Begging for more 6/28/24 & mostly 9/5/24 journal entry

There are times when life is a blur. Memories get slurred. Sitting in the embers of an unrecognizable life, seeing the very pieces of who I used to be float off into the sky. Still her. There are traces everywhere. She still has the black cat. She's outside under the Texas sky with a pen and a pad in hand. Her Js are muddy and cruddy but they're still sitting on the stairs beside her. She's listening to Portisehead watching the clouds roll by. There are hummingbirds singing next door and she remembers a simpler time. The years stack like sand. How many moments will we never remember? So much space and time have passed. It's all just the past. Nothing lasts. There is no right direction. There is no straight path. Every road eventually runs into another, then another, and they are all the same. There is not up, there is not down. No beginning. No end. It's all just space and time. They've lied. The days we count - the calendars and clocks are a mock. Yes, Satan - My 3rd eye is wide open. There is no stopping Jesus, now! We are in for a show. Just have to continue existing until then. I keep waiting for more, but this is all it will ever be. I wish to be obedient. I know the power of this pen. The words I speak can bring life or death. I asked for my calling. Maybe this is it. I'm going to start being honest in the open. Who will stop me? I'm stronger than I know. I never give myself credit. Why can't I believe in me? Why can't I see what they see? I have got to stop denying me. I have to embrace who I am and what I believe. I love Jesus. That's it. Turn a new leaf?? More like, Turn a new life! It's the turning point (RIP CK). Living in sin is like dying of cancer. It consumes you to death. The darkness will swallow your light, and you will die inside. Jesus, resurrect me?! Please!? I don't want to be dead while I'm still alive. Writing is all I've known. Writing is what I believe I'm good at. Writing knows me. It sees every part of my being. It's never judged. It's never shunned. It has never made me feel unwanted. I can be honest. I can always trust writing will be here. It never leaves me or abandons me anywhere. My powerful friend. Where to next?