Envy

You never really hated me; it was just what you were taught. Given the opportunity to get to know one another, we may have actually gotten along. You based your ideas about who I was on someone else's words. You never once tried to figure me out or what I was about on your own terms. All you knew and believed about me were the things you were told. You never inquired about my role. My responsibilities. My feelings. You just based your opinion off of someone else's experiences. You didn't want to speak with me or get my side of things. You didn't ask my friends or family questions about my life or my past. You assumed what you wanted to in order to make your own story true. I never hated you, either. I never hated anyone. I hated evil actions. I hated deceit. I hated people hating me just because of what they would believe. I was truly hurt by many things, but I kept them to myself and didn't say anything. I never defended myself against the lies being told. I never tried to clear my name against the shame. I just kept being me and going along with what was necessary. I never swayed from my own truth. I never based my own opinions on some shit I heard from someone else. I always based my own opinions of people on the experiences I had with them myself. I am sad that you allowed the poison in the air to get into your head. We could've been friends. We could've at the very least had an understanding. You shouldn't have judged a stranger unless you knew their pain. You shouldn't have said the things you did without knowing the entire truth. You shouldn't have talked so much shit without walking in my shoes. You never hated me; you only hated me for what I had. The funny thing is once you made it yours, you were still sad. Envy is an emptiness that will never be done. It's a hole full of despair and loneliness. A hunger that is never won. 

Scary Places

It's quiet here, in this place I cannot bear. 

Imprisoned by four walls is all I've ever known. 

Always and forever prohibited from growth.

No place ever truly feeling like home. 

Sun dripping in like honey. 

Breeze sweeping in through the trees, past my knees. 

Kissing my hot cheeks, whispering at the sweat behind my neck. 

Playing, laughing, swimming around in daydreams like a child.

Thunderclouds, instead, inside of my head are knocking around. 

Never a path worth taking, so I'd stop short.

Divert. 

Never taking the fearful leap from the diving board. 

Clenching to the rope of eternal youth. 

I've landed in the cold, stagnant pool of never could. 

All because I never would. 

Say, "Yes." 

Say, "No." 

Just let go.  

Now I find myself here. 

In this scary place of, "What now?", and "How?". 

Where to go from here. 

It's good to know where you are. 

It's sad to be afraid of reaching too far. 

Facing the fear of failure. 

Always afraid to start or try because I am afraid of failing. 

Fearful of rejection. 

Not from any other human. 

Rejection from life. 

An ejection from my life purpose. 

A black hole. 

Worthless. 

Begging for more 6/28/24 & mostly 9/5/24 journal entry

There are times when life is a blur. Memories get slurred. Sitting in the embers of an unrecognizable life, seeing the very pieces of who I used to be float off into the sky. Still her. There are traces everywhere. She still has the black cat. She's outside under the Texas sky with a pen and a pad in hand. Her Js are muddy and cruddy but they're still sitting on the stairs beside her. She's listening to Portisehead watching the clouds roll by. There are hummingbirds singing next door and she remembers a simpler time. The years stack like sand. How many moments will we never remember? So much space and time have passed. It's all just the past. Nothing lasts. There is no right direction. There is no straight path. Every road eventually runs into another, then another, and they are all the same. There is not up, there is not down. No beginning. No end. It's all just space and time. They've lied. The days we count - the calendars and clocks are a mock. Yes, Satan - My 3rd eye is wide open. There is no stopping Jesus, now! We are in for a show. Just have to continue existing until then. I keep waiting for more, but this is all it will ever be. I wish to be obedient. I know the power of this pen. The words I speak can bring life or death. I asked for my calling. Maybe this is it. I'm going to start being honest in the open. Who will stop me? I'm stronger than I know. I never give myself credit. Why can't I believe in me? Why can't I see what they see? I have got to stop denying me. I have to embrace who I am and what I believe. I love Jesus. That's it. Turn a new leaf?? More like, Turn a new life! It's the turning point (RIP CK). Living in sin is like dying of cancer. It consumes you to death. The darkness will swallow your light, and you will die inside. Jesus, resurrect me?! Please!? I don't want to be dead while I'm still alive. Writing is all I've known. Writing is what I believe I'm good at. Writing knows me. It sees every part of my being. It's never judged. It's never shunned. It has never made me feel unwanted. I can be honest. I can always trust writing will be here. It never leaves me or abandons me anywhere. My powerful friend. Where to next? 

7/7/22

I can't remember where I've been and I don't know where I'm going. This life we live is cavernous, and I've grown exhausted from exploring. Every day is ups, downs, overs, and throughs, going and going, looking for some place new. Racing time trying to find a meaning that we already knew. Planting seeds that never grew. Chasing dreams never meant to come true. Falling in love with all the wrong fools. Wake up, attack the day to go to bed alone again. I'm tired of being sore. All there ever is, is bored. Life is a kill joy. A ploy of the wicked to take down the saints. Life tosses and churns you like ocean currents then turns around and spits you out as if you tasted like poison. Try and get up only to be pushed back down. Be strong, stand up only to be kicked and punched. I am done. When will this all just be another re-run? Do we really want another season? Can't we be content to let it be the end? 

