Combinations

I've got to get this off my treasure chest, unlock the secrets he has barricaded inside his head. Sometimes I feel as though all of my efforts are as good as dead. I'm willing to dive deep down to the bottom of the sea floor in search of a key or an unlocked door. I've never had to work this hard to prove the truth before. I might stay down there to drown rather than come up for one more breath of stale air. I want to know if I stand a real chance here so I must surface to face my fear. A fighter will never lay down and die but I'd prefer to be punched in the side rather than to just give up a good fight. I hate feeling like I don't know a thing. Ignorance might be bliss but not like this. I'd quicker bear to be proven wrong than to sit on the side and not know what is going on. What I've already been through is far worse than surviving a great white shark attack. I haven't come this far to relive the past. I didn't come back from the dead, crawl out of my grave and resuscitate myself to be murdered all over again. I feel blessed to have this life I'm in though I've been searching for the combination to a safe I found while I was buried 6 feet underground. I keep turning the dial round and round, passing over the numbers again and again, to the right then the left then back again. Countless combinations flying around my head. I can't put together the correct set of digits that will open the door to this cold steel box of secrets. I am unable to come up with the combination I've been searching for that will let me in and open the door. I have so many questions as to what lies inside but I can't come up with any more combinations that I haven't already tried. My brain is fried. My heart is fit to be tied. I try to do the very best I can but my best seems to fall short over and over again. Even when I think I'm getting close the clicks just aren't adding up and it remains closed. I'm becomming discouraged and feel like giving up. I want to throw this damn thing off of a bridge then maybe it will open up and let me in. I've never run in a marathon but I know what it feels like to drop the baton. I'll never find the right combination like this, I have to come up with a better tactic. I can't put up with being taken for granted. I can't give my all for nothing. My patience are wearing thin and I just can't win. I certainly don't deserve this. I deserve a beautiful golden chain for my charm. I should be given the code to his alarm. I should have a spare key on my ring. I should have been given a diamond ring after everything. I ask for these things but only in my imagination. I'd never bring these thoughts to the surface for oxygenation. I let them lay dorment at the bottom of the sea floor along with the missing key and unlocked door. I've given up searching anymore. I can't figure out the combination. The numbers will never add up to pop the lock. I give up. I'm throwing in the towel. For now. I want to stare into the stars and daydream about living in a different world. One with open hearts and no sharks. A world where love takes reign and precedence. A place without shame and judgement. I want to be remembered for all the times I've tried to get the combination right and not for all of the failed attempts for him to let me in. I'm put out so his safe remains sealed. There is no way his deepest darkest secrets will ever be revealed. If I were I boxer I would have been knocked out. If I were a diver a great white shark would've taken me out. If I were a runner I would've tripped and fell. If I were a locksmith I'd be fired by now. If I were an astronaut I'd be sucked into a black hole. If I were a treasure none of these thoughts would exist. All I want is to be let in. Maybe I should crawl back into my hole in the ground. I doubt anybody would even care, they'd probably throw dirt on top of me and leave me there. I guess certain locks don't have a key and some combinations weren't meant to be seen. My door is always unlocked. When ever you figure that out just knock!