I'm so sad today

I'm so sad today.
I'm trying to distract myself but this feeling won't go away.
I wish my brain and heart would stop arguing.
My eyes are puffy and swollen.
My head is a whirlwind.
I can't find a way to take this pain out my chest.
Why did things have to be this way? 
How is he just fine?
When each passing minute all I want to do is cry. 
I've been commended for leaving.
Everyone told me it was right.
So why every time I open my eyes does it feel like I'm going to die? 
I'm torn up inside.
No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I'm alright...
I'm not alright. 
I'm far from fine.
Stop saying it's going to get better with time.
I have to get all this out of my heart and my mind. 
Thank God for this.. Writing. 
I have no one to talk to.
That's not true. 
I just don't care to. 
My attitude is all out of Whack!
There is no getting me back.
That poor heartbroken girl is done. 
It's a wrap.
She will never resurface again.
The person writing all this out isn't familiar.
I don't know who I am anymore.
Or what I want. 
I was handed everything I asked for and just walked out the door. 
I've lost. 
Plain and simple. 
Maybe I'll go back to being silly and simple. 
Maybe that girl has been me this whole time.
A "Silly Simple Bitch" trying to shine!
While everyone was busy getting theirs, I was busy losing mine. 
I don't know why I even tried to be with that guy.
What in the galaxy was I thinking? 
Now I'm so sad I can't think straight. 
I suppose some believe all wounds heal with time. 
I know the wounds never heal, time doesn't heal a thing!
The trick is to learn how to live with the pain.
Trust is the hardest to achieve. 
If there is no trust, you can't learn to love and you will never be able to endure what's to come. 
I won't survive another fall.
My heart will turn cold and fall apart.
Crumble into little pieces. 
What you see on the outside is just a disguise covering up all the pain I will hide.
The reality is I'm hurt.
I'm crushed.
It's going to take me forever to clean all of this up.
Stop saying it'll get better.
I'll never get over this.
Forget about everything I did. 
All the time, wasted.
All those tears I cried.
All those years I was there.
Now you're no longer in my atmosphere. 
Nothing will ever compare or come close to how bad this feels.
I can't focus on anything else.
I can't wait until it's time to go back to sleep.
I'm so sad today.
I want to fall asleep tonight so tomorrow can begin.

