Crossed paths - Had to get this off my chest

I can't say I'm surprised by any of this. It was all lies from the jump. I was never meant to be the one. I just wish you had spoken up. It's tough to accept that an entire year has already passed and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. Except embarrassment. What is harder to accept is that you have completely moved forward and don't plan on ever looking back. All that mess about missing me was just pretend, like everything else you ever said or did. You say I should've never left but what good would it have done to stay? Why won't you just admit that you were never happy with me? Not even one moment. Now you have a kid on the way. What a slap in the face. As if the wound wasn't already painful or deep enough, you just had to open it up and drench it with salt huh. Definitely true to who you are and your style. Hurting people just for the phuck of it is a pass time for guys like you. I'm used to it, just another one of your lies to add to the pit. You were never in it as deep as I was. You never truly believed in our love. You never fully opened yourself up. I've had to just accept so many things to move on from all of this but the one thing I wish you could admit was that we were a mistake from the get. I awready know that you never actually loved me, that's not something you ever had to say, it was written in all the things you did and your ways. What is it besides pride that prevents you from being honest with how you truly felt inside? All I want is for you to admit that I was not what you expected and you weren't ever going to be happy with me. Instead of being honest about it, you took it out on me and my kids. We both had our trust issues from the beginning, it was no secret. Oh well, life will go on, just like you said. We will both move on to experience great things. I guess what I am most upset about still is the fact that I will never get credit for how willing I was to please you. I did so much just for you, wasted 5 years of my life. All for nothing. I can't even call you an acquaintance. No one will ever know what we went through. All the stupid shit I did for you. The sacrifice. Rearranging my entire life. Our story goes to the grave with just you and I. It stings but to help ease the pain I do need to get this off my chest. I was always in communication with my baby dad. You should've known that. He's always going to be a part of my life and no one can ever change that. We have kids together and there is no other reason why we speak other than them. You were just too childish to accept it for what it is. So instead you created a bunch of shit in your head and acted on it. You're some piece of work but for that matter I am too. For the record, we never did anything foul while he was in town but he was in the hotel room with us for a while. The one you payed for! Laugh out loud. Oh yea, and my uncle hooked me up with a few hundred bucks while I was still staying with your folks. You never knew about that either. Hmmm, what else, let's see. I never slept with my kids dad though, not even when we went to court together even though you accused me of that too, that's not true. Honestly, none if this even matters but it makes me feel better to have it all out there. I have to move on too and this is just the process I use. I guess I wasn't really serious about you either or else I would've  just stayed and tried to work shit out. Some part of me feels like I was just doing it to get back at what's her face, Bugsy. Yep, I wanted her to know and now she does so I guess that's all it ever was. You used me and I used you. I never really cared that much about you neither. In reality you were just a rebound. I wasn't even over my ex yet when we started to date. I never stopped seeing guys while I was out here by the way, you were just the dumb ass who listened to all my problems and you bought every lie I ever spoke. An admittance from us both that what we shared was fake, none of it was real is what needs to happen here. We used each other to the bitter end. Now I can't even call you a friend but looking back at all you did I can honestly say today that I wouldn't even want to call you that. You deserve what ever you get and so do I. Neither one of is perfect or right, I know I messed up but at least I can admit it. You will never admit to the shit that you did. I just have to live with it. I will continue to pray for you because that's all I can do. As for me, I'm a distant memory, a face you will soon forget, a name you will hate to say or hear and the only girl who can say she was ever brave enough to walk away and leave you hangin. I didn't lose anything by losing you. From now on you will stay hidden in my past. God used you to teach me a valuable lesson and I'm grateful for that. I truly wish you all the best, even though you're a total ass. Life is finally looking good to me again and that my friend is how the cookie crumbled. My jumble once again has been un-jumbled. Take care. God bless. I pray we never cross paths again. 

You only love me when you're drunk!

