Reflection

 

I've picked up and put down my phone at least a thousand times since the start of all of this. It's so easy for our words and actions to contradict our real feelings. You can say one thing but your eyes will tell me different. When it comes to you and I, we can talk a thousand times and still feel like things were still left unsaid. I suppose I'm waiting for a missed call or text that you won't ever make or send. One saying you love me and can't live without me, and that I'm your soulmate, and we'll be together forever no matter what happens. Some days I wish you would just throw all of your inhibitions to the wind, drop everything you've ever known to come explore and roam the unknown with me. Instead, I guess I need to stop living in that fantasy. I'm always looking for a new place to call home, finding myself lost, roaming alone. Just when I think I have stumbled upon what I'm looking for, I get shown the door. I know I don't belong in your life nor you in mine. I know I can't stay in your heart nor let you stay in mine. I know you could never give me what I want or need just the same as I'll never replace your family. I know I can't be the one to quench your thirst every time you need a drink and I can't depend on you when I need to breathe. The only word to describe you and me is, tragedy. It's a tragic story where our reality supersedes our wants and needs. Wrongs and rights make absolutely no sense when you and I agree but no one else is allowed to see. I am so fucking tired of hiding what's important to me. I hate not being able to tell you what I want to say because I'm afraid of what will or won't happen next. We're holding back and it's not fair for you or me. Why would you ever say you think you love me? Did you not think about how that might change things? Sometimes things are better left unsaid. You should've never let that thought out of the confines of your own head. It's one thing for me to fall in love with someone I know I can't have but it's another to be told he loves me back. Don't you see that nothing will ever come of this? I may as well be as good as dead to you and I don't hold enough weight in your life to change that fact. The damage has been done. You have my poison coursing through your blood. This isn't an easy situation to be undone but we can't exactly just go back to how things were before. I think it's selfish of you to say you need me in your life too. I have no purpose in your life. Why express your true feelings to me when in the grand scheme of things, they mean nothing. You're never going to leave your life behind and I'll never be good enough to make the cut. I can't sort through all of the emotions I've been running through, the pressure is too much. I'm not an idiot and neither are you. You can say whatever you feel like you need to but I'll always know the truth. We're both lying to each other, to ourselves. There is no us. Keep telling yourself that what we both want is not even a possibility. Maybe lying to yourself will make things easy. Whenever you wake up and look at your reflection in the mirror every morning, when you feel your heart pulling, when you want to see me, hear me, love me, touch me, be with me but you know you can't. I want you to know that I'm feeling exactly the same. What a tragic end to something that never even began.