Sand Box

This has gotten so out of hand. I have spent an obscene amount of time pining over a man who cares not if I lay dead in a grave. What is the dysfunction in my head? Can someone please explain it to me? Can any body save me from me? My wires are obviously crossed at the base of my core. I need to be ripped open and reprogrammed. Maybe I just need a few shots of something cool in my cup? I need to just stop. I wish I knew how. If it were that easy I would have just stopped by now. Yet, here we are. Addicted to lyrics. Avoiding the truth. Evading the energy. Ignoring one another like we're two little kids in the park. I am at my wits end. I'm sick of putting up with this mess. I no longer know what to do with myself. It's a disgusting display of self decay. I'm just rotting from the inside out trying to figure him out. Though there in nothing to figure out because he tapped out. This, whatever this is, ended long ago. It ended that day he stepped out of my car like, what.. 10 fucking months ago!!! Geeze! Something is terribly wrong with people like me. I'm holding onto a bunch of nothingness. I talk to strangers thinking it will fill the void. I walk around with a pageant worthy fake smile plastered across my red stained lips. I miss your fingertips on my skin. Fuck, Fuck! Nope. No I don't. Don't go there Linds. I take that back. I want to scratch your back... Dammit, No. No I don't. Not again, the flashbacks attack like angry fire ants. Which by the way I am deathly allergic to. I am allergic to missing you. It's making me ill. I want to scratch the memories out. They're so few and far between that I have a hard time understanding how they're still so vivid. I can't sit still. I can't focus on myself. I hate you. I love you. I want someone else. I want you. I am one loose screw away from falling completely apart. But I have my shit completely together. I am an anomaly that can't be described. I am rare. You said it yourself. Crazy, maybe. Ok, yes, definitely! We all know this. Have you read the past 7 years of what's been floating around in my head? I'm dead. I'm alive. I'm happy. I'm depressed. I'm a bum. I'm a success. I'm in love. I'm a slut. I love God. Does he love me back? I'm hot. I'm cold. I'm on a psycho roller coaster from hell. I can't stop the Merry Go Round! I can't dismount the see saw. You lured me into a beautiful nightmare and now I can't wake up. You kicked sand in my eyes sitting in the sand box with me because I stole your toy and pissed you off. Now we hate each other? But we can't stand not playing together anymore. You miss me. I miss you more. What the fuck is wrong with us? We are grown ups. Aren't we? You are so far gone I don't even know you anymore. Not that I ever did. I on the other hand, still exist. Somewhere in the distant memories you try so hard to forget when you're leaving the gym at 5 am and standing alone in the shower reminiscing on my ass peaking out from beneath my over sized wife beater making my bed we just left. Oh yes, you so badly regret ever fucking with me but you did and now it's part of your past you can't ever erase. I know you're over it. You don't know me either. Not that you ever did. We're just strangers now. Just what you asked for. With diligence you managed to get your way. Or hers I should say. So stop thinking of me then because I can feel it when you do and when you get that feeling it's because I'm thinking of you too. Intuition doesn't lie. I know when I am on your mind, so stop it because I'm losing mine. Please, because you thinking of me isn't healthy for either one of us. You're so good at lying to yourself. Keep it up. This is what you want. I'm gone. I'm the ghost now. We're not unicorns anymore. We are ghastly apparitions begging to cross over. For the record, I will take a page from your book and lie to myself every day too til I'm dead and tell myself I'm over it. I'm over you. I don't like you. I never want to see you again. I'll never bug you again. The noisy cricket has been silenced. I squashed her with the heels you love so much. I won't ask for your help when my car breaks down. I won't think of you when I'm sleeping naked beneath your shirt. I'm good. I'm straight. I'm happy. I'm great. I promise to pretend like I'm done. I quit. I took it too far. This shit has gotten way out of hand. I will remind myself every day to just stop it awready. I drew a line in the sand.