Dead dreams and haunted hopes

Yep. The last time I checked my status is still wrecked. Distractions are still a must. Wake up. Open those perty eyes of yours. Get up. Shake off the dust. He decided to give you another try today. Don't waste anymore time he said. Today will be great. Better than the last. Maybe even the greatest of all. Tomorrow you'll be fine. If you are not ready to give life your all you will never know just how far you can go or how hard you can fall. In this life too many lies are acknowledged as truth. Some turn the other cheek while some step up and speak. Most people speak off of their immediate emotions and before you know it they're changing their notions. What becomes important in the matter of a moment can also become very unimportant in the glimmer of an instant. Life is a never ending mission. What we all know as our conscience constant is actual nonsense. Like gossip. Here one day and gone the next. Nothing is ever of enough importance to stick. The tiniest of things can create a buzz and then just like that it's gone. Your life holds no weight. What did the existence of my life change? Like the way I feel like I never happened. I feel like I didn't exist. The last 6 months of my life were a complete miss, I was completely dissed and dismissed. At first I was just pissed then the shock wore off and reality set in. My anger turned to resentment. The half empty boxes littering the front entrance of this house we don't belong in are the remnants of my life's sad little disaster. I hear my laughter and am disgusted with myself at how fake I sound. I don't care to wear this smile around but what choice do I have. Behind my eyes is pain but we only have one life to live. Nothing to lose and everything to give. Everybody including me keeps telling me to push past it. Even I know I can but I can't pretend I'm good when I'm not. I can't deny that I miss him. Alot. He was my all for so long then it all just stopped. My heart still aches for him. My wounds are still fresh. I can't say that I'm over it yet. I'm not at that place yet and it is driving me mad. I am still so sad and I hate it. There's nothing that's going to change it. I want to hear from him so bad. It's a constant battle not to reach out every single day. Does it make me ridiculous for still caring? What is the time frame for falling out of love? Not hurting so much? Moving on? I suppose it will come. I'm afraid to stay stuck. I wish I was like him. I wish I didn't give a phuck. I wish I could stop thinking about him. Deleting the pictures didn't do much except for maybe make me miss him more. Breaking up really brings out the pathetic in people for sure. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me but I wish there were someone else out there who understood. I'm having feelings that I don't want but I can't control what is driving them or where they keep coming from. I just want to be ok again. I pray daily for God to make the sadness and pain wash away with each passing day. Make my life make sense again. But just in case you were wondering, yes I'm still very much in pain. It hurts everyday I just have my ways of hiding my wounds. I miss you. I pray you're doing great. I still have high hopes in someday. I hope we cross paths again if not on this side then on the other side. It's all documented on the cloud now, our intimate conversations broadcast for the entire world to hear. Time standing still. Our story on pause. I apologize I didn't give life my all when I was with you. You took too much of me and I couldn't balance anything. I fell apart and now it's apparent that leaving was smart. Calling it off was the right thing to do. I'm not happy in my own life yet but I can say I'm happy for you. I still love you, I ain't gonna hate you. I understand. I completely understand. All that sh*t I said was true. Right? Isn't that what you said? I can only wonder if you still feel that way. If you ever really did. Either way, now they're just words once said. Broken promises. Pieces of my broken heart floating around in the pool of my tears flooding the ground. But tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow will be great. If given another chance I'll try and give life my all this time. I don't want to waste another minute of my time. He's given me a second chance. I can't waste it wondering what happened or why. All I have now is today. And today will be great. Better than the last. Maybe even the greatest of all. Tomorrow I'll be fine.

Snake Eyes

Woke up in tears this morning. 
I couldn't even get out of bed. 
The dreams are horrific.
I just laid there and wept.
I swear every day is different.
I promise myself I'm ok.
I'm moving forward.
Then the next thing you know thoughts are creeping in. 
I can't get you out of my head or from under my skin?
You're there when I wake and when I go to bed.
You're in the songs I can't get out of my head.
I can't go one day yet.
Without thinking about it. 
I feel so pathetic for feeling this way.
I just keep going over things.
I catch myself wondering what you're doing?
Having time to reflect is crippling my movement.
Tears well when I picture your face.
I think about all kinds of things.
From the ramp up to those last few days.
Things I might have done different.
Words I could've said in another way. 
Now it's dead air what we share.
After everything and I'm just here. 
I can't make up my mind.
Whether or not I was right. 
I'm so sick. I'm crushed. I'm stunned.
You did everything to me you sought to do.
I hope you're proud of yourself for going through with what you did.
I hope it makes you feel like a better person for hurting me.
You hurt me worse than anyone I've ever known.
I keep thinking about all I put up with for you.
Everything you put me through.
How I went through hell for you.
I didn't even get any quality time.
It was never just you and I.
I just keep telling myself it's alright. 
Better luck next time.
The question now is how do I get you out of my head?
How do I get a good night's sleep?
Put it all to rest?
What is the trick to wake up not wanting to hear from you? 
Do I pretend that you're not important?
How did you just turn it off? 
Some days I think you were pretending the whole time. 
I was never important to you. Was I?
I was never anyone in your life.
You rolled my life like a pair of dice. 
Snake eyes.

