Downtime

I can't concentrate on anything long enough to get you off of my mind. I should probably stop reminiscing in my downtime because it's definitely not helping. This is fkn crazy dude. I have never been this caught up on anyone like this but you. I feel empty inside. I am a hollow shell. I am existing in my own version of a living hell. When will it all go away? Why won't it stop? I don't want to care so fkn much. Not anymore. I'm tired of living with one foot in and one foot out the door. The time to move on is way over due. It's been over 6 months and I'm still fkn stuck. What in the actual Fk? I don't care to write one more word about how you fuckt me up. I am much stronger than this. I have been through way worse than you. You were never even mine. You gave me just a sliver of your beautiful mind. A nanosecond of your precious time. Paid me a penny's worth of your undivided attention. You still haven't given me your definition of what special means to you. The pain still rings true and reverberates through me like the echo of a bell. I've come to find that it is easier for me to stay away from you. Seeing your face and hearing your voice just hurts. I can't take anymore. I couldn't remove you from the equation so I erased myself instead. If I ever had the chance to ask you how it feels to know that I finally put it to rest I don't expect I'd want to know what you'd have to say. I feel like if you ever had the chance to see or speak to me you would just play with my feelings. My truth remains the same that I was never important to you, what we shared meant nothing, and it was easy for you to walk away. You still don't give any resemblance of any fks given that you irrevocably fuckt me up. It's just the way things ended up. I have to learn to live with it. You should be happy to know I have given up. I accept where fate placed me in your life and realize that I was nothing more than a fk up in your eyes. I will forever be remembered now as a mistake that made you reevaluate your life and want to change for the better and live a good life. I can only pray that it's working out for you now. I don't even care to know if I ever cross your mind. Our memories have faded to black like the darkness you left in my heart. I don't want to remember you now or ever. I don't want to know anything about you or your life. I don't care if we ever again meet eyes. I can't even say for certain if I'd even offer you my hand or give you a hug. Now I see that you are just another mistake that made me reevaluate my life, make changes and live a much better life. You, you're just as stuck in your own version of a living hell. The difference between you and I is that there is still hope for me to be happy. I'm still hurting and probably always will but I'll be fine. I'll find closure someday in my downtime.