Snake Eyes

Woke up in tears this morning. 
I couldn't even get out of bed. 
The dreams are horrific.
I just laid there and wept.
I swear every day is different.
I promise myself I'm ok.
I'm moving forward.
Then the next thing you know thoughts are creeping in. 
I can't get you out of my head or from under my skin?
You're there when I wake and when I go to bed.
You're in the songs I can't get out of my head.
I can't go one day yet.
Without thinking about it. 
I feel so pathetic for feeling this way.
I just keep going over things.
I catch myself wondering what you're doing?
Having time to reflect is crippling my movement.
Tears well when I picture your face.
I think about all kinds of things.
From the ramp up to those last few days.
Things I might have done different.
Words I could've said in another way. 
Now it's dead air what we share.
After everything and I'm just here. 
I can't make up my mind.
Whether or not I was right. 
I'm so sick. I'm crushed. I'm stunned.
You did everything to me you sought to do.
I hope you're proud of yourself for going through with what you did.
I hope it makes you feel like a better person for hurting me.
You hurt me worse than anyone I've ever known.
I keep thinking about all I put up with for you.
Everything you put me through.
How I went through hell for you.
I didn't even get any quality time.
It was never just you and I.
I just keep telling myself it's alright. 
Better luck next time.
The question now is how do I get you out of my head?
How do I get a good night's sleep?
Put it all to rest?
What is the trick to wake up not wanting to hear from you? 
Do I pretend that you're not important?
How did you just turn it off? 
Some days I think you were pretending the whole time. 
I was never important to you. Was I?
I was never anyone in your life.
You rolled my life like a pair of dice. 
Snake eyes.

December

He knew something was up. The phone was turned off, he couldn't make his call. I'll never forget how he glared at me. He fixed his things getting ready to leave for work that morning. December 23rd we stood there in the doorway. I looked up into his brown eyes for the last time. In my mind I was saying my goodbyes but I couldn't leave on bad terms. I kissed his soft lips, kissed them again then let go of his hand and said, "see you later". He got in the truck. I watched as he pulled out of the driveway, felt the first tear drop fall away. It all came flooding to the surface. All the reasons why I was leaving. The cheating. The deceiving. The total betrayal. You didn't hit my jaw, you hit my heart and I knew it was time to go. I wish those last two weeks were how things would've been from the beginning. A ring. It confused me how amazing he was treating me after everything. How could things go from good to bad so quick? How could they end like this? I could feel his eyes trace my face. His big strong hands wrapped completely around my waist. I remember the smell of his kiss on my small lips. The sound of his voice beneath my face as I lay on his naked chest. It's the little noises and his way of speaking. Watching his face wake up from his dreaming. His warm embrace in the cold air of the mornings. Listening to him singing. Friday nights. His real smile. Watching him shave. His name. Him. Never saw him again. He moved on to bigger and better things. No one ever heard from her again.   

I'm so sad today

I'm so sad today.
I'm trying to distract myself but this feeling won't go away.
I wish my brain and heart would stop arguing.
My eyes are puffy and swollen.
My head is a whirlwind.
I can't find a way to take this pain out my chest.
Why did things have to be this way? 
How is he just fine?
When each passing minute all I want to do is cry. 
I've been commended for leaving.
Everyone told me it was right.
So why every time I open my eyes does it feel like I'm going to die? 
I'm torn up inside.
No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I'm alright...
I'm not alright. 
I'm far from fine.
Stop saying it's going to get better with time.
I have to get all this out of my heart and my mind. 
Thank God for this.. Writing. 
I have no one to talk to.
That's not true. 
I just don't care to. 
My attitude is all out of Whack!
There is no getting me back.
That poor heartbroken girl is done. 
It's a wrap.
She will never resurface again.
The person writing all this out isn't familiar.
I don't know who I am anymore.
Or what I want. 
I was handed everything I asked for and just walked out the door. 
I've lost. 
Plain and simple. 
Maybe I'll go back to being silly and simple. 
Maybe that girl has been me this whole time.
A "Silly Simple Bitch" trying to shine!
While everyone was busy getting theirs, I was busy losing mine. 
I don't know why I even tried to be with that guy.
What in the galaxy was I thinking? 
Now I'm so sad I can't think straight. 
I suppose some believe all wounds heal with time. 
I know the wounds never heal, time doesn't heal a thing!
The trick is to learn how to live with the pain.
Trust is the hardest to achieve. 
If there is no trust, you can't learn to love and you will never be able to endure what's to come. 
I won't survive another fall.
My heart will turn cold and fall apart.
Crumble into little pieces. 
What you see on the outside is just a disguise covering up all the pain I will hide.
The reality is I'm hurt.
I'm crushed.
It's going to take me forever to clean all of this up.
Stop saying it'll get better.
I'll never get over this.
Forget about everything I did. 
All the time, wasted.
All those tears I cried.
All those years I was there.
Now you're no longer in my atmosphere. 
Nothing will ever compare or come close to how bad this feels.
I can't focus on anything else.
I can't wait until it's time to go back to sleep.
I'm so sad today.
I want to fall asleep tonight so tomorrow can begin.

