Post Mortem

Ouch. Oooooh yea girl. Show them your pain. Let it pour out of you like acid rain. Yea, them words sting don't they? I've forgotten my hidden talent. I've seem to forgotten what I'm good at. So many of them would love to see you in pain so let them in. Is this what all of you wanted?? I'm still alone. Still single. I'm still sad about my dad. I still have 5 kids to raise on my own. Nothing has changed. I'm just grown. I'm still the same ol fuck up from before. Not like many of you can say something different. If any of you have made it big, I haven't seen or heard it yet. Why was it always a competition? Oh yea, because most of you wanted to be who my baby daddy was sticking his dick in. Right. Pardon my memory. I smoke alot of weed. Yep. Thats right. I'm still the same ol me. Bitch. What did you think?? I was gna be rich? Gna find me a nice Christian husband?? Get fake tits, and an ass, and lots of liposuction. Well I'm not you bitch. None of you putos would've survived this long in my place. That's why I'm still here. Writing out all my dirt for the world to see and hear. Still too numb to ever give a fuck. I'm not afraid of me. Yea maybe I don't like that bitch so much right now but you putos still come check her out. So she must be doing something right. Right?? Or else you look dumb as fuck. Checking up on old garbage can that's been taken out. Sorry to disappoint you all. There is nothing new to see here at all. I'm still the same ol lonely lump of pain after all these years. Still shedding tears. Still that bitch who makes us all sick. The hoe you love to hate because you know I could suck your man's dick. Hahaha. Sorry that one made me laugh. Only cus you trix know it's true. Guess you can turn hoes into housewives. Girl, I see you! But you can never turn a player into a punk. I'll never stop. You bitches know what's up. 

Wild animal rescue

I just wish it would all go away. The pain. I wish I could wash it away with warm water like a fresh blood stain. I'm in so much pain. It's gushing through my veins. I hate that I gave you so much power over me. I hate that I allow you to make me weak. I can't think. I can't eat. I just want to move on. I want to be done. I don't want to see you in my head so much. I don't want you to exist in my memories' Playlist either. I wish I could just make it all disappear. I wish you were never here. I wish it was all just one huge fucking nightmare. One big correctable mistake. I'm so afraid of what I'll build up just to lose next. I was strong in my solitude. I used to be content in my loneliness. I was oblivious in my sadness and tragedy. You took that away from me. You gave me false hope, false reason to believe. I can't believe I fell so fucking hard this time around. What is wrong with me? Always falling for a breeze. Here one minute, gone the next. When will it not be just about sex? When will I learn my lesson? When will it be enough with the self-destruction? I try and try and try to convince myself I love me. I try to be someone I'd want to meet. I try to make myself believe that I'm worthy of something. Anything. But it's all just a bullshit facade. I'm nothing. It's clear to me. It's the only thing I believe. I used to know that. I had accepted it after the last. Stephen was no fkn picnic to get over. Now I'm in more pain than ever. Of anyone I have to lose I never wanted it to be you. I tried to warn you from the start. It's not your fault. I didn't stop your advances. I risked my chances. I rolled the deiss. Now I've lost it all. I played when I should've paused. That's the story of my life. I'm just an "Oopsie" for you. And you're just another guy I foolishly fell in love with. Don't try and make it something that is isn't. None of this would've ever happened if I would've treated you different. I'm the one who should've said No. But I don't care enough about myself to know when to say No. I'm selfish. I'm trouble. I'm impatient. I need to be alone. I need to have hoes. I can't let myself get swept up in emotion. Not with one man. It's not my disposition. You've failed me and your mission. There was never anything about me you were fixing. I'm a venomous viper who struck you once. You fell victim to my venom as the poison coarsed your blood. You were in a toxic indused stuper. Hopefully I sucked out all of the poison before returning you safely to your own abuser. You're not welcome here in my lair. Stay where you belong, with the nicer, normal folk, away from the wild, rabid, venomous killers like me. I need closure. Stay in your own enclosure. It won't be like this forever. A few more months and you'll forget me all together.