December

He knew something was up. The phone was turned off, he couldn't make his call. I'll never forget how he glared at me. He fixed his things getting ready to leave for work that morning. December 23rd we stood there in the doorway. I looked up into his brown eyes for the last time. In my mind I was saying my goodbyes but I couldn't leave on bad terms. I kissed his soft lips, kissed them again then let go of his hand and said, "see you later". He got in the truck. I watched as he pulled out of the driveway, felt the first tear drop fall away. It all came flooding to the surface. All the reasons why I was leaving. The cheating. The deceiving. The total betrayal. You didn't hit my jaw, you hit my heart and I knew it was time to go. I wish those last two weeks were how things would've been from the beginning. A ring. It confused me how amazing he was treating me after everything. How could things go from good to bad so quick? How could they end like this? I could feel his eyes trace my face. His big strong hands wrapped completely around my waist. I remember the smell of his kiss on my small lips. The sound of his voice beneath my face as I lay on his naked chest. It's the little noises and his way of speaking. Watching his face wake up from his dreaming. His warm embrace in the cold air of the mornings. Listening to him singing. Friday nights. His real smile. Watching him shave. His name. Him. Never saw him again. He moved on to bigger and better things. No one ever heard from her again.   

I'm so sad today

I'm so sad today.
I'm trying to distract myself but this feeling won't go away.
I wish my brain and heart would stop arguing.
My eyes are puffy and swollen.
My head is a whirlwind.
I can't find a way to take this pain out my chest.
Why did things have to be this way? 
How is he just fine?
When each passing minute all I want to do is cry. 
I've been commended for leaving.
Everyone told me it was right.
So why every time I open my eyes does it feel like I'm going to die? 
I'm torn up inside.
No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I'm alright...
I'm not alright. 
I'm far from fine.
Stop saying it's going to get better with time.
I have to get all this out of my heart and my mind. 
Thank God for this.. Writing. 
I have no one to talk to.
That's not true. 
I just don't care to. 
My attitude is all out of Whack!
There is no getting me back.
That poor heartbroken girl is done. 
It's a wrap.
She will never resurface again.
The person writing all this out isn't familiar.
I don't know who I am anymore.
Or what I want. 
I was handed everything I asked for and just walked out the door. 
I've lost. 
Plain and simple. 
Maybe I'll go back to being silly and simple. 
Maybe that girl has been me this whole time.
A "Silly Simple Bitch" trying to shine!
While everyone was busy getting theirs, I was busy losing mine. 
I don't know why I even tried to be with that guy.
What in the galaxy was I thinking? 
Now I'm so sad I can't think straight. 
I suppose some believe all wounds heal with time. 
I know the wounds never heal, time doesn't heal a thing!
The trick is to learn how to live with the pain.
Trust is the hardest to achieve. 
If there is no trust, you can't learn to love and you will never be able to endure what's to come. 
I won't survive another fall.
My heart will turn cold and fall apart.
Crumble into little pieces. 
What you see on the outside is just a disguise covering up all the pain I will hide.
The reality is I'm hurt.
I'm crushed.
It's going to take me forever to clean all of this up.
Stop saying it'll get better.
I'll never get over this.
Forget about everything I did. 
All the time, wasted.
All those tears I cried.
All those years I was there.
Now you're no longer in my atmosphere. 
Nothing will ever compare or come close to how bad this feels.
I can't focus on anything else.
I can't wait until it's time to go back to sleep.
I'm so sad today.
I want to fall asleep tonight so tomorrow can begin.

