5 heartbeats echo true love

True love is her little face on the pillow next to mine when I wake up. It's her grabbing my hand in the cold when we step out. It's the way they still want me around. They want my time. My attention. I know they love me, it isn't a question. It's the one thing that always remains constant. It's the way she cleans the kitchen without me asking. It's the way she always asks for permission. It's the way they ask me what happened when I seem low. It's the way they genuinely care to know. It's in the way they want to help. It's the way they come to me for advice. It's the trust we share. Love is when they trust me with the secrets in their hearts. It's the only love I've never had to ask for. It isn't forced. I don't have to plead. I don't have to beg. They just love me because of who I am. True love is as simple as this. It doesn't have to be so complicated. We don't need each other's permission. We don't have to wonder if it will ever be different. Our love is of the purest form. There is no stronger bond than mother and child. It's the one treasure that is sacred to me. It's the sound of his voice when he's being patient. It's when he rubs my shoulders when he sees I'm in pain. It's his little voice when he's laughing and joking. It's the sparkle that lights their eyes when they smile. They will never understand the love that swells in my chest for each one of them every day. Often times I just want to cry because of how much they love me. Sometimes I think it's too much. What a beautiful problem to have? Being loved too much. They've taught me true love. They've taught me unconditional love. They've taught me patience and transparency. They appreciate my honesty. They remind me that my best is good enough. I don't know where I'd be or who I would've become without their love. My little Swans. My ducklings. My entourage. My family. My heart. My love. They're the bat signal and I am batman. True love does exist and I am capable of loving them and being loved. They show me that everyday with their hugs. It's you and me until God calls us home. Should I ever lose my way all I have to do is be quiet and listen. With 5 heartbeats echoing true love, I can always find my way back home to them. They are my lighthouse and I am their ship.  

Like this

I can write about whoever and whatever I want. That is my freedom. We can't predict our feelings. I never thought I'd ever be affected like this. I never imagined things would end up like this. I always played it off like I knew what I was doing. I didn't. Now we're both paying for it. I'm one strong ***** if I can handle pain like this. I keep moving forward even though it feels like I'm dying. Glass cracks with every single step I take. At what point does the present turn into the past? How long will it take for you to forget my face, if you haven't already? Fake love is almost worse than real hate. I feel it in my veins, the pure disappointment of losing again. It courses and runs through me like acid in the rain. I'm being consumed by all of these useless thoughts everyday. My mind is so full and heavy like a pregnant belly. Tears are the only way for my trapped thoughts to escape. Tragedy is my friend. Sadness is my way. Depression is my face. I wish someone would just come wash it all away. Make it disappear. Make the pain go away. Make me new again. But no one is ever going to take me serious, it's always been like this. No one cares enough to make me laugh.No one really wants to marry a train wreck. Am I insane for wanting to be loved? It feels that way. I lose everyone I try. I'm tired. When you decide it's time to go will you even say good-bye? They never do. And I can't figure out why I even try. My life is an empty vase. I haven't smelled the roses in days. I guess they're dead, like my chances to find happiness in someone else. If I can't make myself happy, what's the point? I don't care to inquire anymore. Love is a bore. It's a ticket I'm no longer paying for. Time and money are my lovers now. If single is my life, I'm gna spend it right. I'll be fine. I don't want to go on like this but I'm all out of options. I will be right here even after everyone else disappears. Lonely. Alone. By myself. In my chest. Writing sad shit like this. 

