A love like Ours

I told you I'd never quit this but it got too real for a few of you. It's ok because it was never meant for you to view. All I see is what is in my view. My future and what I left in the rearview. I haven't had much to say until now. I guess you could say it was building up and now I'm ready to blow. It's coming to the surface and has nowhere to go but here. Internal bleeding. They can't find where it's coming from, it's only a matter of time now before I bleed out. I'll die before I ever quit this I thought I told y'all, probably did but nobody ever listens to me. I have a few things I need to get off my chest now. You ready? I could care less if you are or not because I'm going to go on anyway. Have I ever cared about you being ready before? C'mon you're well aware of the answer now. It just gushes out of me I can't stop the flow. When it's time it's time I don't question it I just let it come. Now seems like the perfect time. And what a beautiful season to repent. God so loved the World type business. Yea I said it and what? If you're ashamed of your faith in Christ I can't help you with that. I'm not. I know and stand firm by what I believe in. I have a tough time following him and maintaining my focus but I'm aware enough to know it. I don't act like I'm perfect. No one is. I'll never try to portray a position of righteousness because I am a sinner. I sin every day and repent. I struggle everyday but I won't quit. Like this, I just can't put it down. I could never leave it alone. I'll write til I can't write anymore. I'll never put it down until I have nothing left in me. And trust me I've had moments recently when I've felt like I was at that point but some way and some how I always come back to this. My first true love. My therapy. My drug. Mine. They've tried to take it from me before but it's always here waiting for me with open arms. This pen and pad, this screen and keyboard. Countless ideas and endless dreams. Infinite words that burn my soul begging to come to the forefront to make me whole. I am nothing without God first and foremost. But I am nothing still without the words that fill the craters and crevices of my mind. Time. Call it what you will it's just me and my head only we'll call it My Jumble instead. And just like that all the blood rushed from my body and I was pronounced dead.


To the love of my life: Writing. I will never leave you. You are my life, my soul, my spirit. Everything that makes me whole. The only constant I have ever known. I love you. XOXO.


I can only hope for the rest of you that you can find a love as true as ours. May God bless you.

Got to give it up

Ok, I've decided to go with my gut and give it up. Nothing good can come from a forced love. If he wanted me in the same ways I wanted him it would be. Naturally. I accept that he doesn't need me. The pain will eventually subside. I'm hoping the feelings will eventually die. This late in life I no longer believe in the concept of "the one" but I still have hope that I will someday be loved. They say when you stop searching for something you've lost it just pops up so I'm going to put my faith in finding love by giving it up. I'm going to stop trying so hard to fall and instead stand straight up, tall. I'm going to keep my eyes focused on God. I know that I'm not completely alone, God is by my side. I have to do a better job to stay away from trouble and not cause as much. I need to believe that I am enough. I must start telling myself that I am worthy of someone's love. I have to be more willing and open to trust. A life without love is dull, yes but a life forcing it is far worse. Love should be fluid like a flood going where it pleases without any barricades or boundaries holding it up. You can't trap feelings. Love cannot be suppressed or stopped. Yes being alone sucks but supposedly good things come to those who wait. Unfortunately for me I am so impatient that I have never tested that fate. I'm so aggressive and stubborn. I've always treacherously gotten everything I've gone after. Perhaps that's why nothing has ever lasted and I'm still alone. I've suffered so much loss in my life that I'm traumatized by the idea of love as a whole. I need patience. I need guidance. I need discipline. I realize I need to make changes within. I don't know how to say no to the things I want most. It's my biggest problem. I have to stop putting up such a hard fight for figments of my imagination that will never come to life. I keep retreating to the dark when I get too close to the light. I'm so terrified of being burned that I prefer to stay far from the fire. I am harboring so much hurt. I have been stripped to my bare bones. I'm tired of nursing old wounds and reopening scars. It feels like there is nothing left. I have to let it all go. I can't keep holding on to something I never had. I have got to give it up at last.  

Listen to Reason

The pain is ever prevalent. In all honesty I wish I had never met him. Missing him is profusely worse than not knowing him at all. I'm sick of being so unhappy with myself. Walking around like life is always trying me, testing my patience. Feeling like I've been put out like I'm the odd man out. Trying not to let this shit bother me. Pretending like I'm fine. Flaunting a fake smile like it's a new fad. Who am I kidding? I'm sick about everything. What's worse is I have no control over any of it. I have to sit back and just watch the credits roll past? It's over? Just like that? So why am I finding it so difficult to move on and start over? If you were given something you weren't supposed to have. Something you felt undeserving of. Something you felt you were absolutely unworthy of. Would you keep it or give it back? I have a moral dilemma I'm presently struggling with. It's a spiritual warfare and my heart is under attack. On the one hand he's everything I could ask for in a man. On the other he's not even mine. I keep trying to convince myself it was all a huge mistake and I'm fine. But that's a blatant lie. In this life we don't get many opportunities to make decisions that will impact the rest of our lives. I feel like this is one of those choices. I have to make a decision but I have to act fast. The question remains, should I do the right thing or do what I want? If I had no doubts the truth would be out and there would be no question of what I am going to do or how I should proceed. But my moral integrity is at stake. Satan is standing in my way. He continues to offer me the pleasures and treasures and sweet sultry temptations of the World. In one word; dirt. I know what I'm doing. I knew it all along but I only went with it because the pull was so damn strong. Like nothing I've ever felt before. This man fell from cloud 9 and fell in my path. How the phuck am I supposed to just ignore that and leave him behind? Why does this feel like a major exam that I am about to fail? Why do I allow these things to happen to me? Why can't I just live a normal life? Why can't I come across a free agent? I've met my match and he's attached, tethered to his past. I want so desperately to toss him a life raft but he doesn't seem to see he's drowning and he doesn't want my help. He keeps thinking he can fix the problems, patch the holes and keep his ship afloat. I can't be the person who convinces him that he's going down with the ship. But a noble Captain he is and refuses to jump ship, he's just going to let it happen in front of his face. I'd like to think that I'll be there waiting for him when he finally makes it back to shore but that he'll even survive I'm unsure. Time unfortunately is the fortune teller of all truths but in this case I wish I could pay for a preview to be sure I'm making the right move. That bitch life, all of my basic instincts, my morality and integrity are all screaming at me the same thing, "Move on and leave him alone!!" but I refuse to take part in singing one more sad song. When do I finally get what I want?

