Let's have a Picnic!

I function for the fuck of it. There is no real purpose in my hustle anymore. I do it just to do it. I have no rhyme or reason. I'm tired of pretending like there is a silver lining for every fuckt up thing that happens. I refuse to continue to put up this facade that everything is fine. I am dying inside if I'm not already dead. Jesus, if you haven't figured it out yet I am impatient. Pardon my language. I swore I was working on it. Get it. My bad, some of you might not think what I'm saying makes any sense. I can hear your questions in my head, "Isn't she Christian?", "Wasn't she just baptized?", "Isn't she saved?" Why am I so angry? Why am I so damn sad? If I am so rooted in my faith why am I so lost? Maybe if I knew I wouldn't feel the need to write any of these dumb ass blogs. Maybe I do get views from all over the world but no one actually cares about what I write. If they did I'd have friends in my life. I wouldn't be so damn sad all of the damn time. I'd feel like my life had a purpose and it doesn't. Why is it that when something upsets me I turn to this? Because I have no one to hear me out, maybe. I have built up so many people only to turn around and knock them down. I've been allowing for people to be my only source of happiness for so long that without any of them around I am lost. I let myself down too easily because I depend on every one around me to be happy. This is why God warns us not to put any weight on mankind because they will let me down every time. So here I stand, alone, on my own two feet. I know what I believe. I went as far as to take the step to outwardly show my profession of faith, yet I am still confused as to what I am supposed to do. How is that even possible? I feel like the answers have all been written down in front me but for some reason when the pencil hits the page, I mark the wrong dot anyway. I have been given so much advice I don't know what to do with. Something that stuck with me was, "if you're hanging around the wrong people and making the wrong choices, you won't get where you need to be." There are so many things wrong with that. 1st of all, what people? I "hang out" with my kids. I have no friends. I have no social life. So what wrong people do I hang out with? 2nd, "Making the wrong choices" Hahahahahahahahahaha. Welcome to my life! If I knew how not make the wrong choices, I don't think I'd be bitching about having such a fuckt up outlook on my life. "Get to where I need to be"?? I don't even know where I am half of the time so where I need to be is a foreign concept to me. Some advice! Thanks homie. I'll take everything you said into consideration, in the back of my mind, the next time I decide to get drunk and have a lap dance. Fuck! Fuck this. I am a lost cause. I know I do this too much. Go back and forth. I say I love God, then turn around and mess up. Some where inside of my DNA, some chromosomes must've gotten crossed. I belong in the mental ward. I can't make my mind up from saved and doomed. Life is waiting to die right? So what are we really doing? What a Life? What a beautiful life. The only constant I've ever experienced in this life is the bullshit and the pain and trauma. Forgive me if I stop trying. Forgive me if I gave you hope at one point. My sincerest apologies! I am royally fuckt up! Please don't look to me for any advice. I am one messed up basket case full of pain, anger, and more questions that can be answered. Meet me in the next lighting storm with a pen and a pad and I'll let you pick my brain while we have a picnic in the rain.