I received a text about 3 am. It was you again. The text read something like this, "I miss you. I hate you. You suck. I love you." Immediately I knew you were drunk. I only cross your mind when you're holding a cup. You showed up at my house, unannounced. You were ready to pounce. You grabbed me up and pulled me close. I could smell the courage on your clothes. You kissed me hard then we made our way through a maze to my bed where we laid tangled up but then your buzz started to wear off so you took off. Just as quickly as you came, just like that you were gone again. You're always leaving me to go get drunk. When ever I get sad or lonely I like to look at our old pictures, it always cheers me up. When ever you get sad and lonely you like to fill pitchers up. You only love me when you're drunk. I never see you when you're sober. I can never pin you down. You never agree to come over. You're always moving around. You never call or text me anymore. When there is no alcohol involved I feel like you'll be bored. Some days I wish my blood was made of rum. Then maybe my love would fill/warm you up. I wish my lips tasted of cinnamon whiskey, maybe then you'd crave my kisses. I wish my words were vodka scented, maybe then I'd grab your attention. Maybe you'd actually listen. It's too bad you only love me when you're drunk. Hanging out together would be fun. All I've ever wanted is your love. A little bit of your time, some of your attention and a few of your hugs. What you fail to realize is that YOU are my drug. I wish you loved me as much as you love to drink but I guess I have to take what I can get. Maybe someday I'll get my shot. For now, go take a few shots for me and get nice and drunk. Loving me must be tough because you only love me when you're drunk. I still love you punk! 

Dedication: For my Pork Chop aka MAD. I will love you until we are both dead. You will always belong to me and I will always belong to you. Nothing and no one will ever change that truth. Love you. xoxo 

Dead dreams and haunted hopes

Yep. The last time I checked my status is still wrecked. Distractions are still a must. Wake up. Open those perty eyes of yours. Get up. Shake off the dust. He decided to give you another try today. Don't waste anymore time he said. Today will be great. Better than the last. Maybe even the greatest of all. Tomorrow you'll be fine. If you are not ready to give life your all you will never know just how far you can go or how hard you can fall. In this life too many lies are acknowledged as truth. Some turn the other cheek while some step up and speak. Most people speak off of their immediate emotions and before you know it they're changing their notions. What becomes important in the matter of a moment can also become very unimportant in the glimmer of an instant. Life is a never ending mission. What we all know as our conscience constant is actual nonsense. Like gossip. Here one day and gone the next. Nothing is ever of enough importance to stick. The tiniest of things can create a buzz and then just like that it's gone. Your life holds no weight. What did the existence of my life change? Like the way I feel like I never happened. I feel like I didn't exist. The last 6 months of my life were a complete miss, I was completely dissed and dismissed. At first I was just pissed then the shock wore off and reality set in. My anger turned to resentment. The half empty boxes littering the front entrance of this house we don't belong in are the remnants of my life's sad little disaster. I hear my laughter and am disgusted with myself at how fake I sound. I don't care to wear this smile around but what choice do I have. Behind my eyes is pain but we only have one life to live. Nothing to lose and everything to give. Everybody including me keeps telling me to push past it. Even I know I can but I can't pretend I'm good when I'm not. I can't deny that I miss him. Alot. He was my all for so long then it all just stopped. My heart still aches for him. My wounds are still fresh. I can't say that I'm over it yet. I'm not at that place yet and it is driving me mad. I am still so sad and I hate it. There's nothing that's going to change it. I want to hear from him so bad. It's a constant battle not to reach out every single day. Does it make me ridiculous for still caring? What is the time frame for falling out of love? Not hurting so much? Moving on? I suppose it will come. I'm afraid to stay stuck. I wish I was like him. I wish I didn't give a phuck. I wish I could stop thinking about him. Deleting the pictures didn't do much except for maybe make me miss him more. Breaking up really brings out the pathetic in people for sure. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me but I wish there were someone else out there who understood. I'm having feelings that I don't want but I can't control what is driving them or where they keep coming from. I just want to be ok again. I pray daily for God to make the sadness and pain wash away with each passing day. Make my life make sense again. But just in case you were wondering, yes I'm still very much in pain. It hurts everyday I just have my ways of hiding my wounds. I miss you. I pray you're doing great. I still have high hopes in someday. I hope we cross paths again if not on this side then on the other side. It's all documented on the cloud now, our intimate conversations broadcast for the entire world to hear. Time standing still. Our story on pause. I apologize I didn't give life my all when I was with you. You took too much of me and I couldn't balance anything. I fell apart and now it's apparent that leaving was smart. Calling it off was the right thing to do. I'm not happy in my own life yet but I can say I'm happy for you. I still love you, I ain't gonna hate you. I understand. I completely understand. All that sh*t I said was true. Right? Isn't that what you said? I can only wonder if you still feel that way. If you ever really did. Either way, now they're just words once said. Broken promises. Pieces of my broken heart floating around in the pool of my tears flooding the ground. But tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow will be great. If given another chance I'll try and give life my all this time. I don't want to waste another minute of my time. He's given me a second chance. I can't waste it wondering what happened or why. All I have now is today. And today will be great. Better than the last. Maybe even the greatest of all. Tomorrow I'll be fine.

