Got to give it up

Ok, I've decided to go with my gut and give it up. Nothing good can come from a forced love. If he wanted me in the same ways I wanted him it would be. Naturally. I accept that he doesn't need me. The pain will eventually subside. I'm hoping the feelings will eventually die. This late in life I no longer believe in the concept of "the one" but I still have hope that I will someday be loved. They say when you stop searching for something you've lost it just pops up so I'm going to put my faith in finding love by giving it up. I'm going to stop trying so hard to fall and instead stand straight up, tall. I'm going to keep my eyes focused on God. I know that I'm not completely alone, God is by my side. I have to do a better job to stay away from trouble and not cause as much. I need to believe that I am enough. I must start telling myself that I am worthy of someone's love. I have to be more willing and open to trust. A life without love is dull, yes but a life forcing it is far worse. Love should be fluid like a flood going where it pleases without any barricades or boundaries holding it up. You can't trap feelings. Love cannot be suppressed or stopped. Yes being alone sucks but supposedly good things come to those who wait. Unfortunately for me I am so impatient that I have never tested that fate. I'm so aggressive and stubborn. I've always treacherously gotten everything I've gone after. Perhaps that's why nothing has ever lasted and I'm still alone. I've suffered so much loss in my life that I'm traumatized by the idea of love as a whole. I need patience. I need guidance. I need discipline. I realize I need to make changes within. I don't know how to say no to the things I want most. It's my biggest problem. I have to stop putting up such a hard fight for figments of my imagination that will never come to life. I keep retreating to the dark when I get too close to the light. I'm so terrified of being burned that I prefer to stay far from the fire. I am harboring so much hurt. I have been stripped to my bare bones. I'm tired of nursing old wounds and reopening scars. It feels like there is nothing left. I have to let it all go. I can't keep holding on to something I never had. I have got to give it up at last.