Update 2018

It's been a while since I've laced y'all up so I figured now is as good a time as any. I hope and pray every person who reads this jumbled junk is well in health. I realize there may or may not be people who read this blog that don't like me or have some type of ill feelings toward me and that's perfectly fine. I don't mind. I just don't understand why anyone would waste their precious time investigating the life of someone they don't really like. My plate is quite overloaded so I just can't imagine spending even one minute trolling someone who holds zero weight in my life. Like, what's the point? But that's a whole 'nother story I suppose but Hi! Since you wanna know what's going on in my life. :) I can say this, if we have never spent any time together, face to face, then you honestly can't say you know me. So you really shouldn't try to judge me. Either way, I appreciate the views and someday this will be published too. Road block after road block have prevented me from really working on any of my latest projects diligently enough to have made any significant progress. It will happen. Mark my words. I have at least two projects in the works. This book, "My Jumble" and a book about my 30 something days in custody, "Prayers for Building 12". Writing a book is a severely time consuming project, especially if you want to do it right. The 1st book I ever wrote is trash. I am glad I didn't pay an arm and a leg to market it. It's out there though, always and forever. An accomplishment I will always be proud of just don't boast about. Anyhow, enough with the veggies and potatoes, let's cut into the meat shall we? So, the last time I did an update, I was jobless, kid-less, homeless, penny less, love less, sinful, troubled, on the verge of roping myself up and jumping off, all of the above and nothing good. That being said, I am a survivor at my best. I stumble often and have fallen into holes too deep to climb out of but somehow and some way, I have always found my way back to my feet again. I have cheated death in a sense. I've been robbed but have been repaid. Life is not a game but I have had my fair share of pauses and stops, continues and saves, game overs and restarts. I'm hoping I have finally beat the boss and copped my trophy because frankly I am tired of playing. While we're on the subject I'm real tired of being played as well. I don't know where I've been or what Memo I missed but since when is every 20-40 something guy a piece of shit?? I mean it when I say I can't catch a break and I'm not sure if it's due to where I've been grazing or if it's just the types of guys I'm dating? Either way, they're no good. The selection is looking pretty bare. It's tragic really. All of the potentials are taken or too busy paper chasin' or they live too far or they're involved or they're just plain not interested in barking up my tree. Fine by me, I guess that means I just have to get used to being with me. Try something different. Focus. For once. Perhaps. Sorry, more on love later. I am happy to report I've been at my job for over a year and get paid pretty good. I got the kids back in July, I still live alone, just them and I. I am still in school. I am in my Master's Program for Psychology, taking classes online. I'm enjoying the experience. So far, so good. I haven't been this financially stable ever, so there's that. I love my little car but I know I have to get something bigger. I have been pulled over twice, the 1st time I got away with my life and the 2nd time I wasn't so lucky but at least I wasn't drinking. I'll leave that alone. Overall, we're good. My kids are happy, I am in a good place. We try to go to church and pray as much as we can. I have really great friends and my mom's support. Me and Baby-D aren't on speaking terms but that's no surprise, he's married now and expecting his 7th child. I wish him the best I just prefer to keep my distance. As for his relationship with our kids, that's fully up to them. I have nothing to do with that. They're all old enough to pick up the phone now so he has no excuse to hit my line. I don't want to jinx myself as usual, so I won't touch very much on this but I will say that I met somebody. He's something else, like from a different time. I'm invested is all I will say. Y'all know I like to leave you guessin! :) I have learned plenty of hard lessons over the last 3 years. For now, I am good and that's my God honest truth. I'll leave you for now, stay tuned for what is to come. I am nowhere near done. Listening for the trumpet sound but I'm focused now, with my ten toes on the ground. I wish the best to all of you, even if you don't toss it back. That's straight. Take care! Be good. Keep dreaming. Keep loving. Keep praying. Live your own story the way you want to. Don't take any shit from anyone trying to tell you any different. Kiss your babies and your significant others. Make time for yourself and your hobbies. Get money. Strive. Thrive. You're alive. Live your best life!

love, hugs, kisses, and with all that I am... I love you writing, my one and only true love. You will always keep me honest and for that I am eternally grateful.

XOXO From your local XOXO Supplier
-Linds aka TxMolasses aka TxPiece aka TxToast
You love me but I love you most!   

My Mister What If..