Womanhood to Wifehood

I've been a woman my entire life, but I've never been a wife. A woman and a wife are one in the same but are not the same. I was never one of those little girls who spent her childhood daydreaming about becoming a wife or a mother. I went against the grain when it came to playing house and dolls. I wanted more. I was focused on career-oriented play like teacher, doctor, or Judge. I was into fast cars and travelling abroad. I was more interested in playing with the Hot wheels and Transformers than I was pink frilly things. Even at a young age I felt the overwhelming bogged-downess of being a wife or a mother. Being tied down has never suited me. I am a free, unclipped winged creature whose main goal is to stay flying high above the chaotic world below, living peacefully in my own realm. My life is and always has been a movie. I hear crescendos of on theme background music playing everywhere I go and with everything I do. I see flashbacks and flashforwards. I hear narrations in my head as situations play out. I even play several different characters in my movie. The Lindsey Story. I live it every day and every single day another adventure plays out in front of my eyes. It's quite the life. I love living in my own world. It's safe and peaceful in my bubble. I thank God every day for waking me up and for allowing me to take in the 1st light and take in my first breath of the day. I thank mom and Jesus for bringing me this far. I've had my fair share of tragedy and loss. The amount of death I've seen and experienced is on the heavier side than most people my age, in my opinion. I can't speak for anyone but myself. I've lost great grandparents, grandparents, my father, my God sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, and very close friends. I've been to too many funerals to count. They are many lost but never forgotten. I bring up the topic of death and loss because they are in direct correlation with my character and the woman I've grown to become. Death has shaped my life more than my life's experiences have. It is in a way a sad truth I have to accept about myself, but I do. Fully. This is why I feel it is easier for me to become detached than most. Not only all the deaths I've experienced, but also the fact that I am a Piscean, and we are not the same as everyone else. We do not think the same or perceive the world the same. I am just now beginning to accept that I am inherently different than everyone around me. I know in my heart, spirit, soul, mind, and body that I do not belong in this realm. I am of God, and I belong with him, wherever that may be. I am also unafraid. I have learned (in therapy) that fear is not real. Any obstacle can be overcome. Any challenge, as long as you face it, can be won. Every problem has a resolution or a solution. Hard times will come but they will also pass. We are strong and resilient beings, but the strength and force have to come from within. Other than God and Jesus, there is no other outside source of Power. At 39, I am still learning. I have never loved myself as much as I do, now. Not even ever as a child did I have this much love and care of myself. It wasn't taught. I had to learn through hating myself by the example of others to truly let go and love myself. Hate taught me love. Trials and trauma and heartache taught me strength and resilience. The World taught me how to live, and it almost killed me. Being happy in this world is tough but God gives me the strength to do it every day because now I ask him for help. God is always moving and working good in the world, but you still have to be part of his movement and move like Christ or your requests, prayers, hopes, and dreams will fall onto deaf ears. God works so we can be part of his plan and work right alongside him. He needs us as much as we need him, it all works together, as one cohesive piece. The church. I am the church; you are the church. All you need is the word of God and faith in your heart and you form the church. When I met my husband, I began to wonder about things that never crossed my mind before. I started to inquire about what it means to be a wife, biblically. I did research and went to bible studies. It began to make much more sense to me why marriage is important and all the things that come with it. I reflected on my past, on my past relationships, past behaviors and realized why I was depressed, lonely, miserable, and in deep self-loathing. When the possibility of becoming a wife became an actuality for me, I got overwhelmed and afraid because I didn't know if I could hack it. Wife material? Me? I could hear the crowd roar with laughter. My sentiments, exactly. But, as humans, we tend to forget that we are not in control, God is. His plans for all of us are beautiful but we block our own blessings by trying to continuously do things our own way. The moment I put my trust in God, started trusting my husband's intentions were good, and began to love myself and accept that I do deserve good things and to be happy, everything shifted. I was born a woman, born into the responsibilities of womanhood. I rejected my femininity and divine feminine instincts from a very early age. I wasn't confused about being a woman, I just didn't agree with the inherent responsibilities that come with being one. Periods. Pregnancies. PMS. Womanhood. Wifehood. Motherhood. The lot of it! I didn't want it. I wanted to throw the baby out with the bath water. Miss me with all these duties and responsibilities that come with being born with a vagina. That used to be my thoughts on being a woman. This is the reason I say a woman and wife aren't the same thing. Then again, a woman and a mother are two very different things too. Case in point. Me. I never imagined being a mother, let alone, becoming one 5 times over. I definitely never saw myself as a wife. It was hard enough seeing myself as a beautiful woman. I never gave myself enough credit or scaled myself to the caliber of a wifely woman. It took the right man, it took me to let go of my trauma, and it took me opening up my heart and life to God. This is the plan he had for me all along, which is why I feel safe now. I am happy. Healthy. Truly in tune with my wifehood. God placed people in my life who I hurt. He put me in situations that I admittedly messed up by not listening to him and making poor choices. I appreciate the turmoil because it is allowing me to appreciate the bliss. God set me up for success and I followed him right into a dream. I still haven't woken up from the safety of my bubble, and I don't plan to. Not until it's time to go home for good. To all the women out there, embrace your womanhood but please don't shy away from your wifehood. It is meant to change you into the butterfly God made you to be. We have to learn to fly to be free.