Utterly Numb

She's so accustomed to the disappointment and the pain. I was shocked that she was so hurt by it. What was it about him that made her break? Now she's saying she wants to change? Everything she's ever done has never worked. She always ends up worse and worse. She always gets the short end of the stick. She gets hit, spit on, knocked down and kicked. Why does she even get back up? Where does she muster up the strength? Why is she so apt to pain? Why is she so fucking stupid and insane? Why does she keep going back to the same asshole again and again? What does she see in him? All he ever does is kill her spirit. She loves that shit. She must want to be left lonely again and again. She loves to see him happy. It's just never with her. She's always the past never his future. She's the reason they learn from their mistakes. She makes them better for the next. She has been worn so thin. There is hardly anything left for who ever comes next. She'll break at the sight of him. She's like a dam full of cracks. Too far damaged to ever be repaired. She's the fuckin relationship whisperer. Having marital troubles? Fuck her and all your problems will disappear. She has the magic touch. Having trouble finding the right one? Fuck her and the love of your life will come right along. Why did she ever allow this for herself? Why does she always settle for hell? She doesn't even fight back the tears anymore. They've become an integral part of who she is. The sadness is ingrained in her DNA. She doesn't seem to know any other way. Self-pity. Self-loathing. She'll convince herself she's fine. She's past 9 lives. She must be a vampire because no one can sustain internal injuries of that magnitude and survive, time after time. Or she's the walking dead, no brain but functioning dead alive instead. She has completely given up. On love. Relationships. Marriage. Happiness. Her faith has waned. She's so fucking plain. Plateaued. Flat lined. Dead on arrival. No pulse. Lost all hope. No revival. No concern for her own survival. No resuscitation. She's lost all imagination. No morphine drip. Utterly numb to the pain. She finally called it quits. Down to every last nerve and vain.    

Happy Endings

You were never supposed to have been a conquest. I hope you know that. This is not the impression I ever would've wanted to leave on you. I fear you see me as a mistake and that is the most painful part. I can live without you just as you can live without me but knowing that you regret me is unbearable. None of it was real for you. Was it? They were just lyrics in a song. I knew you'd go back. It was just a matter of time. Didn't take very long at all. Love conquers all. Except now I have to live in this deliberate nightmare without you. It feels like I was the conquest. You conquered and I lost. I told you I would lose you before you would lose me. Those very words have a particular sting. I am the only one to blame. I could never hate you, I only hate me. I'm a disgusting excuse for a human being. Tragic really. I knew I was entering treacherous territory. I was forewarned but I proceeded anyway. I knew the stakes but I dug in deep my fangs. Perhaps too deep because now I am sinking. Thinking that you played me. Thinking all kinds of terrible things. Feeling like you needed a reason to make things better. Now you've made vows not to do it again. I'm glad I could be the reason you realized it. I was not built with brakes. I couldn't just say no. I let it go. I let you in. I was happier admiring you from afar because now I have to live with knowing how amazing you are. The truth is it went too far the 1st night. You and I both know that. My biggest fear realized. I knew where your loyalty would lay. I believe I said it to you a couple of times. Don't feel bad for me. I don't want your pity. This isn't the 1st time I've been used and wrung out like a wet cloth. Put on a line to dry, blown away with the wind. Inevitably forgotten. Faded to black. Jaded until I decide to come back again. To be hurt all over again. Seems like all I seek these days is pain. I guess I'll never know what it feels like to be on the other side of the fence. Was I supposed to put up a fight? Weren't you? It was so easy for you to come clean and piss on the fire til it was out. Now you're just another ghost that will haunt me in the night. Another needle full of pain. She's the plug and I was just the drain. Honestly I'm glad the truth wins. It's one of the qualities I favor of yours. So open and honest, even in your errors. So I won't even go on to pretend to want to make this change. Wishing we would've done things different. Stayed neutral. Friends. Now you're gone. Except you're not. You're still there. You always will be. I'm the one with no name, no face, no place in your heart, your mind, your life. All I have left are the songs, the smiles, dried up petals in a file. I guess I never learn from my mistakes. You're no different from the rest. You just fucked me, fucked up my head and left me for dead. I'm a tarnished little top. Only good for one thing. I told you I was broken but you took me for a spin anyway. I hope you two will be happy in the end. Enjoy your time trying to make it right while I put the pieces of my solitude back together, again. Knowing me, it won't be the last time. I always get what I want no matter how long it lasts. And they lived happily ever after, after her.