Pizza and Ranch

Sometimes I just want to sit and talk shit about all the people who I feel have hurt me or wronged me in some way but to someone who doesn't know any of them so that they'll agree with everything I have to say. Sometimes I just need validation even if I was wrong. I just want to be right! I'm not the only one. Fuck your life. This one is mine. I'm sick and tired of living sometimes. Like, what in the actual fuck is the point of any of this bullshit?? I'm done. I don't want to get up and try to look nice and go to a job where I feel like a nameless minion that hardly pays me enough for me to skim by every month. Most months I am borrowing money anyway. I drive a car I can't afford to maintain. I live in a shitty apt that is not worth the hundreds I throw away for it every month like clockwork. Fuck the 1st! I used to get my period on the 1st of the month and at some point my cycle changed but it was definitely bloody murder. Pun intended! Some change is good I suppose. Whooops, I apologize was that TMI for you hoes... fuck, my bad I didn't mean to call y'all that.. Um, actually U know what, that was exactly what I meant to say. Fuck it! No one reads this shit anyway. So, there you go. I am in a give no fucks type of way, having a fuck the world kind of day. I don't see black or white, no more, everything is grey. I'm in a maddening love with a man I can never get. It is the most hurtful thing to live knowing there is someone so amazing roaming around that I can't have. Especially since I already did. I'd rather be punched in the fucking gut than wake up with this emptiness in my chest every single fucking day. For fucks sake. I masturbate to his name with images of him going down on me.. Oh shit. My bad, TMI again. HAHAHAHA! Well, in your face (that's what she said), now you know all of my business! Big deal! See if anyone cares. Can't I just catch a break? I see all the assholes around me getting whatever the fuck they want but I'm stuck with fuck! What? What do you want from me? I am a wreck. How many times do I actually have to say it? I can't repair the damage in my soul. I'm a fuckin' black hole of pain. I know something is defective in my heart and my brain. And I've already said the F word too many times now to mention God. So we'll skip that lesson for today because it's obviously not working for me anyway. I've said it already that I'm a shitty person who can't take my own advice. So what? I don't even know why I try to strive for anything anymore. I have all these goals that I will accomplish eventually but I don't even want half that shit anymore. Again, what is the point? This redundant, repetitious, fictitious, repulsive existence is turning me into one resistant bitch. I don't even know what the fuck I even want anymore. I just don't have enough energy to even care. I work to make money to give it away to live "comfortably" and take care of my "responsibilities" as an adult because it's what I have to do as not to be shunned by the standards our society has placed on this life God gave me and I'm supposed to wake up and rejoice everyday and be happy because I'm alive to see another day and I have kids so that automatically makes me a role model so of course I can't just roll over and die and waste my "precious" life and I'm supposed to cherish the time I have because life is too short to live with regrets when I can sit here and tell all of you mother fuckers today that in the next 5-10 years I will still be here, letting loose all of my fuckt up jumble on this fucked up blog because frankly it's all I fuckin' got. Word. Have a wonderful fucking weekend! Thanks, I feel a little better now. xx