Smile into my kiss

Fairy tale, movie endings. Love that has no limits. Believing without convincing. Loving without conditions. Does any of it really exist? Trust. Love. Enduring all. I want to find that in somebody. I want to sense your happiness, read it in the expressions on your face and see it in the intent of your eyes. I want to feel your smile meet my lips just before we kiss to signify your true bliss. I want to live in a trusting space. No lies. No deceit. Zero defeat. I want to win with you and I want you to win with me. Is fidelity too much to ask for these days? Why doesn't monogamy last? Did everyone forget that commitment and relationships go hand in hand? I don't ever want us to feel like we're missing anything. I don't want to be in a constant competition. I want you to listen. Learn what makes me tock. I want us both to be comfortable with opening up our coo-coo clocks. I care to always know where we both stand. I need you to hug me and hold me all the time and hold my hand. Kiss me on my cheeks and my forehead. Push my hair back away from my face, lead me in first when we go some place. Have impeccable taste. Do everything you say you'll do. Be everywhere you say you'll be. Be honest to yourself and to me. I want a stand up guy by my side. I want to be with some one who doesn't feel the need to lie. I want a God fearing man in my life who understands my love and commitment to Jesus Christ. A man who can throw insecurities aside. A man whose morals and values are high. You have your confident side. I want you to be mine. Prioritize me in your life. Be content in your life. I want us to be able to talk the tough situations out. To laugh and to cry out loud. Not scream or shout. Hold us down. Consult God first if you're beginning to doubt things. I want us to pray together, protect one another and respect each others' time and wishes. Support each others' dreams and help the other to acquire our most intimate desires. I want you to be willing to catch me if I should ever fall. I want to be the reason you stand so tall. I want us both to feel as though we have it all standing on top of the world, living fruitful atop of a cloud. Your kisses raining down on me day in and day out. The sound of your voice serenading me when I wake and as I drift in and out. The feeling is mutual. You could live without me. I could live without you. I'd prefer to live in our kiss where my smile meets your lips just before we kiss to signify my true bliss. Electricity flows from beneath our fingertips. Amazing gazing sends us on rocket ship trips. We live in our own universe. There is no such thing as a lost thought when it's just you and I; us. Love is definitely worth fighting for but love is not war. Always keep an open heart for more.         

FALLEN (7/18 & 7/19)

I fell so deep so fast. I couldn't see where I was falling to but I knew I was falling too fast. Not fast enough to lose all track of time but just fast enough to lose 1/2 my mind. I was spiraling downward at a tremendous pace. I had nothing to grab hold of in an ominous space. I thought if only I could brace myself before hitting the ground maybe I could salvage some piece of me to be found. I have nothing left. I've lost it all. There is no stopping this treacherous fall. I have no direction. I've lost total control over my own descent. The one thing left for me to do is repent. I've been falling so long that even if I call I'm afraid that God won't be able to hear me at all. In the very beginning prayer was all I had but I lost my foot hold and my debauchery began. Jesus is my hope and stay but what am I to do when I feel like he's abandoned me too? God is almighty. I know he can see me falling I know he hears me calling. I'm reaching out Father but there is just nothing to grab hold of. The farther away I fall the harder the truth hits. Am I really all alone in this? Is Satan really going to win? I'm screaming so loud now the sound is resonating within. Please God, come save me from this. I don't want Satan to win. My heart belongs to Jesus. My soul yearns to follow him home. Please don't allow me to continue to fall? In him I desperately want to be found. I'm tired of falling. I just want to be back on solid ground. Without hope, with no faith I know there no possible way I can be saved. God says have no fear but I can't help but to be afraid in here. Down, down, down still farther I fall. I keep wondering who will be there to catch me, if anyone at all. I don't want to die this way. I still can't believe this is happening to me. I don't want to accept this is the ending to my story. I want to believe in God's grace, mercy and glory. God come break my fall, Please? Send down my guardian angel to lend me their wings. I still love you with all of my broken heart. I want so badly to trust you but that is the most difficult part. I'm in agony and the pain grows with each passing day. I never imagined I could ever feel this way. I'm ashamed. The more I continue to struggle the faster I sink. I feel as though I'm existing in a nightmare now and I'll never wake from this hell. I feel as though nothing can break my fall. I've been falling so deep, so fast. I can't help but to question how much longer this will last. Father you are the only hope I've got left. I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know what else to ask you I've not already asked. I've made you aware of my pain. I've shown you my suffering. You've heard my prayers and my pleas. I gave you all of my fears and each and every single last one of my tears. I don't know how much further from you I can fall. I'm now stripped to the bone bearing my soul, Satan is ready and waiting to swallow me whole. I'm pleading with you now Father please come rescue my soul. Jesus said if I've accepted him into my heart that I am redeemed. He said you sent him to die on the cross for me so his blood would cover my sins and I'd be washed clean. He said I could ask you for anything. Right now I won't ask you for much. All I need is your reassuring touch. I belong wholly to you God. I still believe in your promises. Please lift me back up? Give me courage and strength. Renew my hope and my faith. Please lift my spirit high? I've fallen and without you Lord I can't get back up. 