Stalemate

He got fount out. Kinda like the last. Not that he cares. Not that I ever had a real chance. He'll never start to feel bad for what he did. None of them ever do. It's broken promises and empty apologies. I got played but he got played too. Oh, What a shame. Not that I didn't see it coming from 1000 miles away. This King was bound to stray to a different board. I trusted in it anyway. I pressed forward just like the pawn that I was in his territory and on his board. I never stood a chance against your squad. Some parts of me knew. At least you can recognize I displayed courage in my advances. Oh, the why's and the where's and the who's and the how's. Karma reared her ugly head. My game was doomed from the very first move. I should have never wrote that first letter then. "Angel Wings" my big round juicy ass! I set myself up for that. What was I thinking would come to pass? How did I see so much in such a foul excuse for a man? It was bad timing on both our parts. I wish I could have left the story alone instead of trying to pick up where we left off. If I would have just left them alone when the opportunity arose, only God knows the possibilities or where I'd be. I should have let my heart heal the first time around. Now I have to re-position my pieces again and try another tactic. Reconfigure my entire game. God is shaking his head at me but I can see when and where I became distracted. I own my mistakes. I learned a very valuable lesson but it doesn't lessen the stinging of the pain. Someday I'll be ok. Someday I'll walk looking up again. I have to figure out a way to move past this mistake and make things appear like I'm happy I made it out safe. Some part of me was taken and stayed with them. When you lose so much of yourself to the likes of someone else there is no recovering it all. You have to know when to cut your losses. The best thing being to never look back, learn from the mistake. You have to come up with a new game plan. I know now I can't take one more breath or make one more step without God's protection. God does not deserve the background. I thought I could live without God in my life and it killed me twice. God has always been the answer to my prayer and hopes for a good life all this time. I know I don't have nine lives and I'm not willing to test that notion again. I know God is the only way for a minnow like me to survive in the ocean. I knew better before I ever left God's side to try my luck at love with a man of the flesh without his blessing but I went through with it anyway. I know now that's why it failed. It is impossible for God to lead the way when you're constantly straying from the path he has laid. I will never trust myself again. I'm lost without God's movement. There can only be one King in life. I dug my own grave. I dove right into this pain. A man will let you down every time. A man will learn how to cloud your judgement and control your moves. Soon he gets bored with playing fair and will play darts with your heart as the target. You can not put any of your weight on a man because the moment he moves your whole world comes crashing down. God will support you if you trust him to. God will move too but he will warn you. God will test your faith but so will Satan. You have to be strong in your faith to know the difference. We battle with the flesh daily. I allowed for this man to become my main focus. I lost everything I accomplished because of making the wrong moves and taking the wrong risks. I've lost an investment I can never get back again. I gambled my life on a man of flesh. If in fact life is a game of chess then let's just call this one a stalemate. You can't tell me he didn't lose something valuable too. You can't convince me that I'm the only one in pain. We both waited in vain. There were better ways to not end up this way, far apart, missing out on what could have been ours, what we both waited for. I guess we'll never know what we lost. It ended before it could even start. What do you do when the love of your life steps out? What can you say? Will you have enough courage to love another in the same way? What things will you change as to not make the mistakes again? How will the next time be any different? I would've let you win again and again but you chose to play dirty. You cheated. I would've done anything for you. I thought you could see that. I thought I'd be the best thing to ever happen to you. I thought you loved me as much as I loved you. I thought we'd be together always like a King and a Queen should. You ruined the purity of what we started off with and couldn't resist the temptation of the flesh and it cost us both the game. I'll never understand how easy it is for a man to give himself away, lie and look into the eyes of the one he claims is the only one he's giving his love to all the while knowing the pain he can cause if the truth ever slips out. You hurt me more than any words can ever say. In your head I deserved what you did. That's ok. You'll never see me as the real queen I am anyway. Only God knows my true value. Maybe someday he'll show a man of God who I truly am and how to treasure my pure heart and open up an opportunity for love to be. A true unconditional love to flourish from within me. Someone in this world will recognize the love that's leftover in my heart and it will be just enough to spark a light inside of my soul that will call my spirit home and let me learn how to love again. For now I will put all my trust in God. He will be my light, my guide, my home. He will heal my pain. He will help me to walk again. God will never cheat on me. God will never lie. God will never raise his fist in anger and let it fly. God will never put me down and make me feel ugly or weak. God will not punish me for the wrongs I've done to him. God will forgive. God won't let me fall asleep with tears in my eyes or anger in my heart. God will never let me go. God is my only hope. I pray someday you learn that truth and begin to believe in it too. I pray for peace and happiness for you. Success in all you do. Seek Christ or else nothing will ever fall into place. I promise you that. Don't live an empty life. Out of all the wrongs there is still one way to make it right. Pray for me too that's the last thing I will ever ask of you. May God be with us both. In my opinion of all things in the game of chess a stalemate is not the worst.   
 