Snake Eyes

Woke up in tears this morning. 
I couldn't even get out of bed. 
The dreams are horrific.
I just laid there and wept.
I swear every day is different.
I promise myself I'm ok.
I'm moving forward.
Then the next thing you know thoughts are creeping in. 
I can't get you out of my head or from under my skin?
You're there when I wake and when I go to bed.
You're in the songs I can't get out of my head.
I can't go one day yet.
Without thinking about it. 
I feel so pathetic for feeling this way.
I just keep going over things.
I catch myself wondering what you're doing?
Having time to reflect is crippling my movement.
Tears well when I picture your face.
I think about all kinds of things.
From the ramp up to those last few days.
Things I might have done different.
Words I could've said in another way. 
Now it's dead air what we share.
After everything and I'm just here. 
I can't make up my mind.
Whether or not I was right. 
I'm so sick. I'm crushed. I'm stunned.
You did everything to me you sought to do.
I hope you're proud of yourself for going through with what you did.
I hope it makes you feel like a better person for hurting me.
You hurt me worse than anyone I've ever known.
I keep thinking about all I put up with for you.
Everything you put me through.
How I went through hell for you.
I didn't even get any quality time.
It was never just you and I.
I just keep telling myself it's alright. 
Better luck next time.
The question now is how do I get you out of my head?
How do I get a good night's sleep?
Put it all to rest?
What is the trick to wake up not wanting to hear from you? 
Do I pretend that you're not important?
How did you just turn it off? 
Some days I think you were pretending the whole time. 
I was never important to you. Was I?
I was never anyone in your life.
You rolled my life like a pair of dice. 
Snake eyes.

December

He knew something was up. The phone was turned off, he couldn't make his call. I'll never forget how he glared at me. He fixed his things getting ready to leave for work that morning. December 23rd we stood there in the doorway. I looked up into his brown eyes for the last time. In my mind I was saying my goodbyes but I couldn't leave on bad terms. I kissed his soft lips, kissed them again then let go of his hand and said, "see you later". He got in the truck. I watched as he pulled out of the driveway, felt the first tear drop fall away. It all came flooding to the surface. All the reasons why I was leaving. The cheating. The deceiving. The total betrayal. You didn't hit my jaw, you hit my heart and I knew it was time to go. I wish those last two weeks were how things would've been from the beginning. A ring. It confused me how amazing he was treating me after everything. How could things go from good to bad so quick? How could they end like this? I could feel his eyes trace my face. His big strong hands wrapped completely around my waist. I remember the smell of his kiss on my small lips. The sound of his voice beneath my face as I lay on his naked chest. It's the little noises and his way of speaking. Watching his face wake up from his dreaming. His warm embrace in the cold air of the mornings. Listening to him singing. Friday nights. His real smile. Watching him shave. His name. Him. Never saw him again. He moved on to bigger and better things. No one ever heard from her again.