Oh God, What have I done?

Oh God, What have I done? I turned my back on you and for what? Now the damage has been done. I'm just one; another faceless sinner on the run. Running from what? Love? I thought I was in love when in reality I based the biggest decision of my life on lust and now the fire has turned to dust. What a bust! God why did I choose to trust in someone other than you? Why would I leave your side? Man has always let me down and left me high and dry. There is nothing in this World for me but hate and jealousy. I can't even feel pain anymore. I'm more numb now than I ever was before. I've been here once, tried settling my own score and that lost me more than can be accounted for. I'm just alone now, nothing more, nothing less. I've been dangling from a limb since I came to this place. What did I think could ever compare to your glory? What did I believe could ever make me feel more complete? Could I have possibly believed that a man could really love me? I have forsaken you Oh Lord and for that I am suffering the ultimate consequence. I have lost myself in sin once again. I have not only lost my way but I have lost sight of what means the most to me in trusting another human being. I can't describe this feeling that has come over me, it's almost liberating. To realize I've messed up this bad isn't really all that bad more than it is just sad. The shame and embarassment is what will plague my mind. My life is a joke is how I feel about everything now. Only God cares enough about my soul for me to even still be alive. I have no idea what I am going to do now. I wish I could close my eyes and wake up somehow. God I'd give anything for this to all have been a bad dream. I know that's just wishful thinking. I'm sinking and I know you're the only way out of this muck. I'm a mess and you're the only one who will lift me up. I know you're still there God, I'm the one who is lost. Please Lord I 'm asking you to help me get back to your love. I should have never turned my back on you and run. I know I'm damaged but I also know healing can be done. I feel like I've lost when I know I've actually won. Out of billions and billions of people in the World I am blessed enough to know your son. I am strong enough to admit when I've done wrong. I have the courage to make things right. I am not fallen I am in mid-flight. If I am sad, you will turn my chin up. If I have tears running down my face you will dry them up. If I feel like it's me against the World, I know this isn't it for me, you have taught me how I can truly be freed. When he finally learns what he has lost, I will be gone. If he never sees what he had in me, he didn't deserve to ever find out. When he remembers how I loved him so, when others don't show him the same way, he will wish he would have had one more day. Love is a gift, one of a kind. It is the absolute hardest treasure to find. Unless you walk through life with God in your heart and on your mind you will lose every time. Love is not for the fake. Love is countered by hate. The two cannot co-exist. You either love or you've been faking it. Maybe what we shared was fake. Maybe what we shared was real. I will never know the way another truly feels. I will always know the way I feel. That's all I'll ever know. No man on this Earth is worth my tears. God owns all of my heart, it's not for sale and I'm through with just giving it out. My love is free but if you want it you can't just take it. You have to give me yours in exchange. Love is a gift. Once you can learn how to give, one day you will also receive. Until that time comes, you still have much more to see, more to learn. Life is a lesson and I pray you will continue to grow and learn. I have to press pause on it all for now. Maybe someday I'll try again but for now I'm out. I throw in the towel. I'm done. I'm over this. I have to get out. Leave town. Never look back. Relax. Move on. Sing a different tune. No more see you soon. I'm renewed. I have to get back to my faith. Jesus is the only way. Oh God, what have I done? Save me before my time is up.