OUCH!!!

Have you ever ripped the bandages off of a fresh wound? Exposing the delicate, fragile wounded flesh beneath? Pain on top of pain. Is it physical or is it really just radiating from the brain? Have you ever gazed into your own reflection in a mirror and said to yourself, "I'm staring straight into the eyes of a stranger."? Have you ever fallen down so hard you felt the weight of the entire world bearing down on you? No hope of ever getting up. Some pain you never recover from. Even after the scabs dry up and fall off and the scars fade you can still feel the excruciating pain. Blood stains wash away but mental images remain and will never completely go away. Hook up a morphine drip directly to my sub-conscience. Dull the piercing pain long enough for me to feel normal again or at least to make me numb. The side effects from this accident are for life. The drugs aren't what I've become dependent on, they aren't what I'm addicted to, it's the pain. Sought out like a seeking missile. Nothing can ever just be straight. Every move I make is wrong. I have forgotten every lyric to every song. I've stepped on every bear trap on the ground. I've lost my equilibrium. I can't tell which way is up. I lost sight of the North star. I'm wandering around in the dark. It feels like being slammed into by a Mack truck. Way worse than any bad luck. If being stabbed is painful then I'd call this feeling being sliced in half. Guts spilling all over the floor. Left my leaking organs bleeding at the door, I'm tired of carrying the dead weight, what do I need them for? How much pain is too much? Can I handle anymore? If internal injuries are fatal I should've been dead and gone by now. Have you ever loved so hard it hurt? It's that welling up feeling in your throat. Have you ever cut yourself but instead of rushing to cover up you just paused and watched the blood seep out? The body is way more resilient than the mind. Have you ever put yourself in danger? Would you trust your life to a stranger? If you're sick, how do you become well? When you fall ill, how do you nurse yourself back to health? When you're all alone who do you ask for help? I'm dying right in front of my own eyes. Watching my soul drift up toward the clouds. Laying on the floor lifeless in silence listening to my spirit drown. Nothing but cold dead breath coming from my chest now. I guess I'll live in this dead purple skin once again. I feel nothing but pain. This has to be worse than death itself. To still be alive but know that life will never be the same again. Like a zombie fending for brains. I'm afraid I've killed whatever chance I had to be capable of love ever again. My heart won't beat. My blood stopped pumping. My life is over is what this feels like. I've accepted my fate; eternal pain. Never ending, mind numbing hurt. I can feel it welling up in my throat. The tears are all used up. The only dripping is from the sweat on the outside of my cup. I have officially given up. Y'all can have that Bitch called Love. She has diced me all the way up. Love is a trick. Happiness is a joke. Nothing is this World is pure anymore. Honesty is dead. No faith. No hope. No love. No yoke. The only real thing I recognize anymore is blunt force trauma to the heart. Hurt. Pain. Ouch.