Poker Face

I've been having this feeling lately that I'm not allowed to say what I'm really thinking. Not that I believe my opinion has ever made much of a difference. If writing is my way of expressing then why do I feel like I'm hesitating? Why am I procrastinating? Why am I not saying the things I planned on saying? I've been using my job as an excuse that lack of time was the reason why I didn't write. Now, there are no excuses but I can't get back to basics. I can't focus on one main idea long enough for it to turn into something that I can build upon. I'm tired of wasting precious days without moving to the next phase. I have all of the tools and time I need to create the ultimate masterpiece. The only thing that is stopping me now is me. I will be the one thing that prevents me from getting what I am aiming for. I've been here before. I've sat at this very computer thinking of ways to decipher my own future, creating nothing out of thin air, putting down feelings into words I didn't know were there. Now, once again, I sit here with everything to gain and absolutely nothing to lose. So now I have to ask myself, what is stopping you? What stands between you and your goal this time? Which excuse will you use? How will you refuse more opportunities? Will you sit there and wallow in self pity? Will you leave the lock on the floodgates of your inner workings? Why now has it become so hard to put a few feelings into a few words? I've always known the darkness is where my best work derives from. It's not something I'm proud of it's a fact I've learned to accept about my style of writing. So maybe that's what's been bothering me. Am I just too happy to think of anything? I'll admit that I'm happy but that shouldn't be any reason to stop me from writing. The stories I wish to share still exist in the vast libraries of my history and past I'm just not ready to look back. I don't feel like I've come far enough away from the blast yet. I can only work on one thing at a time so I'm going to open up my heart and my mind to the one thing I can't stop thinking about. I'll tell our story 1st since it has the happy ending we've both been dreaming about. Then I'll work my way up from the beginning. I have my work cut out for me and I don't know if I'm full of the feelings or words I'll need to make things happen but I know procrastinating will never find out for me. If you want something done you've got to do it yourself. I need no help in being who I am or thinking of things to write. God gave me this gift and I will let it serve it's purpose. I'm all in. God's got my hand.