Stalemate

He got fount out. Kinda like the last. Not that he cares. Not that I ever had a real chance. He'll never start to feel bad for what he did. None of them ever do. It's broken promises and empty apologies. I got played but he got played too. Oh, What a shame. Not that I didn't see it coming from 1000 miles away. This King was bound to stray to a different board. I trusted in it anyway. I pressed forward just like the pawn that I was in his territory and on his board. I never stood a chance against your squad. Some parts of me knew. At least you can recognize I displayed courage in my advances. Oh, the why's and the where's and the who's and the how's. Karma reared her ugly head. My game was doomed from the very first move. I should have never wrote that first letter then. "Angel Wings" my big round juicy ass! I set myself up for that. What was I thinking would come to pass? How did I see so much in such a foul excuse for a man? It was bad timing on both our parts. I wish I could have left the story alone instead of trying to pick up where we left off. If I would have just left them alone when the opportunity arose, only God knows the possibilities or where I'd be. I should have let my heart heal the first time around. Now I have to re-position my pieces again and try another tactic. Reconfigure my entire game. God is shaking his head at me but I can see when and where I became distracted. I own my mistakes. I learned a very valuable lesson but it doesn't lessen the stinging of the pain. Someday I'll be ok. Someday I'll walk looking up again. I have to figure out a way to move past this mistake and make things appear like I'm happy I made it out safe. Some part of me was taken and stayed with them. When you lose so much of yourself to the likes of someone else there is no recovering it all. You have to know when to cut your losses. The best thing being to never look back, learn from the mistake. You have to come up with a new game plan. I know now I can't take one more breath or make one more step without God's protection. God does not deserve the background. I thought I could live without God in my life and it killed me twice. God has always been the answer to my prayer and hopes for a good life all this time. I know I don't have nine lives and I'm not willing to test that notion again. I know God is the only way for a minnow like me to survive in the ocean. I knew better before I ever left God's side to try my luck at love with a man of the flesh without his blessing but I went through with it anyway. I know now that's why it failed. It is impossible for God to lead the way when you're constantly straying from the path he has laid. I will never trust myself again. I'm lost without God's movement. There can only be one King in life. I dug my own grave. I dove right into this pain. A man will let you down every time. A man will learn how to cloud your judgement and control your moves. Soon he gets bored with playing fair and will play darts with your heart as the target. You can not put any of your weight on a man because the moment he moves your whole world comes crashing down. God will support you if you trust him to. God will move too but he will warn you. God will test your faith but so will Satan. You have to be strong in your faith to know the difference. We battle with the flesh daily. I allowed for this man to become my main focus. I lost everything I accomplished because of making the wrong moves and taking the wrong risks. I've lost an investment I can never get back again. I gambled my life on a man of flesh. If in fact life is a game of chess then let's just call this one a stalemate. You can't tell me he didn't lose something valuable too. You can't convince me that I'm the only one in pain. We both waited in vain. There were better ways to not end up this way, far apart, missing out on what could have been ours, what we both waited for. I guess we'll never know what we lost. It ended before it could even start. What do you do when the love of your life steps out? What can you say? Will you have enough courage to love another in the same way? What things will you change as to not make the mistakes again? How will the next time be any different? I would've let you win again and again but you chose to play dirty. You cheated. I would've done anything for you. I thought you could see that. I thought I'd be the best thing to ever happen to you. I thought you loved me as much as I loved you. I thought we'd be together always like a King and a Queen should. You ruined the purity of what we started off with and couldn't resist the temptation of the flesh and it cost us both the game. I'll never understand how easy it is for a man to give himself away, lie and look into the eyes of the one he claims is the only one he's giving his love to all the while knowing the pain he can cause if the truth ever slips out. You hurt me more than any words can ever say. In your head I deserved what you did. That's ok. You'll never see me as the real queen I am anyway. Only God knows my true value. Maybe someday he'll show a man of God who I truly am and how to treasure my pure heart and open up an opportunity for love to be. A true unconditional love to flourish from within me. Someone in this world will recognize the love that's leftover in my heart and it will be just enough to spark a light inside of my soul that will call my spirit home and let me learn how to love again. For now I will put all my trust in God. He will be my light, my guide, my home. He will heal my pain. He will help me to walk again. God will never cheat on me. God will never lie. God will never raise his fist in anger and let it fly. God will never put me down and make me feel ugly or weak. God will not punish me for the wrongs I've done to him. God will forgive. God won't let me fall asleep with tears in my eyes or anger in my heart. God will never let me go. God is my only hope. I pray someday you learn that truth and begin to believe in it too. I pray for peace and happiness for you. Success in all you do. Seek Christ or else nothing will ever fall into place. I promise you that. Don't live an empty life. Out of all the wrongs there is still one way to make it right. Pray for me too that's the last thing I will ever ask of you. May God be with us both. In my opinion of all things in the game of chess a stalemate is not the worst.   
 

OUCH!!!

Have you ever ripped the bandages off of a fresh wound? Exposing the delicate, fragile wounded flesh beneath? Pain on top of pain. Is it physical or is it really just radiating from the brain? Have you ever gazed into your own reflection in a mirror and said to yourself, "I'm staring straight into the eyes of a stranger."? Have you ever fallen down so hard you felt the weight of the entire world bearing down on you? No hope of ever getting up. Some pain you never recover from. Even after the scabs dry up and fall off and the scars fade you can still feel the excruciating pain. Blood stains wash away but mental images remain and will never completely go away. Hook up a morphine drip directly to my sub-conscience. Dull the piercing pain long enough for me to feel normal again or at least to make me numb. The side effects from this accident are for life. The drugs aren't what I've become dependent on, they aren't what I'm addicted to, it's the pain. Sought out like a seeking missile. Nothing can ever just be straight. Every move I make is wrong. I have forgotten every lyric to every song. I've stepped on every bear trap on the ground. I've lost my equilibrium. I can't tell which way is up. I lost sight of the North star. I'm wandering around in the dark. It feels like being slammed into by a Mack truck. Way worse than any bad luck. If being stabbed is painful then I'd call this feeling being sliced in half. Guts spilling all over the floor. Left my leaking organs bleeding at the door, I'm tired of carrying the dead weight, what do I need them for? How much pain is too much? Can I handle anymore? If internal injuries are fatal I should've been dead and gone by now. Have you ever loved so hard it hurt? It's that welling up feeling in your throat. Have you ever cut yourself but instead of rushing to cover up you just paused and watched the blood seep out? The body is way more resilient than the mind. Have you ever put yourself in danger? Would you trust your life to a stranger? If you're sick, how do you become well? When you fall ill, how do you nurse yourself back to health? When you're all alone who do you ask for help? I'm dying right in front of my own eyes. Watching my soul drift up toward the clouds. Laying on the floor lifeless in silence listening to my spirit drown. Nothing but cold dead breath coming from my chest now. I guess I'll live in this dead purple skin once again. I feel nothing but pain. This has to be worse than death itself. To still be alive but know that life will never be the same again. Like a zombie fending for brains. I'm afraid I've killed whatever chance I had to be capable of love ever again. My heart won't beat. My blood stopped pumping. My life is over is what this feels like. I've accepted my fate; eternal pain. Never ending, mind numbing hurt. I can feel it welling up in my throat. The tears are all used up. The only dripping is from the sweat on the outside of my cup. I have officially given up. Y'all can have that Bitch called Love. She has diced me all the way up. Love is a trick. Happiness is a joke. Nothing is this World is pure anymore. Honesty is dead. No faith. No hope. No love. No yoke. The only real thing I recognize anymore is blunt force trauma to the heart. Hurt. Pain. Ouch.

