Happy Endings

You were never supposed to have been a conquest. I hope you know that. This is not the impression I ever would've wanted to leave on you. I fear you see me as a mistake and that is the most painful part. I can live without you just as you can live without me but knowing that you regret me is unbearable. None of it was real for you. Was it? They were just lyrics in a song. I knew you'd go back. It was just a matter of time. Didn't take very long at all. Love conquers all. Except now I have to live in this deliberate nightmare without you. It feels like I was the conquest. You conquered and I lost. I told you I would lose you before you would lose me. Those very words have a particular sting. I am the only one to blame. I could never hate you, I only hate me. I'm a disgusting excuse for a human being. Tragic really. I knew I was entering treacherous territory. I was forewarned but I proceeded anyway. I knew the stakes but I dug in deep my fangs. Perhaps too deep because now I am sinking. Thinking that you played me. Thinking all kinds of terrible things. Feeling like you needed a reason to make things better. Now you've made vows not to do it again. I'm glad I could be the reason you realized it. I was not built with brakes. I couldn't just say no. I let it go. I let you in. I was happier admiring you from afar because now I have to live with knowing how amazing you are. The truth is it went too far the 1st night. You and I both know that. My biggest fear realized. I knew where your loyalty would lay. I believe I said it to you a couple of times. Don't feel bad for me. I don't want your pity. This isn't the 1st time I've been used and wrung out like a wet cloth. Put on a line to dry, blown away with the wind. Inevitably forgotten. Faded to black. Jaded until I decide to come back again. To be hurt all over again. Seems like all I seek these days is pain. I guess I'll never know what it feels like to be on the other side of the fence. Was I supposed to put up a fight? Weren't you? It was so easy for you to come clean and piss on the fire til it was out. Now you're just another ghost that will haunt me in the night. Another needle full of pain. She's the plug and I was just the drain. Honestly I'm glad the truth wins. It's one of the qualities I favor of yours. So open and honest, even in your errors. So I won't even go on to pretend to want to make this change. Wishing we would've done things different. Stayed neutral. Friends. Now you're gone. Except you're not. You're still there. You always will be. I'm the one with no name, no face, no place in your heart, your mind, your life. All I have left are the songs, the smiles, dried up petals in a file. I guess I never learn from my mistakes. You're no different from the rest. You just fucked me, fucked up my head and left me for dead. I'm a tarnished little top. Only good for one thing. I told you I was broken but you took me for a spin anyway. I hope you two will be happy in the end. Enjoy your time trying to make it right while I put the pieces of my solitude back together, again. Knowing me, it won't be the last time. I always get what I want no matter how long it lasts. And they lived happily ever after, after her.