Square One

I've heard so many things now. I don't  know what to believe. I've eaten so much BS I'm no longer hungry. I've swallowed so many lies I'm not sure my appetite will ever resume. I've tried pushing forward. I've tried falling back. Nothing seems to work. I'm stuck. No one seems to ever be around to offer a friendly nudge or pull. I'm always standing so close to the edge. I can't decide whether to jump or not. I'm always hoping a strong gust of wind will come knock me off. Such morbid thoughts always dancing around in my head. How can a person have such powerful urges to die while already feeling so dead? I'm one whisper away from consulting with the voices in my head. Perhaps I already do, insanity is nothing new. All the best people are crazy, some more than others. I went down to the tracks yesterday. I walked along until I heard the familiar sound of the locomotive yell. I kneeled down and placed my hand on the track. As I did, the thought passed through my head, would being hit by a train be a quick or slow death? Soon enough it was barreling down the tracks towards me. I stood in it's path and could feel the vibrations beneath my feet. Instead of fear I was struck with anger. I was angry at myself because I knew I would move off of the tracks just in time. It's not my time. Not for me to decide. As it rushed by I wanted to reach out and touch the blurry cars. I just stood there and watched it pass by, similar to my life. Hardly a riveting brush with death. I don't have an explanation for why I do these things or have these thoughts. Life can be enjoyable if I give it a shot. I don't know why I'm so intrigued by death. When the World is so cold I suppose death is just more inviting. Waking up and going to sleep and doing everything else in between alone every day gets severely boring. People keep telling me I need to embrace this opportunity to focus on me. Utilize this time alone to work on myself and become better. Well what was wrong with me before? Am I that terrible of a person that I've been banished to solitude to fix all of my inner issues? Having freedom you don't know what to do with is daunting. I have more free time that I know what to do with. It's absolutely depressing. Where are all of my friends? What happened to my social life? I'm tired of asking when my kids will be back. I live in perpetual sadness. They say actions speak louder than words. So what else do you do when you've done everything there is to be done? My actions have not changed the outcome. I'm back to square one. When I finally get bold enough to jump tell mom and the kids I love them.