This is a testimony. I wrote this piece while I was incarcerated and about 4 short hours after its completion, I was released from jail. God listens even when we don't feel like he does. I never stopped trusting in God's perfect plan for me. God works at his own pace, when we can learn to let go and truly put our fate in his hands, he always delivers on his promises. Thank you God for your grace, mercy and never ending glory. All praise be to you Lord. I love you Jesus and I love you God. Satan loses again. <3 nbsp="" p="">

Lucky Chalupas

I don't know where we're going but I know where we've been. Disappointed time and time again. Disaster prone, magnets for destruction. Trying to love through dense fog, shipwrecked from it all. Love sick and left for dead. Replays of what went wrong like a constant nightmare in our heads. I'm sad to say but quick to admit, she never cared and neither did he. We've been door mats, towel racks and the keys to broken locks. Our hearts squeezed like lemons to the very last drop. Our feelings kicked back and forth like rocks. We both were taught to love hard and give it all you've got. They drained us like sand in an hour glass, turned over and over again for fun. Our heart strings played until they became weak and popped. When I found you, you had nothing left to take and I had nothing left to give. We were both too weak to swim yet we both dove right in. You saved my life but I didn't want to be saved. So I gave you breath when you no longer cared to breathe. Still broken like dead branches on a tree. I caught you and you caught me. Your life in my life is priceless treasure in the sea. Two pearls in one oyster; you and me. I don't know where we're going but I know where we've been. We no longer have to be slaves to that sin. Our hearts torn and tattered have been renewed. The sadness that plagued our lives has been removed. This distance between us is in reality a bridge. You stand on one side while I wait at the other end. Once you finally reach me nothing can come in between us. The love we both lost we've replaced in each other's hearts. Some times in life in order to be full we must first experience emptiness, drained to nothingness. You and I are both far too familiar with loneliness. I no longer desire to be among the walking dead. Take my hand in yours once and for all. Let's walk hand in hand, side by side from now on. Whatever we endure from this point forward we won't have to face alone. God has known our suffering all along. With Jesus in our hearts he prepared us for one another. God has blessed us both beyond measure. We won't ever know where we're going but we will never forget where we've been. Two lost souls wandering among men, united in Christ, now re-enforced ready to take on the World, supremely blessed to the end. Running together toward the finish line we finally win. 

The Truth in Torture

The torture is not in the length of the days. It's not in the time that inches by. It's no different from one minute to the next. The torture is not knowing what is to come next. Not knowing where you are. Not knowing if you're safe. Not knowing where we stand. Not knowing you'll understand. Not being allowed to see your face or hold your hand. The torture is not knowing if you're suffering the way I am. I'm sorry I was impatient. I'm sorry we were ripped apart. When I was taken from you just know that with you remained my heart. I hope in some way you'll be comforted to know that I don't feel pain because in your hands my heart you hold. I feel no pain, I'm in no discomfort. I'm only bothered by not knowing if this will affect you in the long run. I know my actions have caused you harm. It's torture not knowing if the wounds will last long term. I want you to know that I'm sorry for what I've done. I'm sorry for what my actions have caused. My souls cries out to God each moment that passes. I know he sees our suffering and can only pray he is hastily taking action. Though it was my mistakes to have brought us here God has been kind enough to soak up every tear. It's torture to know I can't be there to comfort you when you cry. It's torture to go to bed alone every night. I used to believe that out of sight is out of mind but I can see your face every time I close my eyes. That is my peace among all of this chaos. It's torture not to be able to offer up my breast for you to lay on. The torture is not being able to be there for you now when you need me the most. Not being around to catch you when you fall. Not being able to kiss it and make it better. There are many things that right now are unknown. I do know that soon this nightmare will be done. God so loved the World he sent his only son. I trust that if Christ spilled his blood for love that I will make my way back to the heart that you hold. The love we share is stronger than any bond. Hold tight to my heart that you hold in your hands. I'm surviving through this torture because I know God has a perfect plan. He is mapping it out for me inch by inch, day by day. The torture in today is leading me through this tunnel. I am blind in this darkness yet there you stand with my heart. You are the light that will bring me out of the dark. Just hold on my love, we will be together again. The truth in the torture is not knowing how, why or when.