SPF 30

It was the fkn sunburn dude. There were many things leading up to that point but that tipped the scale for me. Here are all of the things you don't know and I'm going to try my best to explain things I feel you have no understanding of. First of all I'm sorry. I deeply and sincerely apologize for many things. The first being that I didnt give you a hug. I'm sorry for how much pain this has caused us both. I have to be ugly and cold to you because it's my only defense mechanism against you. I have to shut it off. 1. She'll never take care of you the way I can. That bothers me more than you can understand. I can't really explain that one to you. That's one though. I've never been married. I've also never been with one person for 20+ years. I do know I can't stand around watching you beat a dead horse for the next ten years. If something in me thought I could, its gone and now I realize I can't. It's not my place to say if you two are broken beyond repair or not but I know you're not happy and neither is she. It's hard to watch from my perspective. Then again, What do I really know? That's 2 and a prelude to 3. Two being the fact that I don't want to be a third wheel to your relationship anymore or sit here alone trying to speculate whether you two are still into each other or not. 3. I don't really know you. Wait. Let me explain. How well can you really get to know someone without spending time with them? In the time we've spent compiled together, it's grains of sand compared to the beaches and oceans of time you have spent with her. I don't know you. She does. That hurts me. That's also 4. I find myself constantly comparing myself to her. I'm not her. I'll never have with you anything close to what you two share. So, let me catch you up so far. Pain, pain, pain, and more pain for Me. Let's move forward. 5. You're never around when I need or even just want you there. The convenience for you turned into me feeling very used and often neglected. When you walk out that door, my heart hurts. You have so much on your plate whereas I'm left with myself. My thoughts. I don't have a life to go back to. You leave me in mine, right in my loneliness everyday to wait for you to come back. Sounds alot like a little bitch puppy to me. Is that what I am to you? There's more. But let me get into the fkn sunburn. The trigger. The catalyst. You more than anyone should be able to understand our time is limited therefore precious. We don't like to muddy it up with anything but love and laughter and smiles and well let's face it the best sex ever. Especially Monday sex. I miss you when I don't see you so Mondays are especially important. Now, you also know I don't have a father or lots of family and you [I hope] understand how much that shit hurts me. I hate most holidays because of the lack of family I have. Again, pain. The shit with my pops, my bro, my cuz, my people in GA, the shit I go through with BbDd. You see it 1st hand. I know you do. You see how bad it fucks me up. So, from my point of view, this is what I see. You leave me and my kids to go have a weekend out with your wife and kids and family and friends for Mother's day. Did you ever consider for once how that makes me feel? You go out and get wasted as you put it. You obviously had a great time. You talk about your boat and your truck and this and that. All your cars, your toys, your chair. You always tell me about the very things Ill never be privy to. Ever. Then.. You get this nasty fucking sunburn. Which by the way [AND PAY ATTENTION HERE BECAUSE THIS WAS THE TRIGGER FOR OUR DEMISE RIGHT HERE. READY] if you were my man, I'd slather that shit on you like a baby. I'd never allow for that to happen to you in my presence because I care that much about your health, well being and comfort. PLUS, Hell-the-fuck-O Nigguh, how tf am I suppose to make sweet love to you when you're wincing in pain. Don't give me bullshit about it not hurting. Or any other dumbass excuse. Sunscreen is probably one of THE MOST important ingredients to a happy healthy life. Jesus. Ok. So are you at least beginning to understand a little bit now of how or why I could get so worked up literally over night? I wasn't even done yet. This is a pattern of Ick by now. Can you not see what this is doing to me? I can't keep up with the infractions so I have no choice but to throw in the towel. The fkn sunburn just made me realize how much you don't belong to me. How you don't let anyone care for you the way they should. And that hurts worst of all. Maybe you are the problem. Maybe she does try to love you right but you're just too damned stubborn to let her. Sound familiar? Yea. But this show has an ending so let's get to it. To continue 5, the sunburn and the stories just solidified how much I'm not part of your life. How easy it is for you to go live your life and dot me in when it's convenient for you. Have you ever thought of it like that? Thats how I see it now. It hurts. 6. She loves you. She fights for you. She works for you. She tries. It'd be different if she didn't. You don't hold her transgressions against her and thats a beautiful thing. But then it directly contradicts us. You'll never stop. And you'll never leave her. I'm tired. I'm in so much pain. I'm flooded in it. You can't be my only source of joy anymore. And I can't be the source of her insecurities, suspicions, or pain anymore. 7. My own pain is pulling me away from you. I know you love me in your own way. But we can both feel the pull when we're not putting it all in. It's become too much for me to compete with. If I'm not working toward being with you then what is it all for? We don't even talk like we used to because we shy away from sensitive topics that involve emotions. I'd never want to become someone you have to lie to or walk on eggshells for. The reason we could never have this conversation in person is because I melt in your eyes. I'd never get half of this crap out without becoming a puddle at your feet. You'd convince me there was another way. You'd try to hold me. You'd want to wipe my tears away. You'd call me on the bullshit that this is what I'm ok with. Of course this isn't what I want but it has to be this way. I have to be mean and cold and ugly. So you can go back to being content with how things were before we ever met. Look at it this way. 11 months is easier to erase than 20+ years. You and her are dreads, you and I were loose pigtails. My own feelings for you have grown beyond my control. 8. It bothers me now to think about someone else touching you, getting your time and attention and affection. I also feel like you're either already sleeping with someone else or want to. And I'm jealous and I can't take the attention you show to all those girls. I can't shake the fact that someday you'll replace me. All of these things bother me and they shouldn't. There's more but hopefully you get the jist. That's mostly it. My best bet is to fold. Walk away while I'm ahead. While we both are. It's the hardest thing which is how I know it's the right thing. When she leaves you, look me up. I still have a place for you. Please wear sunscreen now, SPF 30 and yes, reapply it. Get the spray. Non stick, sweat proof. If you take anything away from our love affair please let it be that you wear fkn sunscreen. Take care you. Pluto Puto.