Good morning. Welcome to a brand new day. Welcome to the rest of our lives. What if I were to tell you that all of my pain has faded away in just one night? What if I were to say that today I am ok? What if I told you it was all because of you? What would you say? What would you do? Would you tell me you felt the same? You wiped away the pain and wrung it out like a wet rag. In just a day you turned the dark into light. There is something about you I am unable to explain and for once in my life that is ok. What if I told you I am at peace? What if I said to you, I feel at ease? What if I told you I believed that God placed us right here where we need to be? What would you say? Do you feel the same way? This instant bond is the truth. I can't lie because I feel it too. What if I told you I knew why? What if I said that it was our faith in Jesus Christ? Would you agree? Do you feel the pull too? The night you prayed with me on the wire changed my life forever. What if I said you have changed my mind? What if I told you I am all in? Will you take my hand? Can we ride this wave together, hand in hand to see where we land? I think I love you already. What if that is true? What if I've gone through so much pain to find you? You make the future look like a big plate of hope. Our paths have converged. We have merged two lives into one. Your life is no longer your own and mine is no longer mine, we have begun. I love the rising sun. I look forward to my dreams, seeing your face. You replaced my sadness with anticipation. You said you are patient, can you teach me? Take me as I am and I promise to do the same. Where our pasts crumble to dust, our future is being built in the empty space. What if I said I believed God paved the way? We went from swimming in a fish bowl to diving into the ocean in a matter of moments. You see into my soul without having ever looked into my eyes. We may have stumbled upon a hidden treasure. Last night I gave you my heart and you gave me yours. That's better than any ring. I don't need your promises when you make me feel so confident. The possibilities are falling from the sky like billions of rain drops. I want you to know I'm soaking you up like a sponge. I want to make this work like two D batteries.  You've charged me up. My tank is full. Let's go on this joy ride and make a few pit stops in love. Road trippin' into our new life together. We are in a fairy tale, just you and I. God's divine design. Mister what if, What if I told you that what if is the perfect way to begin our beginning? Turn the page, kick up your feet and let's keep reading. 

Sand Box

This has gotten so out of hand. I have spent an obscene amount of time pining over a man who cares not if I lay dead in a grave. What is the dysfunction in my head? Can someone please explain it to me? Can any body save me from me? My wires are obviously crossed at the base of my core. I need to be ripped open and reprogrammed. Maybe I just need a few shots of something cool in my cup? I need to just stop. I wish I knew how. If it were that easy I would have just stopped by now. Yet, here we are. Addicted to lyrics. Avoiding the truth. Evading the energy. Ignoring one another like we're two little kids in the park. I am at my wits end. I'm sick of putting up with this mess. I no longer know what to do with myself. It's a disgusting display of self decay. I'm just rotting from the inside out trying to figure him out. Though there in nothing to figure out because he tapped out. This, whatever this is, ended long ago. It ended that day he stepped out of my car like, what.. 10 fucking months ago!!! Geeze! Something is terribly wrong with people like me. I'm holding onto a bunch of nothingness. I talk to strangers thinking it will fill the void. I walk around with a pageant worthy fake smile plastered across my red stained lips. I miss your fingertips on my skin. Fuck, Fuck! Nope. No I don't. Don't go there Linds. I take that back. I want to scratch your back... Dammit, No. No I don't. Not again, the flashbacks attack like angry fire ants. Which by the way I am deathly allergic to. I am allergic to missing you. It's making me ill. I want to scratch the memories out. They're so few and far between that I have a hard time understanding how they're still so vivid. I can't sit still. I can't focus on myself. I hate you. I love you. I want someone else. I want you. I am one loose screw away from falling completely apart. But I have my shit completely together. I am an anomaly that can't be described. I am rare. You said it yourself. Crazy, maybe. Ok, yes, definitely! We all know this. Have you read the past 7 years of what's been floating around in my head? I'm dead. I'm alive. I'm happy. I'm depressed. I'm a bum. I'm a success. I'm in love. I'm a slut. I love God. Does he love me back? I'm hot. I'm cold. I'm on a psycho roller coaster from hell. I can't stop the Merry Go Round! I can't dismount the see saw. You lured me into a beautiful nightmare and now I can't wake up. You kicked sand in my eyes sitting in the sand box with me because I stole your toy and pissed you off. Now we hate each other? But we can't stand not playing together anymore. You miss me. I miss you more. What the fuck is wrong with us? We are grown ups. Aren't we? You are so far gone I don't even know you anymore. Not that I ever did. I on the other hand, still exist. Somewhere in the distant memories you try so hard to forget when you're leaving the gym at 5 am and standing alone in the shower reminiscing on my ass peaking out from beneath my over sized wife beater making my bed we just left. Oh yes, you so badly regret ever fucking with me but you did and now it's part of your past you can't ever erase. I know you're over it. You don't know me either. Not that you ever did. We're just strangers now. Just what you asked for. With diligence you managed to get your way. Or hers I should say. So stop thinking of me then because I can feel it when you do and when you get that feeling it's because I'm thinking of you too. Intuition doesn't lie. I know when I am on your mind, so stop it because I'm losing mine. Please, because you thinking of me isn't healthy for either one of us. You're so good at lying to yourself. Keep it up. This is what you want. I'm gone. I'm the ghost now. We're not unicorns anymore. We are ghastly apparitions begging to cross over. For the record, I will take a page from your book and lie to myself every day too til I'm dead and tell myself I'm over it. I'm over you. I don't like you. I never want to see you again. I'll never bug you again. The noisy cricket has been silenced. I squashed her with the heels you love so much. I won't ask for your help when my car breaks down. I won't think of you when I'm sleeping naked beneath your shirt. I'm good. I'm straight. I'm happy. I'm great. I promise to pretend like I'm done. I quit. I took it too far. This shit has gotten way out of hand. I will remind myself every day to just stop it awready. I drew a line in the sand. 

