It's your choice

Four short years ago my life was so different. I was unhappy, lost in a sense, unknowing of where my life was headed or how I was going to get there. Now, 4 long years later I am the happiest I've ever been, I have begun a relationship with my one and only true God and now I am aware where my life is headed and what it will take to get me to where I want to be. I've cut ties with any anchors I was dragging along. I'm still working through some painful experiences but with the Lord by my side I know I can put it to rest for good. I will not allow my past to hinder my future. God brought me out of a volatile situation and delivered me to safety. I've been studying the book of Job in the bible and through Job's story I've been strengthened in knowing that suffering is a part of life. We should never question why it is that we suffer but instead we should ask How we should be suffering. I've learned that no matter how upright a person is with the lord that they too may suffer and experience turmoils. Job never turned on God or took his anger out on God. He was strong in his faith even though he wanted to die. His suffering was greater than anything I've ever been through and yet I have the nerve to question God. Slowly but surely I've learned that our lives are not for us. The sole purpose of life is to serve God and to do it with grace and joy. God wants us to be happy, yes, but the way in which we strive for happiness is not the right way. True happiness can only be attained by serving the Lord and serving him in gladness. God also asks us to love and care for others. He asks us to forgive and have mercy on those who transgress against us and those who we feel have wronged us. I believe that each person is on their own journey. Even though I've been through trials and tribulations of my own, I don't blame God or anyone else for that matter. I've learned that it was the choices I made that took me through the things I went through. It took me a while to realize that God was with me the whole time but never once did I call on him. In those times when I was struggling the most I know now I should have called on God. Instead I tried resolving my problems my own way which only ever led to more suffering. God is always there but we don't always call on him. Now that I'm older and have begun to inquire about God's love and am pursuing a relationship with him through his son Jesus I've noticed prominent changes in my life. Not to say I don't go through hard situations or that I haven't struggled but it is easier to deal with things now when they don't necessarily go according to plan. I know that in my lowest times I can call on God. I know that I'm not alone and when I feel the World bearing down on me I can pray. Being in a relationship with God is hard. It's hard because as human beings we live with our sinful nature day in and day out and it's hard to always choose the high route. We are programmed to retaliate when we are attacked. We want to believe we are in control of our own destinies. When someone treats us or someone we love poorly, it's natural to want them to suffer as much if not more than they've made us suffer. I used to be the queen of tit for tat. I used to harbor old feelings and had a stock pile of ammunition ready just in case anyone wanted to come at me. It seemed like I was always in confrontation and continually putting myself in situations that surrounded me with drama and mess. I'm telling you now folks, leaving that lifestyle behind was the best decision I've ever made in my whole life. Walking away from fights and holding my tongue in pointless arguments changed the outcome many times. Forgiveness is easier said than done. I still have issues and I still have questions. I still cry. I still curse. I still have trouble treating people who are mean to me with kindness. I am having major issues with forgiveness. The beauty is that we have unlimited access to the Bible which has all the answers I'll ever need. God is there for me in my struggles. He will be there for you too if you pursue him. Don't end up lost. To pursue happiness is to pursue God. He loves us all and is a very loyal God, he just wants our love and loyalty in return. It all begins with a choice. Yours. 

Unjumble my Jumble

I can't collect my thoughts lately, they're all scattered and flying around my head crazy. My jumble hasn't been this jumbled yet. There is so much going on it's hard to focus on one thing. If thinking was a juggling act my thoughts would be the balls. I can't give any one thing my full attention at all. I'm distracted. I'm clumsy. I'm anxious. Counting down minutes on the clock wishin they could speed up. Usually so well spoken I'm stumbling over my words like a toddler over blocks. I can't put a finger on how I feel but I know It's not fear. I feel like a small child waiting in line to take a swing at the pinata. I just want my turn to be blindfolded, spun around and let loose to give it my best shot. My nerves are shot. I probably need a shot. I can't say that if I swung right now I'd hit my mark. Feels like I'd be swinging in the dark. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm sleepy. I need someone who actually wants to help me. Where is he at? When is he coming back? Will my thoughts have all dropped out of my head and been scattered on the ground by the time he comes around? If waiting were a game I would have already taken 1st place. I'm tired of playing this waiting game. I'm a retired player. Have prayed countless prayers. My knight in shining armor is right around the corner. He has to gas up and refuel first. Once he shows up there won't be any more wanting to give up. He will be next to me to help fix things when they get messed up. I won't have to take care of everything alone anymore. I will finally have a partner worth fighting for. A man who will love me for me and build a life with me happily. One who won't run when things get tough. One who is strong enough to handle my love. One day we will sit together and I will let him sift through my junk. He can rewire my entire head and finally put all my jumble to rest.       

