Reflection

 

I've picked up and put down my phone at least a thousand times since the start of all of this. It's so easy for our words and actions to contradict our real feelings. You can say one thing but your eyes will tell me different. When it comes to you and I, we can talk a thousand times and still feel like things were still left unsaid. I suppose I'm waiting for a missed call or text that you won't ever make or send. One saying you love me and can't live without me, and that I'm your soulmate, and we'll be together forever no matter what happens. Some days I wish you would just throw all of your inhibitions to the wind, drop everything you've ever known to come explore and roam the unknown with me. Instead, I guess I need to stop living in that fantasy. I'm always looking for a new place to call home, finding myself lost, roaming alone. Just when I think I have stumbled upon what I'm looking for, I get shown the door. I know I don't belong in your life nor you in mine. I know I can't stay in your heart nor let you stay in mine. I know you could never give me what I want or need just the same as I'll never replace your family. I know I can't be the one to quench your thirst every time you need a drink and I can't depend on you when I need to breathe. The only word to describe you and me is, tragedy. It's a tragic story where our reality supersedes our wants and needs. Wrongs and rights make absolutely no sense when you and I agree but no one else is allowed to see. I am so fucking tired of hiding what's important to me. I hate not being able to tell you what I want to say because I'm afraid of what will or won't happen next. We're holding back and it's not fair for you or me. Why would you ever say you think you love me? Did you not think about how that might change things? Sometimes things are better left unsaid. You should've never let that thought out of the confines of your own head. It's one thing for me to fall in love with someone I know I can't have but it's another to be told he loves me back. Don't you see that nothing will ever come of this? I may as well be as good as dead to you and I don't hold enough weight in your life to change that fact. The damage has been done. You have my poison coursing through your blood. This isn't an easy situation to be undone but we can't exactly just go back to how things were before. I think it's selfish of you to say you need me in your life too. I have no purpose in your life. Why express your true feelings to me when in the grand scheme of things, they mean nothing. You're never going to leave your life behind and I'll never be good enough to make the cut. I can't sort through all of the emotions I've been running through, the pressure is too much. I'm not an idiot and neither are you. You can say whatever you feel like you need to but I'll always know the truth. We're both lying to each other, to ourselves. There is no us. Keep telling yourself that what we both want is not even a possibility. Maybe lying to yourself will make things easy. Whenever you wake up and look at your reflection in the mirror every morning, when you feel your heart pulling, when you want to see me, hear me, love me, touch me, be with me but you know you can't. I want you to know that I'm feeling exactly the same. What a tragic end to something that never even began. 

Pluto is too far anyway

I've been gone for so long now I don't know how to find my way back. Regrets don't always stay in the past. They say to learn from your mistakes and not make the same ones twice. I've learned from mine alright but I always pay a hefty fine. I've heard that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but this is not what I was taught. I've been desperately trying to find my way but it seems my way is lost. I took a wrong turn back there somewhere because I was distracted by his eyes. It only took a second before we met our demise. It all happened so fast, in the blinking of an eye, we spiraled out of control and died. Now the lives we knew we had are dead and gone. The next question I have is how to move on? I know I can't stay but the thought of leaving makes me ache. I'm already in love with you and I know it will prove to be troublesome for us all. Now I don't what to do. I'm stuck between me and you. Either way one of us will be hurt. I'm putting my money on me. So I reached out to the one person who I thought might be able to help. I was deeply in love with him once upon a time and he's been collecting dust on a shelf. He was once all I ever wanted, he was all I could think about. Though our time was short, I never lost hope for something more. It's been almost a year since I've seen him last. We went out last night and I thought I'd be fine. I knew going in that I still care deeply for him. As the night grew from young to old, I realized that the spark has long since gone out. But then again, there is still that glimmer of hope. I know the more time we spend together will positively stoke the fire. I figure I was hoping he could make me feel what I used to feel so I could stop focusing so  much on you and start focusing on someone else. That didn't go over so well. Now I see I have to distance myself. He's a welcome distraction but I'm already losing traction on this slippery slope. How do I keep myself from loving you? How do I stay away? How the fuck am I supposed to convince myself that I'm ok? I guess my only option now is to play my part and play it well. I have to say goodbye to you because this won't end well. You know it and so do I. I have no real chance to be in your life and I see that now. We will just have to come up with creative ways to keep each other out. I'm really good at ruining things and sucking life from what is good. Nothing in my head or heart will ever be understood. Stay away from me, I'm begging you. I know it's gonna suck but it's the right thing to do. I guess I just wish I could take it all back because I'm not strong enough to push you out yet. My one and only defense is to be mean and ugly to you. I don't want that to be true. I wish there was another way out of this fate. But the truth is, I will never be yours and you will never be mine. It's the same fucking situation I find myself in every time. This is what I get for not being careful with my own heart. It's not your fault. Don't beat yourself up. Just keep your distance and we should be fine. I'm nowhere near ok right now but I will be. I just need some time and more late nights with my unicorn. Should we ever change our minds though, I'll be busy drawing up a map to Pluto. We can meet there and live happily ever after. Just say the word and we can leave this world behind. I'd give anything to live the rest of my life in those blue eyes.