A year ago today, Make it go away

Her heart is still under the weather. Her mind is still lost in the clouds. She has to find a way to get her life back together somehow. She called their love a china doll. She knew it was a delicate flower. She knew that in a matter of seconds, their precious love could be shattered. The love she developed for him took years to flourish and grow. It began with a winking kitty, looking through fish tanks and Love by Keyshia Cole. She was just a kid playing with fire not anticipating she would be so badly burned. It would take 3 years for her to find him and four and a half more to make him hers. That girl gave up everything for him just to show him her love was for real. He thought about her often until one day she reappeared. He received a letter signed Angel Wings and from then on he knew it had to be her. At first it was just a friendship but they both knew where they were going. For her he was an outlet and for him she was a breath of fresh air. They both needed one another at that time and their relationship was pure. Perhaps she made a fatal mistake for taking it one step too far. Her feelings for him grew into a kind of love she never ever knew and slowly he was overtaking her vulnerable heart. His feelings for grew as well but there were differences between the two. She thought it was fate that brought them back to one another while he was just grateful for the consistent phone calls and mail. No one was there for him the way she tried to be and no one gave her the kind of confidence and support that he did. It was always genuine for her but he was always only one foot in. Their relationship formed out of thin air similar to a dream. For years she waited for her turn to eliminate the distance between them. In the sweet summer of 2015 her dream became their reality. There in her hands she took the china doll from the safety of it's case. The fear of breaking it was ever so present staring her with those glossy porcelain eyes directly in her face. What was that poor girl thinking? Why did she buy his dream? Why does love make the most logical of people do the most insane and craziest of things? She can't blame him for her actions and he can't blame her for living her life. She was prepared to leave everything behind just to become his wife. He wanted to be with someone but it didn't matter if was going to be her. He just knew that after being in a lonely cell for so long, he wasn't going to settle for being alone. She believed in a fairy tale and he thought she was his fantasy. They both had their expectations set so high that they faded like the horizon into the sea. Her hopes for what he would be and his hopes for what she would be were fallacies. The trust was built on a faulty foundation and they were both too selfish to surrender to their wants or needs. She thought she needed him and what he had to offer. He thought she was what he wanted until he got her. Their whirlwind romance was short lived but for some reason she can't get him out of her head. One year ago today she was laying in his arms, looking into his droopy brown eyes, kissing his big fat lips. He was finally hers and she was finally his. After everything they had been through they were both content. One night they got into an ugly argument, a pattern they started early on. He would say the meanest things to her and she would cry into his chest. Things fell apart for them way too fast. That china doll was nothing more than shattered glass, a million and one broken pieces scattered on the floor of the very relationship they both worked so hard and waited so long for. They would always find a way to patch up the holes but things began to spiral out of control. There is one thing that always sticks out to her in her mind. He once told her after one of their fights while he held her in his arms as she sat on his lap in the truck that night that no matter what not to leave his side. He looked into her teary eyes and out of his luscious lips he said, "Linds, no matter what I ever do or say, please talk to me first about it ok?" He knew his trust wasn't 100% and he never tried to hide the fact. She knew she didn't know what she had signed up for but her pride was too strong to turn back. This wasn't a normal relationship from out the gate and of this they were both aware. They knew they'd have obstacles to face but supposed the love they shared would be enough to make a way. Their love was undeniable, this part still holds true. It is still a truth she holds onto. She feels as though it stunts her growth because once all was said and done, he moved right along to the next one while she was just stuck. A year ago today they slept in the same bed. They woke at 4:30 am every day, they had their morning routine. He loved her hard at the very end, he stayed when he could've left. He knew that things were broken beyond repair but he was willing to make one last attempt. She knew in her heart things would never be the same. She felt like everything she had done was all for nothing. The love just wasn't enough anymore to sustain her through the pain. She knew what she had to do but she never spoke to him about it first because she knew in her heart he would convince her to stay. December 23rd, they woke up to each other's face, she made him his coffee, kissed him good bye for the very last time and watched through her teary eyes as he drove away. She packed up her house and left him that day. The pain they both experienced can not be put into words. She hurt him bad but he hurt her worse. She tells herself she should've talked to him first and if she had she would've stayed but then she reminds herself that he's happy now and those thoughts just fade away. She will never know his thoughts or if he misses what they shared. She will never know if the damage they caused could've ever been repaired. She will never know if she made the right choice in not talking to him first. All she will ever know is the pain that she still feels. The dreams that she still has and how they are so real. How long does it take for a broken heart to heal? How long will she have to wait before she will be able to move on? Her heart is still under the weather. Her mind is still lost in the clouds. She endures the pain of missing his face every single day. She is so tired of living this way. It's already been almost an entire year. Is she crazy to still have so much love for this man who played on all of her fear? She can't go on living like this. She feels hopelessness for her future some days. It was so easy for him to move on. She needs a resolution to go on. No more sad songs. Her pain and her love are still as real as they were back then. A year ago today, make it go away.                

