Heart Pillow

I've been sitting here for hours trying to recall happier times but the inspiration evades me. I'm so tired of writing about my perpetual sadness. I wanted to write about something happy to try and pull  myself out of whatever slump I'm in. All I could come up with was my dad. That just made me more sad. It'll be 12 yrs on the 2nd of February since he took off to a better place. I haven't cried about him in years but for some reason, lately I've caught myself holding back the tears. My kids deserve to know who he is. Of all the people in the World, God chose to take the person I counted on the most. I was warned about leaning too hard on people but I mean, if you can't lean on mom and pop, what else have you got? I learned that lesson better than anyone else that you can't depend on anyone unless you're prepared to get the rug pulled from beneath your feet. Life has a funny way of making it seem like everything is going great, then WAM!!! Life says, "Nope! Think again." On a random Thursday evening, the only life line you have suddenly gets called to the sky and just like that they're gone for the rest of your life. If that's not some pain then I don't care to know what is. I have 5 kids that deserve so much more than what I can give. I try my best but it's nowhere near enough. Part of me feels like if they had their Pappy, life wouldn't be so sucky. I know of anybody, he would've been an active participant in raising them. That truth digs so deep into my soul I get chills down to my core. There isn't much more to be said about it, other than I miss him today just as much I did that day. I think about you everyday pop. I miss your laugh. Your smile. Your advice and the way you could always make me feel safe even when the situation was precarious. No man will ever compare to the love you gave to me. You took my heart to heaven with you when you left, I hope you use it as your pillow while you rest. Maybe that's why I'm so messed up and don't feel like I am capable of love. Life has sucked everyday since you left. I miss you so much. Only God knows to what lengths I would go for just one more of your hugs. I feel like a failure without your approving nod. Sometimes I don't know what life is worth if I can't share my successes with you. I know you're sleeping sound. I think I'll probably shed a tear or two tomorrow for you because the pain is still so real. I can't believe it's been 12 years. I know some day I will be given the opportunity to see you again and maybe then we can set aside some time to catch up. I miss you and I love you Pop. 

FOR MY DADDY 

DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS SHERRILL 5/27/1962 - 2/2/2006 

WATCHING OVER ME ALWAYS