Listen to Reason

The pain is ever prevalent. In all honesty I wish I had never met him. Missing him is profusely worse than not knowing him at all. I'm sick of being so unhappy with myself. Walking around like life is always trying me, testing my patience. Feeling like I've been put out like I'm the odd man out. Trying not to let this shit bother me. Pretending like I'm fine. Flaunting a fake smile like it's a new fad. Who am I kidding? I'm sick about everything. What's worse is I have no control over any of it. I have to sit back and just watch the credits roll past? It's over? Just like that? So why am I finding it so difficult to move on and start over? If you were given something you weren't supposed to have. Something you felt undeserving of. Something you felt you were absolutely unworthy of. Would you keep it or give it back? I have a moral dilemma I'm presently struggling with. It's a spiritual warfare and my heart is under attack. On the one hand he's everything I could ask for in a man. On the other he's not even mine. I keep trying to convince myself it was all a huge mistake and I'm fine. But that's a blatant lie. In this life we don't get many opportunities to make decisions that will impact the rest of our lives. I feel like this is one of those choices. I have to make a decision but I have to act fast. The question remains, should I do the right thing or do what I want? If I had no doubts the truth would be out and there would be no question of what I am going to do or how I should proceed. But my moral integrity is at stake. Satan is standing in my way. He continues to offer me the pleasures and treasures and sweet sultry temptations of the World. In one word; dirt. I know what I'm doing. I knew it all along but I only went with it because the pull was so damn strong. Like nothing I've ever felt before. This man fell from cloud 9 and fell in my path. How the phuck am I supposed to just ignore that and leave him behind? Why does this feel like a major exam that I am about to fail? Why do I allow these things to happen to me? Why can't I just live a normal life? Why can't I come across a free agent? I've met my match and he's attached, tethered to his past. I want so desperately to toss him a life raft but he doesn't seem to see he's drowning and he doesn't want my help. He keeps thinking he can fix the problems, patch the holes and keep his ship afloat. I can't be the person who convinces him that he's going down with the ship. But a noble Captain he is and refuses to jump ship, he's just going to let it happen in front of his face. I'd like to think that I'll be there waiting for him when he finally makes it back to shore but that he'll even survive I'm unsure. Time unfortunately is the fortune teller of all truths but in this case I wish I could pay for a preview to be sure I'm making the right move. That bitch life, all of my basic instincts, my morality and integrity are all screaming at me the same thing, "Move on and leave him alone!!" but I refuse to take part in singing one more sad song. When do I finally get what I want?