want to be. I will fight until I make things right again. Until then, one half of my heart is with them. The other half is wrapped in foil, frozen, in the icebox where I left it. I can't wait to take it out and thaw it out and put it back together again.