Stuff I needed to hear

I'm not old but I'm wise. I'm not seasoned, I'm experienced. I may not always make the right decision but I make the best choices for me. I am not to be judged. I am not to be criticized. I was not put on this earth for you. Sometimes we can't always control our emotions, actions or reactions. It's not the easiest thing in the world to display kindness when you're angry or show empathy when you're content. Not all things are meant to be understood and sometimes even when things are understood they can be misinterpreted. I'm not too young or stupid to know that we certainly can't control the emotions, actions or reactions of others. If it's complicated controlling your own emotions than we can consider it an impossibility to control those of others. All we can truly do for ourselves and others is to love God. When you open yourself up to the love and light of God he displays that love and light to others through you. As easy as that sounds it's still possible to lose your light and fall into the dark side. Being polite isn't always on the menu. We don't always run to God when he is calling. In fact it's quite the opposite. In the most challenging and troubling times when we should be running toward and calling on God we instead turn away from him and shut out his love and glory. It's hard to understand why we do the things we do, say the things we say, feel the way we feel but it's a human thing. Something we all have in common with each other. Feelings. Deep rooted, grown up feelings. It's so hard to keep a steady grip on the gun, finger on the trigger, without firing off a shot. I can't speak for anyone else but I like firing a weapon. It feels good. Makes me feel powerful and in charge. In control. Control. What is it about having control that drives us to make choices that aren't beneficial for anyone? I say let go of the gun. Put it down. Run from it and run to God. God is more powerful than any piece of steel or hot, flesh piercing bullet. Think before you react. Attempt in some way to harness your emotions and slow down to logically explore your options before reacting to a situation that might not even warrant a reaction at all. Leave the gun at home. Tuck those mean and nasty thoughts and feelings away in a little lock box and toss it in the trash where it belongs. We are not to harbor those types of things because they will fester and breed. Instead use the power of prayer to get them out of your mind and heart. If you want something you have to ask. The simple principles we were taught as children are it. Treat others how you want to be treated. Be kind and polite. Help others. Care for others. Be honest and trustworthy. Reliable and responsible. Love. Love more. Love hard. Love even if means you get hurt. Life is a journey and we have to navigate it as we go. Taking wrong turns is a part of it all. Even still we can get off track, get turned around and lose our way. Life will never be a perfect display of how you envision it in your head. People will never behave according to how you think they should. We need not ask why it is we suffer but instead how we should be suffering when we do. Trust God. Love him. Endure any and everything that comes your way with grace. Life is not a race, it's not a paper chase. It isn't in your face. God will provide all we have to do is ask. And at last, God is the only one who can judge. The rest is up to us.

UKRAINE I see you!

Shout outs to the Ukraine! 20 views in less than a week. Preciate that! I hope ya'll enjoy the crazy stuff I write. I am working on turning this blog into a book so if anyone is interested in that just stay tuned. The details for that will definitely be on here when it's in the works. It's surreal to think that there are folks out there around the World who have an interest in me. You guys/gals are awesome and I could only wish for your continued interest and support. :)  
спасибі

Flying Kites

This life of mine has lost it's mind. I've taken a turn for a destination unknown. A midst something I've wanted for so long I can't help but to feel like this song has been sung. It never crossed a single thought that one day I would wake up and want something else. I'm beginning to doubt everything I've ever felt. I see some of the same red flags that were there before. There is no infallible way to know this thing we have is real. Is there anything wrong with me for feeling how I feel? Why now am I having these feelings? I am on the brink of getting everything I thought I ever wanted and now I don't know if I want it at all. I want to be 100% sure or more and I want the same in return. I want to have the same end goal with who I am planning on sharing my soul. I want all of the focus in our relationship to be on God. Why is it so hard for people to trust and understand that without God in their life nothing will ever be right? I've tried doing things my own way, plotted my own course and decided my own fate. I made mistakes. I turned right when I should have turned left. I looked down when I should have looked up instead. No matter how hard I worked or believed that I was doing my best still I wasn't happy with my life or my choices. Since then I still haven't given myself a break yet. I moved from one horrendous situation to another, maybe even worse. Why would anyone torture themselves? Why do I feel like I don't deserve anything but the best? Why do I always catch myself settling for less? What is in this for me? Will I get my happy ending? But right now I don't even know what that looks like or what that is. I am still searching for a way to harness my purpose, I have plenty of time for mine. I know the things I need to do. I am responsible for more than any one person can chew. My main focus is building up to God and I can't bring myself to want to give that up. I've come so far from where I was and loving someone who can't love God is taking 10 steps back. I refuse to do that. I need to know that the person I want is also on their own personal journey towards God. I want a man who understands what love between two human beings truly looks like and truly means. I can't have another impostor wasting another precious year of what little time we all have left. I am so completely over being so completely fake. I can own up and admit when I've made a mistake. I'd rather live with a clear conscience than a muddy slate. Someone once told me to build the foundation of your relationship on solid ground and be careful not to build it in the sand. I used to take that saying so seriously until I realized that absolutely nothing in this life is built on solid ground. There is no such thing. One minute the ground you're walking on can disappear from beneath your feet. Then where will you be? Instead I will construct two pair of everlasting wings that will carry us through any and everything because who wants to be bound to the ground when the real secret to a lasting relationship is to be free. God is the only one who can grant you that one luxury. He can wipe your past away and give you everything. I want a husband who believes the same as me. If I haven't found him yet I know as long as my focus is on the lord God will allow us to cross paths and meet. Until that fateful day comes I will remain true to me and all I believe and all that I will continue to learn about how life should be. I give up chasing my life like a flying kite so instead I'll just hold the string.