Icebox

My heart is on lock, frozen solid like a block. Ice cold is my soul, my life is on hold. When they hit pause I lost control. Time slipped right off track and I can't get it back. I have no voice, this was not my choice. I turned left and he went right. Half of me might as well have died that night. He took the breath right out my life. Didn't blink an eye, never thought twice about the pain he was about to inflict. I believe if he could pull the trigger, he'd aim for right between my eyes. I've been stabbed before, this is nothing new. I've walked around with my heart bleeding on my sleeve for all to see. I've been broken beyond repair for many years now. No matter how hard I've fallen or how far, I've always managed to pick myself up. This time is different, this time is tough. I don't want to give up but I'm too weak to get up. They say there is strength in numbers. My warriors are prisoners of this war. I am fighting this battle on my own. Aside from God himself I stand alone. I have no one to turn to, I have no back up plan. I should have never trusted him with my kids, not then, not now and never again. I will get them back, it's just a matter of time. Time slipped my mind but God scooped it up like sand. He poured it into an hourglass and set it in my hands. He told me all I need is faith in him. He told me I could trust again. He told me to follow his lead because he has a plan. I know that this is the toughest trial of all my life. Being away from my bones is unlike any pain I've ever known. I've been stabbed, shot, run over, lied to, cheated on and even punched in the face but I've never been through anything more excruciating than this. This is what happens when you take your focus off of God and take matters into your own hands. I have vowed time and time again to be his. So how did I end up like this? Why did I put my trust in man? Why did I ever trust him? After years of the same thing over and over again you think it'd be clear. He thinks he has power here. He thinks he will have the last say. He has never been so wrong about anything. God knows his heart and the things he did. I will prevail in the end. I know how to play by the rules and live by the truth. As hurtful as this all is I know my babies love me. I know what is in their hearts and where they want to be. I will fight until I make things right again. Until then, one half of my heart is with them. The other half is wrapped in foil, frozen, in the icebox where I left it. I can't wait to take it out and thaw it out and put it back together again.    

One of them days

If only this life wasn't so damn lonely.
If only.
If only this sadness wasn't so prevalent.
If only.
If only this heart of mine was a loaner, not my all the time ride.
If only.
If only this depression wasn't so familiar to me.
If only.
If only he hadn't been such a liar.
If only.
If only I could be given a do over.
If only.
If only at least one of them ever loved me.
If only.
If only I were still his, maybe we wouldn't have to feel like this.
If only.
If only this World weren't so full of hate.
If only.
If only this page could make a difference.
If only.
If only this song playin' wasn't so damn reminiscent.
If only.
If only this nightmare would end.
If only.
If only time were on my side.
If only.
If only money wasn't so damn hard to come by.
If only.
If only my tears counted for something.
If only.
If only I had the power to free all my homies.
If only.
If only this life wasn't so damn lonely maybe I wouldn't feel the need to write poems like these. 

