Full Circle

I could never say that life has been easy on me. I grew up way too quick. I've always been mature for my age, even at age 6. I thought I was a grown up when I should have been being a kid. I cared about things that others my age didn't. I saw things that maybe I shouldn't. I listened in on conversations had that should have been kept private. I wanted things I couldn't have. I developed an interest in love while others played games and developed a crush. I didn't look at things in a normal way, I had a broader vision of the role I'd play. Fast forward to 17 and I was with child before I even knew what I wanted to be in my life. There I was caught in between the greatest love I was experiencing and the one I had yet to meet. It would have been easy to disguise my 1st child as a mistake but 2, 3, 4 and 5 later what can be said for them? In my only defense I thought I was in love with him, I thought we'd share our forever, I thought he felt the same and I so badly wanted us to be saved. Unfortunately it wasn't love and now we live in separate forevers, he never felt the way I did and there was nothing that could've ever saved us. We demolished our chances of being happy because Pride got in our way. The lies overcame the love we thought we shared and instead sealed our own fate. Over the years, the heartache and pain I've learned that in a relationship two people must both want the same things. Where I wanted to be safe and live inside of a warm forever together, he wanted to roam alone outside in the unpredictable weather. Now once again I find myself delving too far in, alone in a sense, forced out in the cold to roam until I find my next destination. The night I lost my light I wanted to die right next to him, just lay down beside him close my teary eyelids and never wake up again. Losing everything can make you feel like nothing. I spiraled downward into a black empty nothingness that I couldn't break free from. That fateful night turned out to be the answer to my whole life. Sometimes the thing you want the most is right in front of your eyes but the things you think you need become their disguise. I'm almost grateful now that he didn't answer my calls because now I know that he wasn't the one I wanted to comfort me at all. The person I needed that night turned out to distract me from an even brighter light that slept soundly just in the next room. It's funny how things you think you know can be so wrong until you can begin to decipher a scrambled picture as a whole. This entire time I've had another man on my mind, inside my heart but vacant from my life. It wasn't until recently that I found what I was looking for. He was the only one there for me the night that changed my life and he's still on my mind and inside of my heart but now he is the biggest part of my life. I stood there with my head buried deep into his chest and he stroked my head as I wiped my tears and he said to me without certainty that everything would be awright. I never imagined it'd be he and I. This person who played such an integral part of just one night has become my one and only true light. He shines from within so bright that I can't imagine how I was ever able to ignore his light. Now I feel like I can't even breathe until the day he is once again embracing me. I crave to share that moment once again where I bury my face back in his chest. The next time I see his face, instead of looking away I will kiss it so hard it will take both of our breaths away. I am in the most undeniable love I have ever felt in my entire life. The way he makes me feel completely annihilated anything else I ever considered to be real. He has opened my eyes, pulled me from my darkest pit and now my eternal path is lit. Our love won't ever quit, we both felt it before we even knew it exist. If this is what love is supposed to be then I've come full circle from where I used to be.