Harmful Hands

The emotions were so raw that I began to saw through the surface at the seam careful not to tear the fragile tissue and began to bleed out the poison relieving the pain with more pain. Tears are numbing like anesthesia rolling down my cheeks, burning permanent trails on my pale face. I can't erase the things I've done to have brought myself here but also can't escape from this place long enough to bring the color back to my cheeks. I'm weak, not happy to admit it but I can't shake this strife like a parasite feasting on my brain. So I look to the sky for guidance to find the sun burns my eyelids and singes my retinas til I'm blinded. Now I'm blind, I'm deaf, I'm bleeding like I've been stabbed in the chest, I'm broken from the hurting I put myself through, battered and bruised, lame and in pain from the pads of my fingertips to the core of my soul strings. So he thinks it funny to play me like a guitar so I tap my foot to the beat until he beats me like a drum so I whistle along with the melody so he sings me like a song and I hum to the chorus until he thinks my music is boring. Now he'll choke me to death until the fresh breath of my last living breath is dead in my death. Don't cry for me now, I already did. I confessed to my saviour all of my sins. He asked me again now what was my problem and all I said was I'm sorry I could not solve them. I'm sorry for taking that knife to my own selfish skin and cutting in deep enough to release me from my sins from the gaping wound I gave to myself because I thought I could nurse my self back to health and wasn't aware of the damage I caused and didn't realize that I was all out of guaze. I never meant to hurt you or anyone else but was only trying to hurt myself because the pain I felt was too hard to bear so instead of asking for help I took care of it myself. Now I'm dead, I've passed on but don't mourn me just yet because I arrived at a gorgeous gate. My keeper asked me why I was there because he didn't feel it was my time and my reply was hazy and I thought I was going crazy because I didn't think I would have ended up here but he reassured me that the knife I held so firmly in my grip was not the cause to my tragic end. I tried hard to back track back to my life, alive and couldn't recall my last moments on Earth until he took my chin upturned and stared deep into my tearfilled eyes until I felt the chills rise on my cold skin and he said to me then. All broken women fall and even though you tried to bypass this all, where you weren't welcome there you are eternally welcome here and I will never allow you to feel that pain or fear. I am your friend. I am your father. I will love you in my eternity for you are my daughter.

Happy Mother's Day! 2011

Happy Mother's day 2011 to me and all the beautiful magical mothers I know. God is with us always even when we don't believe it. There is no way anyone could ever understand the love that he has for all of us as his own children. Thank you God for the beautiful life you have given me, for my children, for all of my family and friends. Thank you to Xlibris publishing company for the great opportunity they have offered me and thank you for bringing back my spark. I love to write and no matter where it takes me career wise will never deny my passion and will continue to pick up that pen and paper.

Getting Published!

So I spoke to Xlibris yesterday which is the self-publishing company that will be assisting me on my journey. The package I chose is kind of pricey but I know will be worth every penny. Dreams are priceless and this is definitely a long time dream of mine that is finally manifesting itself into a reality. I am so super ecstatic it's almost scary. : }And in just a few short months I'll be an actual author and not just some freelance writer. The process begins in a few weeks. I'll continue to post updates. I can't wait for all of this to come true. Dad I know you're witnessing all of this. I hope I am making you proud. Mom is on cloud 9. :-) I love my life and am eternally grateful to God for all of these wonderful opportunities that he has put in front of me. Thank you Lord! Thank you Mom and Dad. Thank you to my babies for the never ending inspiration and for not letting me give up on my dreams. Thanks to all of my friends and family. Let's do it!!

Worth the risk?

It was your choice from the beginning and you never had to look back, we were already on separate paths. It was her, then me, then her, then me and whoever else you wanted to see in between. 1, 2, 3, 4, and now 5 and only the good Lord knows how many more of your seeds were spread? What could possibly have ever changed that never did, still hasn't and never will? If selfishness were seeds you would have been buried six feet deep and have already been sprouting trees. If selfish was a disease, you'd have been dead for years and we all would have shed our countless tears. But you're not dead, you're still very much here and it is still numbingly clear that selfish is your life and determines your own path. I'm not in your line of sight but instead lost in the past, locked away with all of your inner thoughts. I'm officially a chapter in one your books that has been overlooked and shook from the pages of your most gorgeous memories. I hate that you chose this road because my worn mind still wants to believe that this wasn't a feeble attempt and that hope still lives. It is tragic that after all these years you still can't seem to figure out what makes me tick. I have learned to live in your routine but was finally breaking free and creating my own routine but you couldn't just let me be. Now I'm on my five, looking up at the sky, preparing for my climb once again back to the top of my life. You knocked me down, brought me frowns, took my crown and left me to drown one time too many now and forgot to consider what a tremendous swimmer I am. Now I'm out of the water and back on dry land and unlike you am ready to build a foundation on sturdy land. My plan has been planned and if you would have only played your hand could have been part of it but instead have chosen to pull yourself out to be with friends, alone in a sense. I guess that is what makes you tick, not having me by your side is a cinch. I just hope and pray it was worth the risk.

My Daddy

Daddy I'm hurting. I need you here instead of in heaven. My heart is breaking and you have the super glue. My tears are all over the floor and you have the mop. The answers to my questions are in the book on the top shelf and you are my stool. I can't see from all the fog and you are my headlights in the dead of the night. I'm scared, afraid of the darkness, terrified to reach out in front of me and you are the light switch I cannot find. You have all of the answers to my problems locked behind your beautiful blue eyes and the key is in heaven. What do I have to do to die and go to heaven, retrieve the key to my problems and return home safe again? How can a boulder be swept away so effortlessly by the ocean? How can a brick house be blown down by nothing more than the wind and rain? How can a helpless child be stripped of a parent? This world is so hard and full of evil. How is any one person supposed to survive the turmoil that is inevitable from this life? I sit here sobbing to myself asking you Lord of all the dirty, nasty, undeserving, evil people in this world could you, would you take my daddy away from me? This pain in my heart isn't replaceable, erasable, mendable, situational nor circumstantial. It is real, concrete. I am suffering through this pain that up to my knowledge will never subside, hasn't died in the slightest, is permanent. So what now God? How many prayers will I have uttered and how many people will I have assisted and watched succeed before my name is called? I am sick of being everyone's door holder. I'm tired. I'm weak, ready to fall. Out of pure selfishness and hate for what your beautiful creation has become I ask you to take me Lord. Take me away from this pain and reunite me with my rock. Not a single soul walking among us can help me now and I am terrified that I can no longer hold myself up. I need the super glue you use in heaven to mend the broken pieces of my heart. I need the mop you keep in heaven's closet to clean the mess my tears have made on the floor. I need my stool that now sits in heaven's library so I can begin to reach the top shelf again. I need my headlights so I don't crash from the fog in the middle of the night. I need to find the light switch so I can come out of the dark and release my fears. I need the key. I need support and strength from the boulder you swept into the relentless ocean. I am searching for sturdier supports so my house is not blown away by just the wind and rain. I need my daddy. Please Lord give him back? Daddy, please find me, I am lost.