One of them days

If only this life wasn't so damn lonely.
If only.
If only this sadness wasn't so prevalent.
If only.
If only this heart of mine was a loaner, not my all the time ride.
If only.
If only this depression wasn't so familiar to me.
If only.
If only he hadn't been such a liar.
If only.
If only I could be given a do over.
If only.
If only at least one of them ever loved me.
If only.
If only I were still his, maybe we wouldn't have to feel like this.
If only.
If only this World weren't so full of hate.
If only.
If only this page could make a difference.
If only.
If only this song playin' wasn't so damn reminiscent.
If only.
If only this nightmare would end.
If only.
If only time were on my side.
If only.
If only money wasn't so damn hard to come by.
If only.
If only my tears counted for something.
If only.
If only I had the power to free all my homies.
If only.
If only this life wasn't so damn lonely maybe I wouldn't feel the need to write poems like these. 

Update 2016

Ok. I tried to wait. I really did but this can't wait even one more minute. 2016 has been a total wreck and it hasn't even ended. As if I wasn't awready still broken from 2015's atom bomb of an ending. I'm still picking up pieces from that radioactive blast. Some are still missing. But that's neither here nor there. What we will focus on here is the now. I'm trapped in this new existence that I didn't single handedly create for myself but somehow it's become my reality. So. I have embraced it emphatically. I'm currently unemployed. Big news, dont worry, a better job is coming soon. My cubs are out exploring and I've been forced to leave them behind for food. They're safe is what I keep telling myself. Not by the hand that is currently feeding them. Jesus is the one I trust. He will do his best to keep them safe for me. I have been called into active duty. No I've not joined the military, if only my life were that easy. I am however at war. Though I've lost the last few battles, I now have a better tactic. A better job is on my agenda, that's number one. A place of my own is number two. Nothing is standing in between me and my goals. Time is on my side. I have my sights set pretty high. God in the meantime is witness to this all. He is watching every shortcoming and cushioning every one of my falls. My book is lucky number 3. Do I sound as though I've got my Jumble in order? I feel relieved. Stress free. Time is of the essence for me. God is continually blessing me. I'm making my way back to happy. A new friend is number 4. Kids are five. That's no surprise. Story of my life. Mark my words, and you all have before, I always get my way and I always get what I want. It's been 5 years since I started this blog. You all should know me by now. I've come very far. I've been through a whole lot. I'm still the same ol me the only difference now is I know I'm a queen of God. He has great plans for me. It's all in the works. Even if I find myself sitting back in the dirt. Flowers don't sprout up from nothing. A beautiful yellow rose is what I'll be. Watch me. I'm always chasing dreams. I conquer my fears. I achieve my goals. I never back down. I'll never surrender my crown or leave my throne. I'll never give in. Y'all should know by now. I always win. Everything is as it should be in the end and I don't need anyone's approval to make it happen. Life is what we make of it. God listens. I've not been defeated. Maybe temporarily beaten. But just like the toughest of warriors does, I've gotten back up. Time and time again I've proven my strength. I couldn't tell any of you why you'd think this time would be any different. Now that I have your attention. I'll disappear back into the thicket. I am after all on my greatest of missions. The countdown is just beginning. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Trust me, you won't want to miss this. America, we're back in business!! Xoxo from the one and only Lindsey. Aka Ms. TxMolasses your Txpiece of pecan pie made with dark brown sugar so you'd better get you a slice before it's all finished. White flags off in the distance. Surrender.