Worth waiting for

Like a wilted flower who has lost it's beauty, her head falls heavy, eyes to the floor. Oh, bittersweet words, what a vivid romance we have cultivated over the years. The story always the same. I seek you, never to be sought after. Just as I begin to fall, you're getting up to leave. None of them were ever what I needed as I would never become what he wanted. Change erases the ways that once were and the passing hours keep track of new moments like tick marks on the calendar. The sand dwindles in the hourglass and the sun sets as she waits, and waits, and waits for nothing to change. The embers from the fire singe her fingertips in the same way she always thought he would but that chance would never come. Now, nothing is the same. She knows not one truth. I'm only living to exist, existing to live. I've seen so many opportunities fall through the cracks and disappear. Now where does she go from here? What I want is not too much to ask. What I need I can't ever seem to catch. The secret to life is to be content with yourself. Everything else falls into place. I know I need growth. I know I crave to feel loved. I yearn to be desired. But no one ever wants. She quenches his thirst and my love is left to dry up like a puddle in the desert sun. Hope is a high better left untouched. Her life is an untapped source of love. Oh well. What's it all for anyhow? Delicate petals on the floor, beneath her bare foot as she cascades down the aisle. Someday. Whenever forever is no more and the days cease to come.      

A Happy Reunion

You can tell when it's love or anything but.
My heart is like a sponge, soaking it all up.
When the last one let me go, I thought I was lost for good. 
Then I looked up, and there you were. 
You pulled me from the mud, washed me off. 
Protective and passionate in a way I didn't know possible. 
Where have you been? 
I've waited years for this. 
Now your number is in my contact list. 
We crossed paths in the past but a connection was never made. 
I'm glad we waited. 
I am content with the positions we're both in.
The universe had bigger and better plans for you and I. 
I am strapped in and buckled tight. 
I am ready for this ride. 
I want to see where we land. 
I hope when I look down it's your hand locked with mine.  
Together at last. 
Fire and water, embers and ice. 
A gentle balance of two elements. 
Now to see how long we can make it last.
I pray we don't get burnt out. 
I once was lost but now I'm found. 
Reunited and it feels so good now. 

I'm doing fine

Oh man. Why does letting go of love have to hurt so much? I want to say so many cuss words, just let them drip off of my tongue out into the atmosphere, dodging tears. I am in so much pain here. Just when I think I can walk again, I am crippled by the pain. I hear myself say, "I'm fine." Such a useless lie. Everyone around me can see the sadness written on my face. Puffy eyes, dark circles, it's as if the paths from my tears are permanently etched into my skin. What are the culprits here, that divided such a beautiful union? We were talking heaven sent. We were talking holy matrimony. We were talking to the end of our days. Now, it's "We'll NEVER speak again." What happened? Satan wins? We end before we ever begin? Pride? Yea, we're both guilty of letting that in. I'm really not ever going to reach out to you again. A tragic truth. After reading the last letter you wrote, I'm pretty sure neither will you. So, we spent 11 months investing in faulty stock. You said the ball is in my court but I don't even play ball. You said, maybe you'll reconsider speaking to me if I change. Don't hold your breath. I know you miss me, I can feel it. I wonder if you're experiencing as much pain as I am. So, back to MY pain. It won't just go away. I've dealt with enough broken hearts to know it'll take months before it even begins to fade. You'll be home by then. I'd like to think that we can eventually clean up this mess. Then again, I know how convicted you are and I begin to second guess any second chance. I do miss you. I still love you. I don't believe that will ever fade. We never allowed life to tarnish our love. It will always remain pure because we never touched it with our greasy fingers. It's like the rose floating in a glass case. Once that last petal falls it's going to be too late. We ran from our fate to escape certain disappointment. Now we have to sit and wait to watch what happens next. Meanwhile I will try to contain the pain and pretend like everything is ok. I will keep pounding into my brain that "I'm fine." I'm ok. I AM FINE. I'm doing fine. The pain and I are companions. I'm hoping once I know you're free, I'll be able to move on. I can only speculate. Right now I am just trying to deal with the pain.

P.S. Should you ever come across, and read any of this, please don't take it as your queue to reach out. Leave it alone. Move on. I'm fine. You know I've got to get it all out. Unfortunately, this is usually where it lands. Out in the open for everyone to see, including you. Don't read any of this mess, it's only going to make it worse. Trust me for once. You're fine too huh?

xx -Linds