Downtime

I can't concentrate on anything long enough to get you off of my mind. I should probably stop reminiscing in my downtime because it's definitely not helping. This is fkn crazy dude. I have never been this caught up on anyone like this but you. I feel empty inside. I am a hollow shell. I am existing in my own version of a living hell. When will it all go away? Why won't it stop? I don't want to care so fkn much. Not anymore. I'm tired of living with one foot in and one foot out the door. The time to move on is way over due. It's been over 6 months and I'm still fkn stuck. What in the actual Fk? I don't care to write one more word about how you fuckt me up. I am much stronger than this. I have been through way worse than you. You were never even mine. You gave me just a sliver of your beautiful mind. A nanosecond of your precious time. Paid me a penny's worth of your undivided attention. You still haven't given me your definition of what special means to you. The pain still rings true and reverberates through me like the echo of a bell. I've come to find that it is easier for me to stay away from you. Seeing your face and hearing your voice just hurts. I can't take anymore. I couldn't remove you from the equation so I erased myself instead. If I ever had the chance to ask you how it feels to know that I finally put it to rest I don't expect I'd want to know what you'd have to say. I feel like if you ever had the chance to see or speak to me you would just play with my feelings. My truth remains the same that I was never important to you, what we shared meant nothing, and it was easy for you to walk away. You still don't give any resemblance of any fks given that you irrevocably fuckt me up. It's just the way things ended up. I have to learn to live with it. You should be happy to know I have given up. I accept where fate placed me in your life and realize that I was nothing more than a fk up in your eyes. I will forever be remembered now as a mistake that made you reevaluate your life and want to change for the better and live a good life. I can only pray that it's working out for you now. I don't even care to know if I ever cross your mind. Our memories have faded to black like the darkness you left in my heart. I don't want to remember you now or ever. I don't want to know anything about you or your life. I don't care if we ever again meet eyes. I can't even say for certain if I'd even offer you my hand or give you a hug. Now I see that you are just another mistake that made me reevaluate my life, make changes and live a much better life. You, you're just as stuck in your own version of a living hell. The difference between you and I is that there is still hope for me to be happy. I'm still hurting and probably always will but I'll be fine. I'll find closure someday in my downtime.    

Not at all

Do you mind that I've lost my mind over time? My sanity sank deep beneath the thick quicksand under my feet. I have died along with any resemblance of our friendship. I simply no longer exist in the realm of your senses. You are but a figment of an imprint on the glass shards of my shattered heart. Countless memories skate seamlessly together with the melodies over my ear drums and inside the caverns of my head. I can't forget, I'm trying to forgive, I want to start all over again or finally come to the end of this story we began. If this is what it feels like to lose you then it makes me wonder what invigorated my life before your great surprise. I'm grateful for the constant pain though because it reminds me that I'm still alive, that I survived the worst of my fate and now I can prepare for the best if it's not too late. Our time together was a test we both failed and when we fell you got up and moved on and I turned into mist and disappeared into the atmosphere with the rising sun. Do you ever feel my presence weighing on your heart? Do flashes of my face haunt you in your dreams? Does my voice interfere with your daily reverie? When you close your eyes can you still see mine? Luke warm tears prick the backs of my eyelids when I think of how much I miss the interaction between us. The comfort of being engulfed in your strong arms, the feeling of your warm chest pressed up against my back, and listening to your steady breath as we peacefully slumbered in the creeping light of the dawn. Your presence created ripples on the surface of my lake of doubt and you poured down cool rain drops onto my joy drought. The blossom of passion and level of comfort that erupted among us was too much, much too quickly and we both drowned in one another and burst the damn that was supposed to keep us apart and my hopes got flooded all the way up to the stars. You took me so high I landed on Mars while you floated back down to Earth without me and never looked back but you didn't think I'd dive into your gravity and get stuck in the vortex you left behind. You pull me in like the funnel of an F5 without any warning and I can't escape my brush with death swept up in your magnificent inexplicable wind tunnel of pure bliss. As quickly as you draw me in you're tossing me back out into the cold, lonely night sky like damaged debris that's good for nothing. I'm rotted from the inside out and there is no use in attempting to rebuild now. You're gone with the setting sun, somewhere far where the horizon meets the ground. I am wandering alone trying to find a place to call home so I can settle down and stop this maniacal hunt that will never result in what either of us wants. As long your feet trace the dirt of the Earth and there is breath in your lungs and beating beneath your impeccable pecs, I will love every hair on your perfectly imperfect head and every millimeter of your delectably pristine skin. I can let go of the physical you because it's what you need me to do but if you want my truth I can't ignore the emotions you've aroused within my soul because they are tethered to your core. So until you stop feeling whatever it is you feel that you attempt so well to hide beneath the surface with your beguiling grin and enchanting eyes, I will be irrevocably stuck in this tailspin. Stuck like a piece of chewed up bubble gum to the bottom of your size 10. Content just to be part of you no matter how minuscule. Call me crazy, it's just me and my jumbled head and if you ever ask me if I need you still I'll lie and say, "No, not at all." When I fell for you I never landed. Instead I am stranded on a sand dune in between leaving and loving you.