Stalemate

He got fount out. Kinda like the last. Not that he cares. Not that I ever had a real chance. He'll never start to feel bad for what he did. None of them ever do. It's broken promises and empty apologies. I got played but he got played too. Oh, What a shame. Not that I didn't see it coming from 1000 miles away. This King was bound to stray to a different board. I trusted in it anyway. I pressed forward just like the pawn that I was in his territory and on his board. I never stood a chance against your squad. Some parts of me knew. At least you can recognize I displayed courage in my advances. Oh, the why's and the where's and the who's and the how's. Karma reared her ugly head. My game was doomed from the very first move. I should have never wrote that first letter then. "Angel Wings" my big round juicy ass! I set myself up for that. What was I thinking would come to pass? How did I see so much in such a foul excuse for a man? It was bad timing on both our parts. I wish I could have left the story alone instead of trying to pick up where we left off. If I would have just left them alone when the opportunity arose, only God knows the possibilities or where I'd be. I should have let my heart heal the first time around. Now I have to re-position my pieces again and try another tactic. Reconfigure my entire game. God is shaking his head at me but I can see when and where I became distracted. I own my mistakes. I learned a very valuable lesson but it doesn't lessen the stinging of the pain. Someday I'll be ok. Someday I'll walk looking up again. I have to figure out a way to move past this mistake and make things appear like I'm happy I made it out safe. Some part of me was taken and stayed with them. When you lose so much of yourself to the likes of someone else there is no recovering it all. You have to know when to cut your losses. The best thing being to never look back, learn from the mistake. You have to come up with a new game plan. I know now I can't take one more breath or make one more step without God's protection. God does not deserve the background. I thought I could live without God in my life and it killed me twice. God has always been the answer to my prayer and hopes for a good life all this time. I know I don't have nine lives and I'm not willing to test that notion again. I know God is the only way for a minnow like me to survive in the ocean. I knew better before I ever left God's side to try my luck at love with a man of the flesh without his blessing but I went through with it anyway. I know now that's why it failed. It is impossible for God to lead the way when you're constantly straying from the path he has laid. I will never trust myself again. I'm lost without God's movement. There can only be one King in life. I dug my own grave. I dove right into this pain. A man will let you down every time. A man will learn how to cloud your judgement and control your moves. Soon he gets bored with playing fair and will play darts with your heart as the target. You can not put any of your weight on a man because the moment he moves your whole world comes crashing down. God will support you if you trust him to. God will move too but he will warn you. God will test your faith but so will Satan. You have to be strong in your faith to know the difference. We battle with the flesh daily. I allowed for this man to become my main focus. I lost everything I accomplished because of making the wrong moves and taking the wrong risks. I've lost an investment I can never get back again. I gambled my life on a man of flesh. If in fact life is a game of chess then let's just call this one a stalemate. You can't tell me he didn't lose something valuable too. You can't convince me that I'm the only one in pain. We both waited in vain. There were better ways to not end up this way, far apart, missing out on what could have been ours, what we both waited for. I guess we'll never know what we lost. It ended before it could even start. What do you do when the love of your life steps out? What can you say? Will you have enough courage to love another in the same way? What things will you change as to not make the mistakes again? How will the next time be any different? I would've let you win again and again but you chose to play dirty. You cheated. I would've done anything for you. I thought you could see that. I thought I'd be the best thing to ever happen to you. I thought you loved me as much as I loved you. I thought we'd be together always like a King and a Queen should. You ruined the purity of what we started off with and couldn't resist the temptation of the flesh and it cost us both the game. I'll never understand how easy it is for a man to give himself away, lie and look into the eyes of the one he claims is the only one he's giving his love to all the while knowing the pain he can cause if the truth ever slips out. You hurt me more than any words can ever say. In your head I deserved what you did. That's ok. You'll never see me as the real queen I am anyway. Only God knows my true value. Maybe someday he'll show a man of God who I truly am and how to treasure my pure heart and open up an opportunity for love to be. A true unconditional love to flourish from within me. Someone in this world will recognize the love that's leftover in my heart and it will be just enough to spark a light inside of my soul that will call my spirit home and let me learn how to love again. For now I will put all my trust in God. He will be my light, my guide, my home. He will heal my pain. He will help me to walk again. God will never cheat on me. God will never lie. God will never raise his fist in anger and let it fly. God will never put me down and make me feel ugly or weak. God will not punish me for the wrongs I've done to him. God will forgive. God won't let me fall asleep with tears in my eyes or anger in my heart. God will never let me go. God is my only hope. I pray someday you learn that truth and begin to believe in it too. I pray for peace and happiness for you. Success in all you do. Seek Christ or else nothing will ever fall into place. I promise you that. Don't live an empty life. Out of all the wrongs there is still one way to make it right. Pray for me too that's the last thing I will ever ask of you. May God be with us both. In my opinion of all things in the game of chess a stalemate is not the worst.