...and left no friendly drop. To help me after...

I must have sucked all the joy out of the cloud you love so much. I never see you around there anymore. I apologize for ever stepping foot into your life. I don't regret what you brought to mine but I do regret what I took from yours. I can't fix that now. There is no going back to being cool anyhow. All that's left are ashes from the bonfire we lit with stolen matches and furiously stoked once upon a time, not too long ago. I give credit where credit is due but I don't believe you do. I don't miss you, but only miss you with me. It's ok if you don't understand what that means. You're a different person, now I see. We went from strangers to lovers in just one night. Then from lovers back to strangers in the blink of an eye. Part of me died right along with your fake feelings around that time. Never had I cried so hard over someone I never called mine. You were the best mistake I could've made, and so was I. If learning from our mistakes is a thing, I guess we screwed up that opportunity to learn something. By the way, Congratulations on the "new" you. I'm so happy for you. Thanks for inspiring me to let the darkness leak from my fingertips. It doesn't hurt so badly anymore. Perhaps my train wreck will provide a cautionary tale for others to view. I pray the carnage, the blood, and the gore I've exposed will alert people of how badly a person can be hurt by messing around where they don't belong. I'll never ever be the me you met, but neither will you. We will always keep those people locked deep within our hearts, forever. The truth is that whatever we were is just a memory now. If I must admit the truth about you, this is what I'd have to say. Thank you for insisting on driving me home the night I puked even though I didn't let you. Thanks for the shirt. I'll always remember the familiar tap of your fingers on my bedroom window. I'll never forget the view of your car parked in my spot during our 4 am rendezvous. I'll cherish the memory of your face asleep on my pillow case. I'll never regret cooking for you. I'll never regret sleeping in your "sleep number" bed, running my fingers through your hair, or kissing you on your forehead. I'll always remember the way you washed my hair. Thank you for the breakfast you cooked and the care you took. No matter for how long, you made me feel special at the time and I will always have that. It's all just a dream now isn't it. That's how I will choose to remember you, at your best and at mine. You almost had me fooled by the way you made me feel special then but now I know that's not the real you. The real you will forever remain a mystery in my mind. You'll always be just a book I removed from the shelf of my heart's library. I read your brief synopsis then placed you back with everything you are and all that you lack. Your story couldn't hold my attention. Now I am quite disinterested in your ending. Maybe once in a while we can have a drink in my dreams, catch up, and rehash the good times and memories. For now, I say to you my good sir, so long and best wishes on all of your future endeavors. 

Be careful of those whose heart strings you play, and whose mind you enter but do not wish to stay. 

xx 
-Trouble  

Green grass

I watched you go. I knew it was over then. It hadn't been the 1st time to see you leave. Everyone said I did the right thing. They said to be strong. At first I thought I was, as strong as a tree trunk, until I figured out I was just a stump. My roots were rotted beneath the surface. Much like the love that lingered in my heart for you. The toxins had to be removed. I turned to drugs and alcohol to flush the feelings out. I turned to countless nobodies, and handsome faces to remove the leftover traces of poison in my veins. The damage was done. All that was left was desolate emptiness. God shed many tears for my sadness. Nothing ever happened. It was a challenge neither one of us were ever prepared to face. You sought solace in her face. You let her take you away. You lied and said it never meant a thing. Yet, years passed and she slept sound in your bed. You allowed her to heap coals upon my head. You never stood up to our adversities. You could not admit defeat. You let her be your strength when you were weak. God was not the one you'd seek. How does it feel now? To have lost everything. They no longer seek your favor. Your love holds no weight here. Now someone else dwells in your lair. Pity on the poor thing who wipes your tears as you weep. I'm pretty sure you haven't deleted those lost files yet. You're too poor of heart to restart. You're always focused on your back-up plan, instead focusing on what you hold in your hand. You never were good at letting go of the past. You live in this imaginary world of truths untold but those closest to you know. Someday, your past mistakes will catch up to you and stare you dead in your face. There will surely be a moment in your life when you realize the damage you left behind in your wake. I will be nowhere to be found when your knees hit the ground and you beg the Lord for forgiveness of your sins. That, my old friend is between you and him. 

God bless.  

My Pain

Don't apologize after the fact. Don't attack me just because I react. Just like everyone, I have a breaking point too. I am human just like you. You can't blame me for expecting things when you do the exact same thing. Don't play the victim, neither one of us are innocent. If I'm being honest, neither one of us deserves this. Not all things were meant to be, maybe we were one of them. Our paths crossed. We came, we saw. Now it's time to move on. I can't pretend that this doesn't hurt anymore. I can't see you and not want more. We need to go our separate ways. Our directions are not the same. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to wallow in pity. I'm tired of the reruns playing in my memory. I need closure. I need space. I need change. I need something different. I need to cash in on my one way ticket and never look back. I am so over feeling like my feelings don't matter. Like my pain can't be cured. Like all my life has ever been is one huge disaster. I've been holding onto so much lately, my knuckles are bloody. I am beyond frustrated trying to convince myself I deserve better than this. No one should go through this. No one should have to deal with the weight of the World. No one should feel like they have no body. Despite my faith, I am desperate for a healthy outlet. I thought I was mad but it turns out I'm just sad. Somehow the things I try to convince myself always come undone. I end up hanging by a thread. I am in constant fear of falling. The worst part is I can't see what's below me. It's terrifying. I need you to grab me, pull me to safety. Hold me close to your chest and tell me it's ok. If I can't convince myself, perhaps you can do a better job. I know I have been given another chance. One last attempt to do things right. No more fear. No more tears. No more insecurities. No more poor choices. I want to move with confidence. I yearn to feel safe. I want to belong to someone who knows all of these things so I don't feel like I need to explain when I have a bad day. Look into my eyes and comfort me with your breath. I don't need words, I need worth. I don't want to be alone anymore.