Stalemate

He got fount out. Kinda like the last. Not that he cares. Not that I ever had a real chance. He'll never start to feel bad for what he did. None of them ever do. It's broken promises and empty apologies. I got played but he got played too. Oh, What a shame. Not that I didn't see it coming from 1000 miles away. This King was bound to stray to a different board. I trusted in it anyway. I pressed forward just like the pawn that I was in his territory and on his board. I never stood a chance against your squad. Some parts of me knew. At least you can recognize I displayed courage in my advances. Oh, the why's and the where's and the who's and the how's. Karma reared her ugly head. My game was doomed from the very first move. I should have never wrote that first letter then. "Angel Wings" my big round juicy ass! I set myself up for that. What was I thinking would come to pass? How did I see so much in such a foul excuse for a man? It was bad timing on both our parts. I wish I could have left the story alone instead of trying to pick up where we left off. If I would have just left them alone when the opportunity arose, only God knows the possibilities or where I'd be. I should have let my heart heal the first time around. Now I have to re-position my pieces again and try another tactic. Reconfigure my entire game. God is shaking his head at me but I can see when and where I became distracted. I own my mistakes. I learned a very valuable lesson but it doesn't lessen the stinging of the pain. Someday I'll be ok. Someday I'll walk looking up again. I have to figure out a way to move past this mistake and make things appear like I'm happy I made it out safe. Some part of me was taken and stayed with them. When you lose so much of yourself to the likes of someone else there is no recovering it all. You have to know when to cut your losses. The best thing being to never look back, learn from the mistake. You have to come up with a new game plan. I know now I can't take one more breath or make one more step without God's protection. God does not deserve the background. I thought I could live without God in my life and it killed me twice. God has always been the answer to my prayer and hopes for a good life all this time. I know I don't have nine lives and I'm not willing to test that notion again. I know God is the only way for a minnow like me to survive in the ocean. I knew better before I ever left God's side to try my luck at love with a man of the flesh without his blessing but I went through with it anyway. I know now that's why it failed. It is impossible for God to lead the way when you're constantly straying from the path he has laid. I will never trust myself again. I'm lost without God's movement. There can only be one King in life. I dug my own grave. I dove right into this pain. A man will let you down every time. A man will learn how to cloud your judgement and control your moves. Soon he gets bored with playing fair and will play darts with your heart as the target. You can not put any of your weight on a man because the moment he moves your whole world comes crashing down. God will support you if you trust him to. God will move too but he will warn you. God will test your faith but so will Satan. You have to be strong in your faith to know the difference. We battle with the flesh daily. I allowed for this man to become my main focus. I lost everything I accomplished because of making the wrong moves and taking the wrong risks. I've lost an investment I can never get back again. I gambled my life on a man of flesh. If in fact life is a game of chess then let's just call this one a stalemate. You can't tell me he didn't lose something valuable too. You can't convince me that I'm the only one in pain. We both waited in vain. There were better ways to not end up this way, far apart, missing out on what could have been ours, what we both waited for. I guess we'll never know what we lost. It ended before it could even start. What do you do when the love of your life steps out? What can you say? Will you have enough courage to love another in the same way? What things will you change as to not make the mistakes again? How will the next time be any different? I would've let you win again and again but you chose to play dirty. You cheated. I would've done anything for you. I thought you could see that. I thought I'd be the best thing to ever happen to you. I thought you loved me as much as I loved you. I thought we'd be together always like a King and a Queen should. You ruined the purity of what we started off with and couldn't resist the temptation of the flesh and it cost us both the game. I'll never understand how easy it is for a man to give himself away, lie and look into the eyes of the one he claims is the only one he's giving his love to all the while knowing the pain he can cause if the truth ever slips out. You hurt me more than any words can ever say. In your head I deserved what you did. That's ok. You'll never see me as the real queen I am anyway. Only God knows my true value. Maybe someday he'll show a man of God who I truly am and how to treasure my pure heart and open up an opportunity for love to be. A true unconditional love to flourish from within me. Someone in this world will recognize the love that's leftover in my heart and it will be just enough to spark a light inside of my soul that will call my spirit home and let me learn how to love again. For now I will put all my trust in God. He will be my light, my guide, my home. He will heal my pain. He will help me to walk again. God will never cheat on me. God will never lie. God will never raise his fist in anger and let it fly. God will never put me down and make me feel ugly or weak. God will not punish me for the wrongs I've done to him. God will forgive. God won't let me fall asleep with tears in my eyes or anger in my heart. God will never let me go. God is my only hope. I pray someday you learn that truth and begin to believe in it too. I pray for peace and happiness for you. Success in all you do. Seek Christ or else nothing will ever fall into place. I promise you that. Don't live an empty life. Out of all the wrongs there is still one way to make it right. Pray for me too that's the last thing I will ever ask of you. May God be with us both. In my opinion of all things in the game of chess a stalemate is not the worst.