Fractures

When you suffer from a deep open wound, how do you stop the bleeding? Apply pressure. Suffocate the source. When a fragile bone breaks, how do you fix it? Reset it. Give it time to mend itself. Think of anything other than the pain. Mind over matter they say. But what about a shattered heart? What's the cure for that? I'm tired of neglecting my God given right to be ok. So very tired of being sad every day. Unable to understand how and why I still miss his face. I've been cut deep enough times to know I can survive anything. I have more power than I think. I am stronger than I lead myself to believe. I am smarter than I give myself credit for. I am more beautiful than my eyes will allow me see. I am loved an immeausurable amount that I can't conceive. I know all of these things yet I still have doubt. I still feel weak. I still question my capabilities. I still feel ugly and unloved. I am alone and that is my truth. I live and breath and eat and drink and wake and sleep in being lonely. I know I am not alone. I know the time spent on better things to better me is worth the effort I put in. I stay on the fence of sad and happiness. I want to move along with everyone else. I want to see my goals displayed on a shelf. I want to be ok with living with myself. I want to be happy with just being me. I know I don't need anybody. It doesn't change that it'd be nice to see somebody else in my bed every night. How long should you hold on to hope for the impossibilities that sit marinating on the back burner? Is there a statute of limitations for when to give up on love? When the bleeding finally stops and the bone is all healed up, what do you say to the heart?      

PSALMS 147:3

Magnify

Torturous is time fragile in the mind like persecution of the Messiah.
Relentless thoughts plaguing peaceful serenity like waves of an unpredictable sea.
Precious memories roll like home movies on the screens of the back of eyelids. 
Aging is imminent. 
Pain is inevitable.
Mistakes are keepsakes for the teachable.
Lives are merely moments sewn together in a patterned quilt of the past and present. 
Fortunate fate does not discriminate time nor place. 
Mayhem descends on the innocent like death does the unexpected. 
Feelings will fluctuate.
People will lose their way. 
Love is an indelible scar upon the heart that can't be undone or changed. 
Forgotten friendships float off in the sky never to be seen again like balloons with broken strings.
Ironic is how brokenness finesses the kindhearted and hardens the heart.
Flamboyant lies pacify the intuition of speculative minds.
Disappointment fades.
Lessons pass through generations.
Certain inalienable truths will always call out abuse.
Overwhelming sadness sweeps the foundation of humanity like a sandstorm smothering every body.
Joy jumps around never to be tied down because temptation is much too powerful.
Born sinners walk aimless amidst the saved unable to understand what life means. 
Every beginning has an end. 
From every end will a new beginning begin. 
Life is a window of opportunity that will open and close according to the changes of the season.

Heart Pillow

I've been sitting here for hours trying to recall happier times but the inspiration evades me. I'm so tired of writing about my perpetual sadness. I wanted to write about something happy to try and pull  myself out of whatever slump I'm in. All I could come up with was my dad. That just made me more sad. It'll be 12 yrs on the 2nd of February since he took off to a better place. I haven't cried about him in years but for some reason, lately I've caught myself holding back the tears. My kids deserve to know who he is. Of all the people in the World, God chose to take the person I counted on the most. I was warned about leaning too hard on people but I mean, if you can't lean on mom and pop, what else have you got? I learned that lesson better than anyone else that you can't depend on anyone unless you're prepared to get the rug pulled from beneath your feet. Life has a funny way of making it seem like everything is going great, then WAM!!! Life says, "Nope! Think again." On a random Thursday evening, the only life line you have suddenly gets called to the sky and just like that they're gone for the rest of your life. If that's not some pain then I don't care to know what is. I have 5 kids that deserve so much more than what I can give. I try my best but it's nowhere near enough. Part of me feels like if they had their Pappy, life wouldn't be so sucky. I know of anybody, he would've been an active participant in raising them. That truth digs so deep into my soul I get chills down to my core. There isn't much more to be said about it, other than I miss him today just as much I did that day. I think about you everyday pop. I miss your laugh. Your smile. Your advice and the way you could always make me feel safe even when the situation was precarious. No man will ever compare to the love you gave to me. You took my heart to heaven with you when you left, I hope you use it as your pillow while you rest. Maybe that's why I'm so messed up and don't feel like I am capable of love. Life has sucked everyday since you left. I miss you so much. Only God knows to what lengths I would go for just one more of your hugs. I feel like a failure without your approving nod. Sometimes I don't know what life is worth if I can't share my successes with you. I know you're sleeping sound. I think I'll probably shed a tear or two tomorrow for you because the pain is still so real. I can't believe it's been 12 years. I know some day I will be given the opportunity to see you again and maybe then we can set aside some time to catch up. I miss you and I love you Pop. 

FOR MY DADDY 

DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS SHERRILL 5/27/1962 - 2/2/2006 

WATCHING OVER ME ALWAYS