Update 2016

Ok. I tried to wait. I really did but this can't wait even one more minute. 2016 has been a total wreck and it hasn't even ended. As if I wasn't awready still broken from 2015's atom bomb of an ending. I'm still picking up pieces from that radioactive blast. Some are still missing. But that's neither here nor there. What we will focus on here is the now. I'm trapped in this new existence that I didn't single handedly create for myself but somehow it's become my reality. So. I have embraced it emphatically. I'm currently unemployed. Big news, dont worry, a better job is coming soon. My cubs are out exploring and I've been forced to leave them behind for food. They're safe is what I keep telling myself. Not by the hand that is currently feeding them. Jesus is the one I trust. He will do his best to keep them safe for me. I have been called into active duty. No I've not joined the military, if only my life were that easy. I am however at war. Though I've lost the last few battles, I now have a better tactic. A better job is on my agenda, that's number one. A place of my own is number two. Nothing is standing in between me and my goals. Time is on my side. I have my sights set pretty high. God in the meantime is witness to this all. He is watching every shortcoming and cushioning every one of my falls. My book is lucky number 3. Do I sound as though I've got my Jumble in order? I feel relieved. Stress free. Time is of the essence for me. God is continually blessing me. I'm making my way back to happy. A new friend is number 4. Kids are five. That's no surprise. Story of my life. Mark my words, and you all have before, I always get my way and I always get what I want. It's been 5 years since I started this blog. You all should know me by now. I've come very far. I've been through a whole lot. I'm still the same ol me the only difference now is I know I'm a queen of God. He has great plans for me. It's all in the works. Even if I find myself sitting back in the dirt. Flowers don't sprout up from nothing. A beautiful yellow rose is what I'll be. Watch me. I'm always chasing dreams. I conquer my fears. I achieve my goals. I never back down. I'll never surrender my crown or leave my throne. I'll never give in. Y'all should know by now. I always win. Everything is as it should be in the end and I don't need anyone's approval to make it happen. Life is what we make of it. God listens. I've not been defeated. Maybe temporarily beaten. But just like the toughest of warriors does, I've gotten back up. Time and time again I've proven my strength. I couldn't tell any of you why you'd think this time would be any different. Now that I have your attention. I'll disappear back into the thicket. I am after all on my greatest of missions. The countdown is just beginning. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Trust me, you won't want to miss this. America, we're back in business!! Xoxo from the one and only Lindsey. Aka Ms. TxMolasses your Txpiece of pecan pie made with dark brown sugar so you'd better get you a slice before it's all finished. White flags off in the distance. Surrender.

Smile into my kiss

Fairy tale, movie endings. Love that has no limits. Believing without convincing. Loving without conditions. Does any of it really exist? Trust. Love. Enduring all. I want to find that in somebody. I want to sense your happiness, read it in the expressions on your face and see it in the intent of your eyes. I want to feel your smile meet my lips just before we kiss to signify your true bliss. I want to live in a trusting space. No lies. No deceit. Zero defeat. I want to win with you and I want you to win with me. Is fidelity too much to ask for these days? Why doesn't monogamy last? Did everyone forget that commitment and relationships go hand in hand? I don't ever want us to feel like we're missing anything. I don't want to be in a constant competition. I want you to listen. Learn what makes me tock. I want us both to be comfortable with opening up our coo-coo clocks. I care to always know where we both stand. I need you to hug me and hold me all the time and hold my hand. Kiss me on my cheeks and my forehead. Push my hair back away from my face, lead me in first when we go some place. Have impeccable taste. Do everything you say you'll do. Be everywhere you say you'll be. Be honest to yourself and to me. I want a stand up guy by my side. I want to be with some one who doesn't feel the need to lie. I want a God fearing man in my life who understands my love and commitment to Jesus Christ. A man who can throw insecurities aside. A man whose morals and values are high. You have your confident side. I want you to be mine. Prioritize me in your life. Be content in your life. I want us to be able to talk the tough situations out. To laugh and to cry out loud. Not scream or shout. Hold us down. Consult God first if you're beginning to doubt things. I want us to pray together, protect one another and respect each others' time and wishes. Support each others' dreams and help the other to acquire our most intimate desires. I want you to be willing to catch me if I should ever fall. I want to be the reason you stand so tall. I want us both to feel as though we have it all standing on top of the world, living fruitful atop of a cloud. Your kisses raining down on me day in and day out. The sound of your voice serenading me when I wake and as I drift in and out. The feeling is mutual. You could live without me. I could live without you. I'd prefer to live in our kiss where my smile meets your lips just before we kiss to signify my true bliss. Electricity flows from beneath our fingertips. Amazing gazing sends us on rocket ship trips. We live in our own universe. There is no such thing as a lost thought when it's just you and I; us. Love is definitely worth fighting for but love is not war. Always keep an open heart for more.