The Truth...

I'm not good enough for you.
I don't think I'll ever be.
My cracks still leak.
My wounds still bleed.
My bruises you can still see.
My eyes still cry tears you can't dry.
I'm battered.
I'm shattered.
I'm torn and tattered.
I'm dingy and old.
I'm used up.
I'm cold.
I'm rigid.
I'm hard.
My heart and my head are falling apart.
I don't want to be a project you can't fix.
I'm still hurt from pain you didn't inflict.
What good am I to you if I can't heal fully from it?
I tried to tell you this from the beginning.
I don't want to commit with only half of my heart.
It's not fair to you.
You deserve better.
You deserve a fresh start.
I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not.
Who I am, you won't want.
I'm not perfect.
I'm raw.
I curse.
I'm loud.
I'm rough around the edges.
I have a smart mouth.
I have more moods than you could count.
I'm not the best mother.
I'm not the best role model.
I'm not the best daughter.
I didn't have the best role model.
A part of me died when I lost my Father.
I'm not the greatest friend which is why mine are few and far between.
I can be ugly.
I can be cruel.
I can be very mean.
I'm petty.
I still pout and whine.
I can be be pretty childish at times.
Sometimes I even misplace my own mind.
Sometimes I just want to be left to my own devices.
How could you love someone with so many vices?
Why would you want to put up with this?
There are billions of better women out there.
Ones you won't need to fix.
Ones who don't need to heal.
I'm not even that pretty to be fair.
I don't know what you see.
I don't know why or how you love me.
I can't understand why you want me.
I know you deserve someone much better than all of this.
I'm afraid you've created this person in your mind.
This woman that is not me in the least bit.
Someone pure and Godly.
Someone meant just for you.
A woman who is on the same level as you in your spiritual journeys.
What if you decide I'm not her?
In time, all of this will be exposed.
What if you decide you don't want me anymore?
What happens when you realize you can do so much better?
What will I do when my greatest fear comes true?
I'm going to lose you.
I'm not good enough for you.
I know I will never be.
I don't deserve you.
That's the truth.

Stitches

All wounds heal, some faster than others.
We all need different remedies to recover.
When we are cut deep enough stitches hold us together.
I tripped and fell not too long ago.
I suffered from a broken soul.
God stitched me up and made me whole.
When it was time to pull the stitches out all that was left was a nasty scar.
A dull reminder that I broke my own heart.
Stitches were never meant to be a permanent solution.
A belly full of pills and a heart full of doubt isn't a resolution.
I had to open my eyes and shut my mouth.
I held back my tears and stifled my fears.
I accepted the lie that pain subsides.
Stitches kept me alive but only on the outside.
I learned to live with the cold, dark solitude of my life.
The pain I feel is very much real.
I'm torn between what's fake and what's real.
Do I want to stay wounded or do I want to heal?
Some wounds heal faster than others.
I found the remedy to help me recover.
I've uncovered a most beautiful truth.
All that's left to do is get up and move.
It's mind over matter now.
I've got to overcome my pain somehow.
The scars will eventually fade.
This time when I fall, it won't be in vain.

Oh, he writes..

Captivating 
By: Stephen Vargas

You are so captivating!
Make-up or without Make-up.
Curly hair or straight.
Whether you're in tip-top shape or 40 lbs over weight. 
You're captivating.
You captivate me. 
My eyes on you. 
I'm in awe.
Yea, I love what I see.
Stretch marks, scars, blemishes, and all. 
You call it a flaw but what I see is unique.
Perfectly put together, this package is complete and it's far beyond skin deep.
You captivate me by the way that you think. 
You're so incredibly smart, it's matched with incredible strength.
The way that you sing, say my name, and your laugh and how it makes my heart start to beat hard and beat fast.
The way that you love me and say there's no one else but me.
Your commitment to God and determination to grow. 
You captivate me Lindsey, more than anyone that I know. 

14 months

I can't concentrate again.
Those thoughts are creeping back in.
Why Him?
What happened?
What I did.
What I didn't.
Things I said. Things he did.
Things he said. The way I reacted.
There are so many ways I could've played that.
I didn't.
I took for granted the time we had.
I feel like an idiot when I'm around that guy.
Why would I miss someone who makes me feel that way?
How?
I hate that I can't focus again.
I hate that I still want to reach out.
I hate that I still want to talk.
I miss his face.
His voice.
Him.
With me.
I just wish I could take it all back.
Forget.
Now, all that's left is the music and regret.

Gallop my Hallup

The beauty in today is that I can say whatever I'd like to say, to mean whatever I want to mean. I can say he loves me and you don't know who he is. I can say it felt so good and you won't know in what way. I can say I'm taking off and you can't know where I'm going or when. I can say I am finally finished and you wouldn't know how it ended or why. I say the things I like to say because it's my truth to know who and what and where and when and how and why. While all you're left with are endless ignored inquiries about the whereabouts of my life. Dead ends to your lies. Failed attempts of decoding our encrypted messages. If you could count all of the moments you spent in a pointless fight, you'd never catch your breath. While I basque in his light you hide in the dark. When we walk in you'll shield your eyes because we're much too bright. The way we smile is our delight. If I could put into these words what he means to me, you wouldn't be able to translate their meaning. I'm sailing off into the sunset with my best friend while you're fighting the current. The secrets we share are heaven sent. God has given us a covert mission. I trust you'd love to know but when we disappear with the moonlight, you'll be searching all of the places you've already looked. Love overcomes the sadness if you let it. Love sews up the rips and tears if you allow it. Love is there to listen if you'll hear it. Love is sweeter than dripping honey if you'll have it. Love is more satisfying than sex, drugs, power, and money. Love loves love. He takes me as I am. I see him for who he truly is. We were destined to be in this moment. He planned it. God took a deep breath in and out came today. What a beautiful blessing it is to know we were created in his image. You're perfect. Perfectly crafted for my love. A blessing from above. Take my hand. Let's run together until our mission is done. I will never let go until God calls us home.