Oh God, What have I done?

Oh God, What have I done? I turned my back on you and for what? Now the damage has been done. I'm just one; another faceless sinner on the run. Running from what? Love? I thought I was in love when in reality I based the biggest decision of my life on lust and now the fire has turned to dust. What a bust! God why did I choose to trust in someone other than you? Why would I leave your side? Man has always let me down and left me high and dry. There is nothing in this World for me but hate and jealousy. I can't even feel pain anymore. I'm more numb now than I ever was before. I've been here once, tried settling my own score and that lost me more than can be accounted for. I'm just alone now, nothing more, nothing less. I've been dangling from a limb since I came to this place. What did I think could ever compare to your glory? What did I believe could ever make me feel more complete? Could I have possibly believed that a man could really love me? I have forsaken you Oh Lord and for that I am suffering the ultimate consequence. I have lost myself in sin once again. I have not only lost my way but I have lost sight of what means the most to me in trusting another human being. I can't describe this feeling that has come over me, it's almost liberating. To realize I've messed up this bad isn't really all that bad more than it is just sad. The shame and embarassment is what will plague my mind. My life is a joke is how I feel about everything now. Only God cares enough about my soul for me to even still be alive. I have no idea what I am going to do now. I wish I could close my eyes and wake up somehow. God I'd give anything for this to all have been a bad dream. I know that's just wishful thinking. I'm sinking and I know you're the only way out of this muck. I'm a mess and you're the only one who will lift me up. I know you're still there God, I'm the one who is lost. Please Lord I 'm asking you to help me get back to your love. I should have never turned my back on you and run. I know I'm damaged but I also know healing can be done. I feel like I've lost when I know I've actually won. Out of billions and billions of people in the World I am blessed enough to know your son. I am strong enough to admit when I've done wrong. I have the courage to make things right. I am not fallen I am in mid-flight. If I am sad, you will turn my chin up. If I have tears running down my face you will dry them up. If I feel like it's me against the World, I know this isn't it for me, you have taught me how I can truly be freed. When he finally learns what he has lost, I will be gone. If he never sees what he had in me, he didn't deserve to ever find out. When he remembers how I loved him so, when others don't show him the same way, he will wish he would have had one more day. Love is a gift, one of a kind. It is the absolute hardest treasure to find. Unless you walk through life with God in your heart and on your mind you will lose every time. Love is not for the fake. Love is countered by hate. The two cannot co-exist. You either love or you've been faking it. Maybe what we shared was fake. Maybe what we shared was real. I will never know the way another truly feels. I will always know the way I feel. That's all I'll ever know. No man on this Earth is worth my tears. God owns all of my heart, it's not for sale and I'm through with just giving it out. My love is free but if you want it you can't just take it. You have to give me yours in exchange. Love is a gift. Once you can learn how to give, one day you will also receive. Until that time comes, you still have much more to see, more to learn. Life is a lesson and I pray you will continue to grow and learn. I have to press pause on it all for now. Maybe someday I'll try again but for now I'm out. I throw in the towel. I'm done. I'm over this. I have to get out. Leave town. Never look back. Relax. Move on. Sing a different tune. No more see you soon. I'm renewed. I have to get back to my faith. Jesus is the only way. Oh God, what have I done? Save me before my time is up.