I'm doing fine

Oh man. Why does letting go of love have to hurt so much? I want to say so many cuss words, just let them drip off of my tongue out into the atmosphere, dodging tears. I am in so much pain here. Just when I think I can walk again, I am crippled by the pain. I hear myself say, "I'm fine." Such a useless lie. Everyone around me can see the sadness written on my face. Puffy eyes, dark circles, it's as if the paths from my tears are permanently etched into my skin. What are the culprits here, that divided such a beautiful union? We were talking heaven sent. We were talking holy matrimony. We were talking to the end of our days. Now, it's "We'll NEVER speak again." What happened? Satan wins? We end before we ever begin? Pride? Yea, we're both guilty of letting that in. I'm really not ever going to reach out to you again. A tragic truth. After reading the last letter you wrote, I'm pretty sure neither will you. So, we spent 11 months investing in faulty stock. You said the ball is in my court but I don't even play ball. You said, maybe you'll reconsider speaking to me if I change. Don't hold your breath. I know you miss me, I can feel it. I wonder if you're experiencing as much pain as I am. So, back to MY pain. It won't just go away. I've dealt with enough broken hearts to know it'll take months before it even begins to fade. You'll be home by then. I'd like to think that we can eventually clean up this mess. Then again, I know how convicted you are and I begin to second guess any second chance. I do miss you. I still love you. I don't believe that will ever fade. We never allowed life to tarnish our love. It will always remain pure because we never touched it with our greasy fingers. It's like the rose floating in a glass case. Once that last petal falls it's going to be too late. We ran from our fate to escape certain disappointment. Now we have to sit and wait to watch what happens next. Meanwhile I will try to contain the pain and pretend like everything is ok. I will keep pounding into my brain that "I'm fine." I'm ok. I AM FINE. I'm doing fine. The pain and I are companions. I'm hoping once I know you're free, I'll be able to move on. I can only speculate. Right now I am just trying to deal with the pain.

P.S. Should you ever come across, and read any of this, please don't take it as your queue to reach out. Leave it alone. Move on. I'm fine. You know I've got to get it all out. Unfortunately, this is usually where it lands. Out in the open for everyone to see, including you. Don't read any of this mess, it's only going to make it worse. Trust me for once. You're fine too huh?

xx -Linds